Favourite '12th Man' cricket quotes!

[NICK THE PIE MAN]

I have 'The 12th Man' by Billy Birmingham.
It is so incredibly funny.

Here are some of my favourite ones.
Add some of yours!
Enjoy! :D

Richie: "That really was a corkor yorkor. Corkor Yorkor, bit of poetry for you there. Its just some of the bullsh*t that we do go on with in these world series cricket fixtures." :D

Richie: "That sent the Indians to 4-26, which sent the crowd into a frenzy, the place was a real buzz. And we were all barring up in the commentry box i can assure you. And Ian actually shot his load there at one stage, as Australia started to take a firm grip on this game indeed, a firm grip on this game indeed, a firm grip on this game indeed. Ah yes, can someone turn the record over please for f*ck's sake! *Producer*"Its a compact disk you ****er! Tell him to get on with it!"

Richie: "The classic pieces of commentry is another competition. Its just another one of the 50 000 competitions we are running this summer on the Wired World of Sport. The viewers are asked to select their favourite piece of commentry made by the team this summer, and my word, there is some crap in there amongst it!"

Tony Greig: "Thank you Richie, what a magnificant one-day strip has been prepared here today, its a real credit to Dicky Road, Bob's your uncle, and his staff of groundsman! But take along at some of these cracks here, some of these are as big as the f*cken grand canyon, and they could play real damage today with some of the batsmen. Turning now to the Weather wall, you can see that the wind is moving through the north-east at about 15 knots and out of my arse at about 20! All in all, it looks like it will be a pretty good gamer here today. Now its back to Richie in the central missionary postion!
Richie: Oh for f*ck's sake Tony, its the central commentry position you pidgeon toed Pee brain!

LOL classic! :D

[Joe Mama]

Richie Benaud "and Craig McDermott had two balls cut of right on the fence"
Max Walker (after being caught streaking)"Yeah,I know what you mean, Richie, it can be pretty painful"

Tony Grieg (after looking at Big Max when he steaked on the SCG)"Its like a baby's arm holding an apple"

Kenny Sutcliff "No wonder why they call him "Tangles" (Max Walker), I always thought it was because of his feet"

[NICK THE PIE MAN]

Some more:
Richie: Rubbish Binny was left out by the Indian selectors last night, but no-one collected him. And the Indian team manager Madonna Can't Sing, made the announcement that he would in fact play for Mohhamed has a biggen, who apparently has a badly swollen foot, but i saw him in dressing room before, and it didn't look like a foot to me, it looked closer to eight or nine inches."

Richie: He was the next batsmen to come in, unfortuantly, he fell down one of those nasty cracks in the pitch that Tony warned us about before, and he hasn't been heard of since. A real bummer that."

Richie: Sleasy Wine Bars was the next batsmen to be dismissed when he was run out at the strikers end for 12. It was a real mix up between the batsmen. All sorts of confusion out there. Calls of yes, no, yes, no. And finally was run out. And rightly he was pretty pissed off at his batting partner, and proceeded to call him all sorts of names. 'Stupid curry-eating f*ckwit' was one of the comments that we picked up I think. And his batting partner was forced to retire hurt, very very hurt he was by those nasty comments."

[Hoggy]

RICHIE: That's my pen, that's my f***ing fountain pen.

RICHIE: Typical stinking, f***ing hot day here in Bombay.

BILL: That's one of the best caught & bowled's you would ever want to see my friend, Mervyn Hughes the magnificent reflex catch to take on the Melbourne Cricket Ground and the crowd's gone wild, the Australian team's gone wild it's a great day for Australia and it's a great day for Victoria, a great day for the world and it's a great day for the great man Mervyn Hughes, the hero of the MCG I love him I want to boof him. Get him up here.

RICHIE: If Max Walker comes within 10 feet on this f***ing door shoot him.

BILL: Here a bouncer. there a yorker - every ball a real talker - Simon O'Donnell's had a ball - E I E I O.

TONY: The finger's gone up - the umpire's huge a***.

RICHIE: The high 5 is just a piece of Seppo bulls*** the West Indies have introduced.

