Lame Jokes Part 2

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A man goes to bed with a woman he has just picked up at a local nightclub.

After making love, they lie beside each other, with her rubbing his balls. After a whole hour, he turned and asked her:

"You really seem to be enjoying that. How come?"

"Because," she replied, "I really miss mine."
 

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During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day.

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake and nearly drowned after I fell in. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I only just avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a s**t golfer.":drunk:
 
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts ...
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods ...
He politely greets the lady with, "Good day Madam. How may we help you today?"
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, "What is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price!"
 

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A polar bear walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a scotch and ….............................. Coke.”
“Why the long pause?” asks the bartender.

“I don’t know, I’ve had them all my life.” replied the polar bear :)
 
An old lady checked into a nice motel on her 65TH birthday. She was feeling a bit lonely and thought, "I'll call one of those men in the phone book for ESCORTS AND SENSUAL MASSAGES."
She looked through the book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself TENDER TONY. He was a very handsome man with assorted physical skillsflexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and a nicely tightened backside. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready. NOW HOW DOES THAT SOUND?"
He said, "Madam, that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
 
Just before last year's Federal Election, Julia Gillard took some of her ministers out to lunch at a restaurant in Canberra. They sat down, and the waiter said to Julia, "What would you like to eat, Prime Minister?"

Julia replied, "Give me some steak."

The wait said, "Very good madam, and what about the vegetables?"

Julia replied, "Yeah they'll have steak as well."
 
What I don't get is...When a woman gets a vibrator, it's viewed as a bit of naughty fun.
BUT when a guy orders a 240-Volt Sunbeam @#$% Master Pro 5000 blow-up latex doll with six-speed pulsating vagina, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream Dolby surround sound system, with huge breasts and pink nipples, he's called a Port Power Pervert.o_O
 
Joining the army if your name is William must be difficult. The phrase "Fire at will" would have to make you extremely nervous.
 
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