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maccas_no1
18 May 2007, 09:56
The Elevator:

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in
a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and
the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light
up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and
then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."




The Coma:

A Irish woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses
were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her
private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small,
recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what
happened, telling him that, crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral
sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.

The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close
the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's
room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no
heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".

kimirocks
18 May 2007, 10:08
Well they made me laugh, so it's a start Macca :)

AC7
18 May 2007, 10:41
How do you get a fat chick into bed?

kimirocks
18 May 2007, 10:53
How do you get a fat chick into bed?How do you get a fat chick out of bed?

AC7
18 May 2007, 10:58
How do you get a fat chick out of bed?

peice of cake :eek:

kimirocks
18 May 2007, 11:03
Good point.

AC7
18 May 2007, 11:04
how to get the rest of the day off......



take a slab of chocolate.
put it in your back pocket.
sit at your desk for 2 hours.
when you get up the
chocolate will have melted.
and then ask if you
can go home because you have
made a poo in your pants.
eat the chocolate on the way home. :D

bus24
18 May 2007, 11:15
Disappointing. I was expecting a Rucci special :D

Haha, but very funny.

kimirocks
18 May 2007, 11:16
Disappointing. I was expecting a Rucci special :DWho?

RooDog
18 May 2007, 14:54
an aussie, an american and an irish man walk into a bar and immediately notice a big biker bloke at the back of the bar with no ears. They walk up to the bar man and he warns them, whatever you do just dont stare at the bloke with no ears he is very sensitive about them! so all is good and well but our trio cant help glimpsing every now and then, the bloke catches the aussies staring and walks over and say what are you looking at, the aussie says well sir you see i was admiring your teeth, you have such lovely teeth and as you can see i have false teeth and duly pops his out, fair enough says the bikie and goes back over to his table. No more than 2 minutes later he catches the american staring and walks over to him and says what are you staring at and the american says i was admiring your hair, you have wonderful locks as you can see im bald. the bloke thinks fair enough and sits back down in his seat again. no more than 2 minutes have passed and the irishmen is busted staring and the bloke comes over again and he asks what he is staring at and he says your eyes you have such lovely eyes, perfect sight obviously unlike me who wears glasses, its pretty lucky actually cos you have no ears to hang the glasses from!!


prob a bit long and a little lame...

macca23
21 May 2007, 12:42
Might as well have some Monday morning ones as well - the revival of a few Port oldies. :)



How do you know when you're staying in a Port Adelaide hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "go ahead."


********************
Where was the toothbrush invented?

Port Adelaide. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

********************
A policeman pulls over a Monaro on Port Road and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wot?"

********************
A new law was recently passed in Port Adelaide.

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

*******************
A guy walked into a bar in Port Adelaide and orders a Bundy & Coke.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?"

"No", replies the man, "I'm from Norwood." The bartender looks at
him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Norwood?" "I'm a taxidermist", said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says, "I mount animals".

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar.... "It's okay boys, he's one of us!

NikkiNoo
21 May 2007, 13:08
Sent to me by an Essendon friend -

A Port Adelaide footballer, was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars... " she whispers. He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's only twenty. So they hide in the bushes.

They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.

It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," He answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," the footballer says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.

Mad Dog
21 May 2007, 13:23
Yet another difference between Men and Women


WOMAN'S DIARY
29 April 2007 Sunday


Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him - thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself – he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold. Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.




============================================================ ==============











MAN'S DIARY:
Sunday 29th April



Crows lost.

Gutted.

Got a shag though.




.