Can't wait for the new CD to come out.
December 3

[GOALden Hawk]

Originally posted by Hoggy


Can't wait for the new CD to come out.
December 3

I know!! Looking forward to hearing him rip through Tails and Heals!

My favorites:

BL: Canary yellow? that's Australian gold my friend and don't you F**king forget it!

BL: That's F**ked his average Tony!

IC: And it appears Johnny Tapp has exploded out there at Randwick

MG: Yeah....what a shame! Anyhow, stiff sh|t...

Producer of WWOS (As Max is blowing the WWOS theme through his nose): WHAT THE F*CK!

[NICK THE PIE MAN]

Originally posted by Hoggy
Can't wait for the new CD to come out.
December 3

Absolutely!
Billy really is a bloody funny bloke.
As said on his website, he has a degree of piss-taking (with honours)

:D

[Bucks]

BL: Got him YESS!! piss off your out!
BL: Stick that up your ass Tony Greig

[GoEagles]

Richie:
Welcome Back here to the MCG
Or the GABBA, or the WACA
Or the Adelaide Oval or the SCG
It doesn't matter where we are
Down under in Australia this summer
'Cos when it's summer in Australia
If you don't like cricket I can tell you
It's a real bummer that because
cricket is the number 1 game in town

ALL: Yo

Richie: Just ask anyone around...

[brampta]

Originally posted by GoEagles
Richie:
Welcome Back here to the MCG
Or the GABBA, or the WACA
Or the Adelaide Oval or the SCG
It doesn't matter where we are
Down under in Australia this summer
'Cos when it's summer in Australia
If you don't like cricket I can tell you
It's a real bummer that because
cricket is the number 1 game in town

ALL: Yo

Richie: Just ask anyone around...

great minds think alike...I used to have the whole song programmed into my graphics calculator - took me ages.

I also used to have all the CDs but they seem to have disappeared...

[hawkfan5]

I actually like the one at the soccer that they do.....

' ****offyabetch has a shotzkie, goalskie, one-nothing Australia'

' Hecanske, Nohecantske, Wecanallske'

' And here comes the Australian subsitute Smith, I hope I pronounced that correctly'

[The Hitman]

Geoff Boycott to Bill Lawry, and Bill's reply...

"You were a f*cking corpse with pads on, Bill!"

"Aww, I wouldn't say that, that's like the pot calling the kettle black there Geoff..."

Billy is one of the funniest bastards around...

The Hitman

[The Hippie]

Girls going in to game: "Isn't that Richie Benaud? Love you on TV!!"

Richie: "Yeah, ......so do I"

[Blues2001]

Originally posted by hawkfan5
I actually like the one at the soccer that they do.....

' ****offyabetch has a shotzkie, goalskie, one-nothing Australia'

' Hecanske, Nohecantske, Wecanallske'

' And here comes the Australian subsitute Smith, I hope I pronounced that correctly'

I love that bit too.

Two other favourites of mine:


Mrs Benaud: Welcome back to the kitchen love.

Richie: Thanks darl. Marvelous to be joining you in the kitchen, for the first time today.



Bill: (after Bruce Reid has snapped in half and decides to sticky tape himself back together :D) He may be showing a ton of courage Tony but he's showing he's got no fu.cking brains if you ask me. You can't just tape yourself up and expect to keep bowling to the best of your ability.

[The Hippie]

Richie: 'Mohammad Assabiggun was left out of the side for todays game because of a bruised foot. Well, I saw him in the showers before the game and it didn't look like a foot to me, more like 8 or 9 inches'

[Bulldog1954]

Canary yellow
Thats Australian green and gold my friend and dont you ****en forget it
Canary yellow indeed

[Fat Red]

(from memory, sorry for inaccuracy)

I'll be back at the flat later in the evening and I look forward to joining you then.

