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Nebula1971 said:
Two WOMEN - are having a coffee and catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?

A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. Nightmare, and you?

Oh, mine was incredible.. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles and we had foreplay which lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and we chatted until late.. It was wonderful...
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If you can learn the basic gist of this joke enough to tell it at parties, it always goes down a treat
 
Two old guys that walk along the beach every day in their retirement years finally speak to each other , The first guy Jacob asks Saul so what happened to you and why did you retire down here , Saul replies i was in the rag trade and one night my factory caught fire , and when the insurance chq finally came through i decided to take the money and retire, then Saul asks Jacob so whats your story and Jacob says its very similar to yours i was in the rag trade and one night the factory got flooded out and when the insurance chq finally come i decided like you to just retire,

Saul turns to Jacob and says i have just one question for you Jacob, How do you start a flood.
 

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I was at the pub the other night when this fat, ugly chick comes up to me, slaps my arse and says, "Can I have your number sexy?' I replied, 'Do you have a pen?' 'Yes', she said. So I said, 'Well, you better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing'.
 
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'
 

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Little Dennis came home from his Koondoola school one day slightly confused.

His mother was Jewish and his father was an Aboriginal.

So Dennis asks, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father," his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

"What the hell kind of a question is that? What do you want to know for? asks his old man.

"Well, it's like this Dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bike for $50, and I don't know whether to be like a Jew and chop him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the farking thing."o_O
 
On a crowded train, travelling in Europe , a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?o_O"
The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle. Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, "Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired!

This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the mutt, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honor! This American needs to be put in his place! "

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road, and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.":D
 
Not sure if it's a true story or not, but it's a great yarn anyway.

Everybody knows about Neil Armstrong's first words when he landed on the moon, "One small step for man: one giant leap for mankind." But not many people know about what he said next, "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." For years, Armstrong was quizzed about what that comment meant, but he refused to answer. But one day, when asked again, the mysterious Mr. Gorsky had apparently passed away, so Armstrong felt he was able to tell the story. He said, "I was playing baseball in the back yard in 1938. I hit the ball next door, and it landed outside the Gorsky's bedroom window. As I was about to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky say, "Sex? You want sex? You'll get sex the day the kid next door lands on the moon." :)
 
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat".
 
Sensitivity test for men

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss AFL Insider.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7.. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
 
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