NICK THE PIE MAN
26 Nov 2005, 10:46
This was posted by Vinnie_Vegas69 on a Collingwood forum for a Collingwood supporter audience, but I thought it was so hilarious that is deserves a wider audience and it's something I think we all can relate to....
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A Pessimist’s Guide to the 2005 NAB AFL Draft
I am starting to feel that there are going to be people who hate our selections on the day no matter what they are, yet some of them will probably be completely unreasonable about it, and will not know nearly enough about the players to make proper criticisms.
So, I’ve decided to give the dissidents a reason to complain about the Top 30 players from Matt Burgan’s AFL Phantom Draft (I had to pick a list, and seeing as Burgan’s is the flavour of right now…) to counteract the love fests that people have going on with many of the potential draftees.
This way, anyone wishing to rant uncontrollably about the poor performance of our football department will have just the thing to say, and all of us who don't want to hear it can prepare ourselves not to be blindsided by negativity.
ENJOY!
1 - Marc Murphy
(Oakleigh Chargers), 19 July 1987, 179.1cm, 74.7kg
Murphy? Why did Carlton pass him up after all that talk? Is there something wrong with him? He’s probably just another vanilla midget to add to the Collingwood stable.
2 - Xavier Ellis
(Gippsland Power), 28 February 1988, 186.3cm, 71.7kg
Skinny? Check. Not playing next near? Check. Drawn comparisons to Aaron Fiora? Check. Not hard enough at the ball? Check. Sounds like the perfect Collingwood draft pick
3 - Josh Kennedy
(East Fremantle), 25 August 1987, 195.1cm, 92.3kg
Great, we pick up the kid with the shoulder reconstruction and the lack of pace on the lead – He can’t take contested or uncontested marks now!
4 - Patrick Ryder
(East Fremantle), 14 March 1988, 195.7cm, 85.6kg
He’s too short to ruck and not agile enough for true key position – He’d be the World’s Tallest Half-Forward Flanker if Josh wasn’t 6cms taller!
5 - Dale Thomas
(Gippsland Power), 21 June 1987, 182.8cm, 75.2kg
A player with flair and game turning ability - How long until Malthouse turns him into a back pocket and snuffs out the fire he has?
6 - Shaun Higgins
(Geelong Falcons), 4 March 1988, 183.5cm, 78.8kg
A slow, inside midfielder with decent but not great skills – Thank heavens we’ve got someone to replace Shane O’Bree when he’s gone.
7 - Mitchell Clark
(East Fremantle), 19 October 1987, 198.1cm, 91.3kg
An in between size, his reputation comes largely from Under 16’s footy, and he used to play a completely different sport – Sounds like we managed to roll Bo Nixon, Billy Morrison and David Fanning all into one!
8 - Beau Dowler
(Oakleigh Chargers), 16 December 1987, 194.6cm, 84kg
Of course! Because the one thing we’re lacking is key forwards. Our midfield is super-strong and young too, and our backline is just coming into it’s own. Thank heavens someone had the foresight to add to our forward line which is looking thin with only Buckley, Rocca, Tarrant, Fraser, Caracella, Rusling, Didak, Egan, Leon and two out of the three Cloke brothers.
9 - Grant Birchall
(Devonport), 28 January 1988, 191.9cm, 84.4kg
He’s Tasmanian. He’s skinny. He’s a midfielder despite his height. Add a serious hip injury, and we’ve got the next Danny Roach.
10 - Marcus Drum
(Murray Bushrangers), 1 May 1987, 189.7cm, 79.7kg
Too slow for small forwards, and too short for tall forwards. Rejoice!
11 - Courtney Dempsey
(Morningside), 28 August 1987, 184.3cm, 68kg
Another wingman! Thank god, I was hoping that we wouldn’t pick up a true midfielder – now we can run our 9 man flanks to perfection.
12 - Nathan Jones
(Dandenong Stingrays), 20 January 1988, 178.7cm, 84.5kg
Slow and fat-arsed? Luke Shackleton the Second! Noel Dudkins strikes again!