Richie in the shower: Ya da DAAA, YA da dada, YAAA da da, Ya da da da etc

[joshhem]

absolutely love the ones in his house. Their the most clever i feel, but it's a bit interesting to see that they're the bits that richie dislikes. If someone took that off on me, I would love it. funny funny stuff. I love it when people try to impersonate me :)

[The Hippie]

Maxie Walker: 'And Grahemey Labrouy takes his first wicket'

Bill: 'Grahemey Labrouy? His names Graham, Max.'

Max: 'Well Bill, his teamates have got long and complicated names, seems a pity for this young man to miss out. I reckon I'll just go on calling him Grahemey'

Bill: 'Geez, you're f*cked in the head sometimes, Max'

:D :D

[Westy_Boy]

Got the whole set of the 12th man.... could go on for pages and pages with other quotes, but these are a couple of faves from the Bill Lawry, this is your life CD...


Geoff Boycott (in a heavy English accent): " .... but I think the English Press' main criticism of Bill was that he was the most boring batsman that had ever played .... and I think that was fact!"

Bill Lawry: "Oh I agree .... it was totally f*cked."


The Nawab of Petordi's message to Bill via satellite:

"Hello Big Nose .... your victories over us in Australia, and then again a year later in India, cost me my captaincy, my place in the team, and eventually my dreams, so f*ck you, f*ck your TV show, and I hope you have a shltty night"


As the show's closing....

BL: "Awww ... thanks Matt" (for the 50th time)

Mike Munro: "ha .... it's Mike you f*ckin idiot!"

[TigerTank]

Originally posted by The Hippie
Maxie Walker: 'And Grahemey Labrouy takes his first wicket'

Bill: 'Grahemey Labrouy? His names Graham, Max.'

Max: 'Well Bill, his teamates have got long and complicated names, seems a pity for this young man to miss out. I reckon I'll just go on calling him Grahemey'

Bill: 'Geez, you're f*cked in the head sometimes, Max'



My favourite "exchange" too.

That particular 12th Man release (the Aust v Sri Lanka one) is easily the best in the series to my mind.

[Darky]

Originally posted by TigerTank


My favourite "exchange" too.

That particular 12th Man release (the Aust v Sri Lanka one) is easily the best in the series to my mind.

Same here on both counts.

The other favourite is Max Walker listening to the horse race. Now, whenever I am anywhere where there is a horse race on the TV or radio it only takes seconds to break into voice "Go Silver Sovereign, GOOOOOOO Silver Sovereign". :rolleyes:

[GoEagles]

From Still the 12th Man:

(They are discussing how to handle Max Walker)
Tony: Well for stowters you can have the bowstard borred from this part of the browdcowst area.

Richie: I'm sorry, what was that Tony?

Tony: I said for stowters you can have the bowstard borred from this part of the browdcowst area.

Richie (laughing): Haha! Ah, no I heard you mate, I just wanted to hear you say it again

Bill (laughing): Heehee, He's gone! You got him Richie

[The Hippie]

Originally posted by Darky


Same here on both counts.

The other favourite is Max Walker listening to the horse race. Now, whenever I am anywhere where there is a horse race on the TV or radio it only takes seconds to break into voice "Go Silver Sovereign, GOOOOOOO Silver Sovereign". :rolleyes:

LOL
'Come on Richie, help me bring him home'
(whack!!)
'OOWW!!! Go Silver Soverieign, ah go' :D :D

Legendary. Same tape as Bill and Tony locking themselves in the commentary box when Richie was going to open with the Chappell brothers. That was too funny.

[Dan26]

Bill Lawry: F*ck rain, f*ck you....that right, run for cover ya littel bastards, we're thrashing the pants of ya. Go and run and hide in the dressing room, it's not over yet. We're gonna UGGHHH *Bill grimaces as he is punched hard in the stomach by an unknown person, to shut him up*

Richie revealing himself to be that person We'll be back here at the MCG, in just a few moments........ I don't f*cking believe this is happening. For f*ck's sake Geoff, do something about this will you..it's like a battlefield in here.

[roobear]

The all-time classic by Bill about Big Merv:
"I love him, I wanna boof him. Get him up here!"

