Cricket wedding jokes *help!*

[Rise_up_Stiffy]

Hey there,

I'm the best man for my mates wedding, and he is very much into cricket. I want to make a few gags during my speech comparing married life to cricket. The things I can think of are probably pretty lame (im not really into cricket myself), but I'm wondering if any funnymen on here could help me out?

Stuff like:

- batting above his average with his wife
- bigger chucker than muri (buck's night)
- can remove the cover from his bat now that he's married

etc.

Any funny stuff appreciated! The dirtier the better!

[OzBomber]

Just say something that he spends more time playing/watching cricket than he does with his wife.

You can always use this (http://www.planetcricket.net/forums/showthread.php?t=38464).

[omit]

won't have to knock in his bat anymore
pray he doesn't throw away his wicket

[Bomber Bears]

Been known to tamper with his balls on occasion
his wife doesnt enjoy playing on a sticky wicket

[omit]

he can stop swinging it both ways

[CAS79]

every time he has an argumeent with his partnerif he is wrong he must spend more time at the nets and if she is wrong she must spend time in the garden... which explains his improving batting average and the state of the garden.

[Ljp86]

The Groom's hoping he'll get some action at third man tonight. :thumbsu:

[blackhead&boil]

don't forget any variation on the old "short third leg" jokes...

[Illinois Nazi]

You can't miss the opportunity to make some sort of reference to "bowling a maiden over".

[Wallaby]

'Used to pay a lot of attention to Fine leg - known for the odd glance or two'

'Likes to pull balls when a bit short'

'Likes the wicket young and green for some good bounce'

'Tightens his grip, and makes a firm confident stroke. He checks his partner, who nods, and they go for a quick one.'



Come on, man, use your imagination - ther's a million out there! '

[essendon2008]

Hey there,

I'm the best man for my mates wedding, and he is very much into cricket. I want to make a few gags during my speech comparing married life to cricket. The things I can think of are probably pretty lame (im not really into cricket myself), but I'm wondering if any funnymen on here could help me out?

Stuff like:

- batting above his average with his wife
- bigger chucker than muri (buck's night)
- can remove the cover from his bat now that he's married

etc.

Any funny stuff appreciated! The dirtier the better!

If you are referring to Muralitharan, make sure you say 'Murali' not Muri.

[bigpapagman]

front oval is unplayable due to renovations, have to use the back oval.

[J-Train]

every time he has an argumeent with his partnerif he is wrong he must spend more time at the nets and if she is wrong she must spend time in the garden... which explains his improving batting average and the state of the garden.

*crickets chirping*

[Geelongs God.]

Now married, middle stump will be taken out of play.

[Bomber Bears]

there's going to be alot of awkward chuckles during this speech

[rickyp]

*crickets chirping*

rubbish, even the crickets are silent after that gem...

[rdhopkins2]

Wife should watch out for the silly point!

Wife's hens night to be a beer wench at the G getting the boys a pair of jugs every time the cherry is knocked up the ground.

When the covers come off...if there's grass on the wicket, fine to play cricket!

[DT_fanatic]

found this on another forum...

> > 1) We always wear protection.
> >
> > 2) Because with perfect timing we can penetrate a tight ring
> >
> > 3) Once we get in you'll be hit for six
> >
> > 4) We look for gaps and play into them.
> >
> > 5) We are capable of pulling anything.
> >
> > 6) We're not afraid to introduce a third man if required
> >
> > 7) We appreciate legs whether they be fine, short, long or even square.
> >
> > 8) If it starts to get wet we are always sure to have spare sheets and
> > covers.
> >
> > 9) We try to avoid "spraying it"
> >
> > 10) We can go on and on and on for many days!!!
> >
> >
> > Other reasons added by our valued members....
> >
> > 11) We like to play straight
> >
> > 12) We can bat on both grassy and grassless wickets
> >
> > 13) We build long partnerships.
> >
> > 14) We know how to vary the pace to good effect
> >
> > 15) We believe in good helmet protection
> >
> > 16) We're not afraid to spit on our fingers to get the shiny side gleaming
> >
> > 17) We have remarkable stamina with all-round performance.
> >
> > 18) Because our weapons are often wrapped with at least one if not TWO
> > rubber sleeves
> >
> > 19) We score many times.
> >
> > 20) We understand the need for covers and extra covers
> >
> > 21) We definitely know how to 'bang it in'
> >
> > 22) We appreciate a good tail-end
> >
> > 23) Cricketers know for sure that 69 for 2 is a great position to be in.
> >
> > 24) We know how to get a good use of the pitch we play on.
> >
> > 25) We know how to use our bats skillfully while on the crease.
> >
> > 26) We can bowl a maiden over.
> >
> > 27) We know how to arch our backs and give it just that little bit more
> >
> > 28) We're a big fan of video replays
> >
> > 29) We always try to hit the right spot
> >
> > 30) We know how to add that extra bit of pressure
> >
> > 31) We're not afraid of a couple of decent bouncers
> >
> > 32) We never underestimate the value of an overnight stand
> >
> > 33) We usually get through 3 sessions a day
> >
> > 34) We British cricketers relish the chance to go 'down under'
> >
> > 35) We know that chasing a wide one can lead to regret
> >
> > 36) We're not afraid to bring technology into the game
> >
> > 37) We also love to put it in 'The Corridor of Uncertainty'
> >
> > 38) We appreciate the importance of playing in the V.
> >
> > 39) We can be on top all day and still come second
> >
> > 40) We don't like to be given the finger
> >
> > 41) Because we know what it means to score over the covers.
> >
> > 42) If nothing's happening, we like to switch ends
> >
> > 43) If theres a damp patch to be aimed at, u can be sure thats where the
> > balls going.....

