the ranter
11 Mar 2004, 15:34
Malthouse under investigation
By Grog Debenham
March 11, 2004
THE AFL has begun an investigation into the conduct of Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse at half-time in Friday night's practice match against Port Adelaide in Alice Springs.
The league probe into Malthouse approaching field umpires with two headless chooks being clutched in each of his hands, smeared in blood and looking unearthly at the long break resulted in a report was lodged by four umpires.
Malthouse is believed to have approached field umpires chanting wildly and calling upon unseen deities to strike down all those who display disrespect towards all that is Collingwood.
Upon investigating the matter the AFL discovered that the Mighty mick after discovering that in Egypt a papyri had been found that revealed AFL to be an ancient sport that had disappeared into the mists of obscurity for millennia till it re-emerged in Australia in the mid 1800's – he decided to research how positional decisions were made by the 'ancient' coaches.
Coach Malthouse indicated that decisions were based on signs (auguries) revealed by the fingering of the entrails of a freshly killed chook.
He said " well the club is not happy to leave any potentially flag winning method untried". He went on to say that he was happy to follow on the path of the ancients but "we just had a bit of trouble with the 50 to 70 chooks in the coaches box. I was a tad flustered when I came out to address the players".
The AFL is now investigating the legality of senior coaches delving into the black arts in order to secure an advantage over an opponent.
"Carlton did it for years", claimed the Football manager for Collingwood.
"Not only the the bloody lot of them sell their souls to win premierships, didn't you notice how some of 'em never aged. Bloody spooky if you ask me".
A report on the use of unorthodox coaching practices will be published by the chief mage of the AFL commission in the near future.
By Grog Debenham
March 11, 2004
THE AFL has begun an investigation into the conduct of Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse at half-time in Friday night's practice match against Port Adelaide in Alice Springs.
The league probe into Malthouse approaching field umpires with two headless chooks being clutched in each of his hands, smeared in blood and looking unearthly at the long break resulted in a report was lodged by four umpires.
Malthouse is believed to have approached field umpires chanting wildly and calling upon unseen deities to strike down all those who display disrespect towards all that is Collingwood.
Upon investigating the matter the AFL discovered that the Mighty mick after discovering that in Egypt a papyri had been found that revealed AFL to be an ancient sport that had disappeared into the mists of obscurity for millennia till it re-emerged in Australia in the mid 1800's – he decided to research how positional decisions were made by the 'ancient' coaches.
Coach Malthouse indicated that decisions were based on signs (auguries) revealed by the fingering of the entrails of a freshly killed chook.
He said " well the club is not happy to leave any potentially flag winning method untried". He went on to say that he was happy to follow on the path of the ancients but "we just had a bit of trouble with the 50 to 70 chooks in the coaches box. I was a tad flustered when I came out to address the players".
The AFL is now investigating the legality of senior coaches delving into the black arts in order to secure an advantage over an opponent.
"Carlton did it for years", claimed the Football manager for Collingwood.
"Not only the the bloody lot of them sell their souls to win premierships, didn't you notice how some of 'em never aged. Bloody spooky if you ask me".
A report on the use of unorthodox coaching practices will be published by the chief mage of the AFL commission in the near future.