Tony: "...and most of the guts he's shown have been hanging out of that skin tight Aussie shirt of his"
Bill: "yeah? well I'll let him know you said that Tony"

Max: "It looks like he's gonna turn blind...yes...well this is a tragedy.."

Max: "...first the left foot followed by the right, then the left, then the right again, then that familiar left foot right foot combination..."
Bill (opens door) "It's called bowling Max ya ********!

Tony:"To me a grudge is nothing more than a place to pork your cor"

Bill "Oh this poor little bastard he'll be $hitting himelf."

Bill: "I think there's something wrong with Mahanama, Rod"
Rod: "I dunno Bill, seems like a pretty appropriate place for it."

Rabs: "Marijuana was in two kinds there"
Fatty: "that's a pretty dopey thing to say Ray"
Sterlo & Rabs: "turn it up..."

[Blues2001]

I think Still the 12th man is the best, and I'm actually one of few who believe the Australia v Sri Lanka one is ordinary in comparison (still funny though)

[The Hitman]

Originally posted by roobear
Max: "...first the left foot followed by the right, then the left, then the right again, then that familiar left foot right foot combination..."
Bill (opens door) "It's called bowling Max ya ********!

Tony:"To me a grudge is nothing more than a place to pork your cor"


I think I've just been laughing for the last five minutes after those two... :D:D:D

The Hitman

[Mr. Blonde]

Indian Captain: "....plus we lost our best batsman, Coptwon Indanuts."

Ian Chappell: "Aw did he?"

Indian Captain: "No that's his name you f*ckwit, he tore a hamstring."

[The Hitman]

Ian Chappell: "And welcome back to our Adelaide viewers, with the news that they have missed a bit of a sensation a short while ago when Imran Khan, the Pakistan skipper cracked one down behind square leg, and it was pretty embarresing for Immie, but it was a pretty big thrill for the thousands of adoring female fans Immie has here, and right around the country"

Tony Greig: "Well that's certainly true Ian. Imran Khan, never a shortage of attractive young Aussie girls keen to get down to his member's end and face a couple of balls. And he's hung like a rogue elephant too, Imran. I'll never forget on the 72/73 tour with the rest of the world team, I was sharing a room with him, and one night he cracked one through the covers and I can tell you, that little hotel bed of his blew up into something that resembled one of those huge Pakistani marquee's, and boy oh boy, was that something to behold."

Absolute gold... :D

The Hitman

[Danny Chook Fan Club]

RB: Well, we've got some highlights to show you now in a desperate attempt to stop you switching over to the golf.

MG: Gee, it makes you feel a bit crook in the guts every time you see that shot, doesn't it Ian?
IC: Yes, it does make you feel a bit crook in the guts every time you see that shot.
MG: He hit the deck like a sack of spuds didn't he?
IC: Yes, he did hit the sack like deck of ... sack the deck like a spud of ... what did you say again Gibbo?
MG: Never mind.

RB: To work out Sri Lanka's required run rate, you divide the number of balls bowled by the number of balls face, multiply by the average age of the Sri Lankan side, and add the number of spanners in a Sydchrome tool kit. Now that'll leave the Sri Lankans with a target of around 35, 36 runs an over, not an impossible task, but pretty f**king close to it.

BL: Wendy! Did you see what Uncle Merv did? Isn't he great? Yeah, that's right!
TG: Just keep that f**king thing away from my scorecard Bull.
BL: Wendy is not a thing thankyou Tony. Wendy is one of the finest racing pigeons you are ever likely to see my friend.
TG: Yeah, wull ut's one dead pugeon uf ut craps on my scorecard ugain.
BL: Daddy's gotta go to work now Wendy, go on, off you go, bye!

MW: Ay Tone! What's all this blood and feathers and crap all over the place.
TG: Oh, ut's that f**king bird of Bull's, I warned him.
MW: Aww, e's gonna have the sh|ts with you, he loved that bird!
TG: Yeah, wull, stuff shut!

TG: The edge yes! Caught behind! Mork Taylor having a big swung at that one, got the nick and he's gone. A very silly shot there from Mork Taylor.
BL: Well I don't know how you can call it a silly shot Tony. His team's none for 200 odd after 20 overs, why wouldn't he have a go? Stupid prick.