13 - Scott Pendlebury
(Gippsland Power), 7 January 1988, 189.8cm, 81.4kg
Is one ex-basketball player not enough? Who needs footballers when you can have athletes?
14 - Beau Muston
(Murray Bushrangers), 1 March 1987, 189cm, 78.8kg
We were wary after his knee reconstruction, but once we’ve heard that his graft wasn’t taking, we couldn’t stay away! If we can just now figure out how knee injuries can translate into Premierships, with Muston, Davidson, Licuria, Lockyer, Shaw, Tarrant, Didak, Fraser, Fanning and Morrison, we’ll be in good stead.
15 - Daniel Stanley
(Geelong Falcons), 18 February 1988, 186.2cm, 89.5kg
He is described as a mid-sized defender/flanker with poor skills and an injury history. How could anyone else pick him up?
16 - Shannon Hurn
(Central District), 4 September 1987, 188cm, 92kg
As if being a slow, fat-arsed receiver wasn’t bad enough, his best position might be silly mid-off!
17 - Darren Pfeiffer
(Norwood), 28 September 1987, 182.7cm, 78.9kg
He’s completely vanilla in every sense, and as a bonus, he often kicks the ball without settling… Oh well, at least he can jump high…
18 - Luke McEntee
(North Adelaide), 2 May 1987, 197.4cm, 88.7kg
I just don’t think we have enough basketballers-turned-ruckman. At least with he and Fanning, we’ll have an NBL quality frontcourt.
19 - Jarred Oakley-Nicholls
(East Perth), 9 February 1988, 188.1cm, 75.2kg
An exact clone of Chris Egan, with the added bonus of having poorly performed on a big stage sounds like just what we need, especially when you add in the fact that he’ll probably want to go home to WA.
20 - Cleve Hughes
(Norwood), 15 January 1987, 191.9cm, 84.4kg
A skinny kid who has been described as playing “scared”, and has his hair all fancy-bleached… Well, hopefully at least the Pink Magpies will be happy with this pretty boy!
21 - Travis Varcoe
(Central District), 10 April 1988, 179.1cm, 70.5kg
Yet another player who “we are delighted to have fall that far”… Give me a break – We picked up another player with a serious injury cloud over his head.
22 - Ben McKinley
(Northern Knights), 4 March 1987, 183.9cm, 81.7kg
If there was one thing we need less than a key forward, it’s a key forward that’s only 184cm tall. He’s almost exclusively a mark and kick player, and at his size, he’ll need a lot of space – where is he going to find that in our forward line?
23 - Sam Gilbert
(Southport), 19 August 1986, 193.7cm, 81.8kg
He’s already 19, and he’s still that skinny?
24 - Richard Douglas
(Calder Cannons), 6 February 1987, 180cm, 68.1kg
A skinny little midget that might top out as a small defender – Forgive my lack of excitement…
25 - Kasey Green
(West Coast), 10 September 1979, 187cm, 87kg
Oh hell no they didn’t! More West Coast trash!!! I’m gonna hurt somebody over this one…
26 - Andrew Swallow
(East Fremantle), 2 June 1987, 183cm, 76.5kg
He can’t kick, he can’t kick, he can’t kick. Clubs all knew he was a dud last year and avoided him; why did we draft him this year?
27 - Alan Toovey
(Claremont), 23 March 1987, 188.6cm, 79.3kg
He’s going to be great, as soon as we build a time machine to play back in the days when he wasn’t 2 inches undersized for key position.
28 - Tim Looby
(Murray Bushrangers), 2 September 1987, 186.7cm, 88.8kg
A good kick and not much else – I’ve always said we need more one trick ponies at Collingwood.
29 - Paul Bower
(Peel Thunder), 9 January 1988, 192.3cm, 87kg
He can’t beat his man, but on the plus side, he is a very tall flanker, ala Josh, which seems to fit well with what we’re going for.
30 - Tom Rischbieth
(Sturt), 12 March 1987, 187.9cm, 80.6kg
Lucky for us he’s a great runner. Of course, Andrew Williams was of a similar size and the best runner at the club too…
NOTE: These are not my opinions. This thread is meant for comedy, and most of these criticisms are massive exaggerations or totally inaccurate. They are not meant to be unfair or mean to the players in any way.
