Lame Jokes Part 2

May 20, 2001
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Got a rejection letter from E-HARMONY.COM
My Dear Friend,
Your application to join our online dating agency has been REJECTED.
One of the questions we asked on the application was: 'What do you like most in a woman?'
'My dick' is not an appropriate answer.
Thank you for your interest.o_O
 

worbod

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Oct 26, 2008
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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

'What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
 

worbod

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 26, 2008
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All he had to do was don a Winnie the Pooh costume and be friendly to kids.
So, how did he get fired first day on the job?




upload_2014-4-28_10-36-47.png
 
May 20, 2001
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
Three dead bodies turn up at the Dublin mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'He thought he was having his picture taken'.:D
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
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Kufa, Iraq
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.'

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
The Texan immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.'

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, 'And what are those?' The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?:rolleyes:'
 

worbod

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 26, 2008
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white. We will name him...Sum Ting Wong.’
 

4evablues

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Jul 14, 2011
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white. We will name him...Sum Ting Wong.’

Hahaha. So lame and so funny!!!
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it
Speaking of holy water...

One morning a man comes into church on crutches.
He stops In front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.
omg1.gif


An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the Rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eyelid, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man? 'Flat on his arse, Father, over by the holy water.'
happy-086.gif
 

worbod

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 26, 2008
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
Daisy replies, "It's true; no bull!"
 

worbod

Norm Smith Medallist
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Once you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
May 20, 2001
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Kufa, Iraq
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £15.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all DA talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all DA business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £3..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each. And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners.":rolleyes:
 
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