TG: That'll be close, yes he's given him! Geoffrey Morsh, playing right over the top of that one, wrapped him on the pads and that was absolutely plom ... what a good ball this is ... and if these Sri Lankans have any chance of getting back into this match, I think little Lonerangerand De Silva really holds the key.
RB: I don't know about him holding any keys Tony, I think he just aimed at the f**king things, and that's why the ball kept low.

RB: What the f**k's going on?! Why aren't they out there yet?!
Producer: They're coming out now Rich.
RB: Well it's about f**king time! I can't keep crapping on about the cruise for two all bloody night.

RB: Havaskar was the first to go, he went for a big slash outside the off stump, but only succeeded in dribbling it down the leg side. You can't do that sort of thing in international cricket, even over here in Bombay. And the puddle left on the pitch by Havaskar's little indiscretion proved invaluable for the Australian bowlers.

RB: Cutis Arminarf was the next to go, beautifully caught by Steven WAUGH!!! - whoa whoa whoa, what is he good for?

RB: The next man in was Shewroteuponit Retendasenda - ba da da da, address unknown!

RB: Halfadozen Marsbars was the next to go, run-out in a terrible mix-up. Both batsmen ended up in the middle of the pitch, Marsbars was yelling at Raja, Raja was yelling at Marsbars and in the end off came the bails - it was a complete f**k up all round.

[Hoggy]

From memory

IC: Allan Border has won the toss and Pakistan will kick off.

RB: Pakistan are gonna kick orf? What f*cking game are we playing here, has everybody gone completly mad? Who's batting for heavens sake?

Next one frmo The Final Dig?

IC: Oh, and hasn't he smacked that out of his a*se. That is a big fat six all the way.....F*ck you says Stephen Fleming to Jason Gillespie. That's one of the biggest hits since the beatles.

Tip: Download the 12th man CD off the12thman.com

KC: Another f*cking race where every f*cking horse has got an s in his name.
BEAR: You seem to cop a few of those don't you

Next one

DE: Oh and his guts have dropped out all over the floor and here's the hose again.

[NICK THE PIE MAN]

Not cricket, but still a gem.

Bear: Australia completed a whitewash of the England side with a 108 pt victory in the 3rd and final test. Now, if you don't want to know the score because you were out getting sh*t-faced and chasing chicks, and you have just woken up and haven't had time to watch the tape yet; look away now.....................Geez! F*ck me! 112-4 eh!

:D

[Hoggy]

Australia completed a whitewash

Nick...it was an absolute whatwish! not whitewash!

how's the new avatar...scotty cummings!

[NICK THE PIE MAN]

Originally posted by Hoggy


Nick...it was an absolute whatwish! not whitewash!

how's the new avatar...scotty cummings!

:(
Still a funny quote though!

I think the D9 will be unhappy that you traded him in for Cummings!

[Hoggy]

many more to come nick.

[NICK THE PIE MAN]

From 'The Final Dig'

Bill Lawry: Got him! Yes! Piss of your out! :D

[BT]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by GOALden Hawk
[B]



BL: That's F**ked his average Tony!

That was the first one that came to mind when I read the thread title, the TG vs BL are my faves.

After Brice Rude is taped back together...

TG: ...And Brice Rude's snapped in alf!

BL: Of course he Feckin did Tony you ****er! Ludicrous,ridiculous,completly lacking in logic.

[Bob_vic]

From "Still the 12th Man"

(Richie ignoring Max)

MW: "I've got one mother ****er of a cricket bat that says I am!"



RB: "Fellas!!!! Fellas!!!!"
MH: "Hey, I'm cool mun."

Bob

[GOALden Hawk]

From the original WWOS

DE: Pierce off, Jack...Gibbs on

JG: What did you say?

DE: Pierce off, Jack...Gibbs on

JG: Don't tell me to p!ss off you stupid f*ckknuckle!

DE: ohhhh ohhh, Big Jack's king hit me, and I've gone crashing to the ground!