-----------------------------------------------------
A Pessimist’s Guide to the 2005 NAB AFL Draft
I am starting to feel that there are going to be people who hate our selections on the day no matter what they are, yet some of them will probably be completely unreasonable about it, and will not know nearly enough about the players to make proper criticisms.
So, I’ve decided to give the dissidents a reason to complain about the Top 30 players from Matt Burgan’s AFL Phantom Draft (I had to pick a list, and seeing as Burgan’s is the flavour of right now…) to counteract the love fests that people have going on with many of the potential draftees.
This way, anyone wishing to rant uncontrollably about the poor performance of our football department will have just the thing to say, and all of us who don't want to hear it can prepare ourselves not to be blindsided by negativity.
ENJOY!
1 - Marc Murphy
(Oakleigh Chargers), 19 July 1987, 179.1cm, 74.7kg
Murphy? Why did Carlton pass him up after all that talk? Is there something wrong with him? He’s probably just another vanilla midget to add to the Collingwood stable.
2 - Xavier Ellis
(Gippsland Power), 28 February 1988, 186.3cm, 71.7kg
Skinny? Check. Not playing next near? Check. Drawn comparisons to Aaron Fiora? Check. Not hard enough at the ball? Check. Sounds like the perfect Collingwood draft pick
3 - Josh Kennedy
(East Fremantle), 25 August 1987, 195.1cm, 92.3kg
Great, we pick up the kid with the shoulder reconstruction and the lack of pace on the lead – He can’t take contested or uncontested marks now!
4 - Patrick Ryder
(East Fremantle), 14 March 1988, 195.7cm, 85.6kg
He’s too short to ruck and not agile enough for true key position – He’d be the World’s Tallest Half-Forward Flanker if Josh wasn’t 6cms taller!
5 - Dale Thomas
(Gippsland Power), 21 June 1987, 182.8cm, 75.2kg
A player with flair and game turning ability - How long until Malthouse turns him into a back pocket and snuffs out the fire he has?
6 - Shaun Higgins
(Geelong Falcons), 4 March 1988, 183.5cm, 78.8kg
A slow, inside midfielder with decent but not great skills – Thank heavens we’ve got someone to replace Shane O’Bree when he’s gone.
7 - Mitchell Clark
(East Fremantle), 19 October 1987, 198.1cm, 91.3kg
An in between size, his reputation comes largely from Under 16’s footy, and he used to play a completely different sport – Sounds like we managed to roll Bo Nixon, Billy Morrison and David Fanning all into one!
8 - Beau Dowler
(Oakleigh Chargers), 16 December 1987, 194.6cm, 84kg
Of course! Because the one thing we’re lacking is key forwards. Our midfield is super-strong and young too, and our backline is just coming into it’s own. Thank heavens someone had the foresight to add to our forward line which is looking thin with only Buckley, Rocca, Tarrant, Fraser, Caracella, Rusling, Didak, Egan, Leon and two out of the three Cloke brothers.
9 - Grant Birchall
(Devonport), 28 January 1988, 191.9cm, 84.4kg
He’s Tasmanian. He’s skinny. He’s a midfielder despite his height. Add a serious hip injury, and we’ve got the next Danny Roach.
10 - Marcus Drum
(Murray Bushrangers), 1 May 1987, 189.7cm, 79.7kg
Too slow for small forwards, and too short for tall forwards. Rejoice!
11 - Courtney Dempsey
(Morningside), 28 August 1987, 184.3cm, 68kg
Another wingman! Thank god, I was hoping that we wouldn’t pick up a true midfielder – now we can run our 9 man flanks to perfection.
12 - Nathan Jones
(Dandenong Stingrays), 20 January 1988, 178.7cm, 84.5kg
Slow and fat-arsed? Luke Shackleton the Second! Noel Dudkins strikes again!
13 - Scott Pendlebury
(Gippsland Power), 7 January 1988, 189.8cm, 81.4kg
Is one ex-basketball player not enough? Who needs footballers when you can have athletes?