[OzBomber]

found this on another forum...

> > 1) We always wear protection.
> >
> > 2) Because with perfect timing we can penetrate a tight ring
> >
> > 3) Once we get in you'll be hit for six
> >
> > 4) We look for gaps and play into them.
> >
> > 5) We are capable of pulling anything.
> >
> > 6) We're not afraid to introduce a third man if required
> >
> > 7) We appreciate legs whether they be fine, short, long or even square.
> >
> > 8) If it starts to get wet we are always sure to have spare sheets and
> > covers.
> >
> > 9) We try to avoid "spraying it"
> >
> > 10) We can go on and on and on for many days!!!
> >
> >
> > Other reasons added by our valued members....
> >
> > 11) We like to play straight
> >
> > 12) We can bat on both grassy and grassless wickets
> >
> > 13) We build long partnerships.
> >
> > 14) We know how to vary the pace to good effect
> >
> > 15) We believe in good helmet protection
> >
> > 16) We're not afraid to spit on our fingers to get the shiny side gleaming
> >
> > 17) We have remarkable stamina with all-round performance.
> >
> > 18) Because our weapons are often wrapped with at least one if not TWO
> > rubber sleeves
> >
> > 19) We score many times.
> >
> > 20) We understand the need for covers and extra covers
> >
> > 21) We definitely know how to 'bang it in'
> >
> > 22) We appreciate a good tail-end
> >
> > 23) Cricketers know for sure that 69 for 2 is a great position to be in.
> >
> > 24) We know how to get a good use of the pitch we play on.
> >
> > 25) We know how to use our bats skillfully while on the crease.
> >
> > 26) We can bowl a maiden over.
> >
> > 27) We know how to arch our backs and give it just that little bit more
> >
> > 28) We're a big fan of video replays
> >
> > 29) We always try to hit the right spot
> >
> > 30) We know how to add that extra bit of pressure
> >
> > 31) We're not afraid of a couple of decent bouncers
> >
> > 32) We never underestimate the value of an overnight stand
> >
> > 33) We usually get through 3 sessions a day
> >
> > 34) We British cricketers relish the chance to go 'down under'
> >
> > 35) We know that chasing a wide one can lead to regret
> >
> > 36) We're not afraid to bring technology into the game
> >
> > 37) We also love to put it in 'The Corridor of Uncertainty'
> >
> > 38) We appreciate the importance of playing in the V.
> >
> > 39) We can be on top all day and still come second
> >
> > 40) We don't like to be given the finger
> >
> > 41) Because we know what it means to score over the covers.
> >
> > 42) If nothing's happening, we like to switch ends
> >
> > 43) If theres a damp patch to be aimed at, u can be sure thats where the
> > balls going.....

Post 2. ;)

[DT_fanatic]

oh, my bad :p

[potatomasher]

If you want to have a memorable speech, say you shagged with the bride while the groom was watching cricket. Depending on when the wedding is, you could actually go through with it and do her during the New Zealand test. (not like Australia will lose anyway)

Or you can stick to lame bumper-sticker jokes and get a few sympathy chuckles. Your call, really.

[Mr_Smooth]

wife doesn't mind getting down to the members end to face a couple of balls..??

[Sico 17]

Dear Bride

Congratulations on finding a guy who has the best ball control of any bowler in the state.

From Groom