Mike Gibson: For the lesos, better strap on the plastic girls, cause we've got female bodybuilding!

MG: For croquet fans, we've got f*ck all for you once again

[GoEagles]

The waiter from 'The Final Dig' was quite funny. Overall I thought the CD was very good in some parts, and lacking in others. Bill's nose job and Tony's hair replacement were classic! :D

[The Hippie]

"Mr Benaud's office, Faye Dingaway speaking."

[roobear]

The new 12th man is one of the most disappointing things I've heard. It seems to take 25 minutes to set up every joke, and they just aren't that good. He even re-uses classic lines such as "p!ss off you're out", and Bill even says about Warnie "I love him I wanna boof him get him up here". That to me just shows he's run out of ideas.
A single disc of just the funny bits would be a much better listen IMO.

[CarterS]

From the final dig

Tony (after Richie told him not to say "right off the meat of the bat"): Mark Richardson right off the mea... the mea... spot... argh... that's the middle of the sweat spot.

Hansie Cronje (after Tubby introduces him and says what a great game it has been): You bet Mark, my money's certainly on them at this stage of the game that's for sure. 7/635 they'd be odds on the Australians. NZ I'd wager would have a devil of a time trying to score that many, the result of this match pretty much a foregone conclusion really, and that's the way I like them.

the sheer number of gambling/match fixing references from Hansie is amazing.

eg "I know of a couple of SA veterans who are trying to fix their games"

Tubby: "You'll be able to help them with that, Hansie!"


Kerry Packer on the phone is great too.

Great cd.

[GOALden Hawk]

Originally posted by roobear
The new 12th man is one of the most disappointing things I've heard. It seems to take 25 minutes to set up every joke, and they just aren't that good. He even re-uses classic lines such as "p!ss off you're out", and Bill even says about Warnie "I love him I wanna boof him get him up here". That to me just shows he's run out of ideas.
A single disc of just the funny bits would be a much better listen IMO.

I agree....without doubt the longer his CD's have gotten, the less funny as well. I much prefer the actual commentary stuff, instead of all the stories behind it. Have a look at the 12th Man again....virtually all commentary and most people seem to think the best of the series.

[NICK THE PIE MAN]

Originally posted by GOALden Hawk


I agree....without doubt the longer his CD's have gotten, the less funny as well. I much prefer the actual commentary stuff, instead of all the stories behind it. Have a look at the 12th Man again....virtually all commentary and most people seem to think the best of the series.

I loved 'The Final Dig.'
And, love the stories behind it.
Especially loved the original story, Max Walker competing with Ken Sutcliffe for the new commentator position.

Anyway, most of the 'The Final Dig' was classic I thought.
The drunks stirring up Bill and Tony was hilarious, and the phone calls with Kerry Packer!

[NICK THE PIE MAN]

From 'The Final Dig'

Drunk: Hey Tony! My f*cking crack is opening up, think you could get your key in?!?!
*Rest of the drunks laugh*
Tony: You can't go flashing your arse on a plane mate! Settle down!

[SeinDude]

I am a big 12th Man fan and loved all of his CD's. Hansie Cronje being on there was a crack up and I like Joe the camera man... "couldn't care less, couldn't give a sh*t"

How was the picture they were selling for $250 unframed, or $850 fully framed?? $600 bucks for a bloody frame!!! hahaha!! "when Alan Donald it was who had a brain melt and forgot how to run!!"

I must admit though, I loved the name Richie called his new wine... "Chattau Verdaflore" (shat-o-ver-the-floor)

SeinDude

[NICK THE PIE MAN]

From 'The Final Dig'

Richie: Now we'll go to the middle with Tony Greig for the pitch report.
........................
Who the bloody hell is that?
Where is Tony? Why isn't he doing the pitch report?

Director: *laughing* that is Tony! He got a rug!

Richie: He's got a f*cking pony-tail!

Director: *still lauging* You told him to get one!

Richie: Yeah, but I meant a normal bloody hair hat like Greg Matthews, not a bloody Billy Birmingham poofter pony tail! :D :D :D