14 - Beau Muston
(Murray Bushrangers), 1 March 1987, 189cm, 78.8kg
We were wary after his knee reconstruction, but once we’ve heard that his graft wasn’t taking, we couldn’t stay away! If we can just now figure out how knee injuries can translate into Premierships, with Muston, Davidson, Licuria, Lockyer, Shaw, Tarrant, Didak, Fraser, Fanning and Morrison, we’ll be in good stead.
15 - Daniel Stanley
(Geelong Falcons), 18 February 1988, 186.2cm, 89.5kg
He is described as a mid-sized defender/flanker with poor skills and an injury history. How could anyone else pick him up?
16 - Shannon Hurn
(Central District), 4 September 1987, 188cm, 92kg
As if being a slow, fat-arsed receiver wasn’t bad enough, his best position might be silly mid-off!
17 - Darren Pfeiffer
(Norwood), 28 September 1987, 182.7cm, 78.9kg
He’s completely vanilla in every sense, and as a bonus, he often kicks the ball without settling… Oh well, at least he can jump high…
18 - Luke McEntee
(North Adelaide), 2 May 1987, 197.4cm, 88.7kg
I just don’t think we have enough basketballers-turned-ruckman. At least with he and Fanning, we’ll have an NBL quality frontcourt.
19 - Jarred Oakley-Nicholls
(East Perth), 9 February 1988, 188.1cm, 75.2kg
An exact clone of Chris Egan, with the added bonus of having poorly performed on a big stage sounds like just what we need, especially when you add in the fact that he’ll probably want to go home to WA.
20 - Cleve Hughes
(Norwood), 15 January 1987, 191.9cm, 84.4kg
A skinny kid who has been described as playing “scared”, and has his hair all fancy-bleached… Well, hopefully at least the Pink Magpies will be happy with this pretty boy!
21 - Travis Varcoe
(Central District), 10 April 1988, 179.1cm, 70.5kg
Yet another player who “we are delighted to have fall that far”… Give me a break – We picked up another player with a serious injury cloud over his head.
22 - Ben McKinley
(Northern Knights), 4 March 1987, 183.9cm, 81.7kg
If there was one thing we need less than a key forward, it’s a key forward that’s only 184cm tall. He’s almost exclusively a mark and kick player, and at his size, he’ll need a lot of space – where is he going to find that in our forward line?
23 - Sam Gilbert
(Southport), 19 August 1986, 193.7cm, 81.8kg
He’s already 19, and he’s still that skinny?
24 - Richard Douglas
(Calder Cannons), 6 February 1987, 180cm, 68.1kg
A skinny little midget that might top out as a small defender – Forgive my lack of excitement…
25 - Kasey Green
(West Coast), 10 September 1979, 187cm, 87kg
Oh hell no they didn’t! More West Coast trash!!! I’m gonna hurt somebody over this one…
26 - Andrew Swallow
(East Fremantle), 2 June 1987, 183cm, 76.5kg
He can’t kick, he can’t kick, he can’t kick. Clubs all knew he was a dud last year and avoided him; why did we draft him this year?
27 - Alan Toovey
(Claremont), 23 March 1987, 188.6cm, 79.3kg
He’s going to be great, as soon as we build a time machine to play back in the days when he wasn’t 2 inches undersized for key position.
28 - Tim Looby
(Murray Bushrangers), 2 September 1987, 186.7cm, 88.8kg
A good kick and not much else – I’ve always said we need more one trick ponies at Collingwood.
29 - Paul Bower
(Peel Thunder), 9 January 1988, 192.3cm, 87kg
He can’t beat his man, but on the plus side, he is a very tall flanker, ala Josh, which seems to fit well with what we’re going for.
30 - Tom Rischbieth
(Sturt), 12 March 1987, 187.9cm, 80.6kg
Lucky for us he’s a great runner. Of course, Andrew Williams was of a similar size and the best runner at the club too…
NOTE: These are not my opinions. This thread is meant for comedy, and most of these criticisms are massive exaggerations or totally inaccurate. They are not meant to be unfair or mean to the players in any way.