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I'd like to share a little story that all started when I was ten. Back then I lived with my Mum and Dad, and for the most part we were happy. One day however, with a dead frog in hand, I wandered down to the local burlesque show, and plonked the dead frog on the desk in front of a startled madame.

It didn't take long for her to tell me that I'm far too young to visit her establishment. Of course, I knew she was right. But I also knew a little money goes a long way.

Putting a $100 bill on the table I begin by asking for her most diseased whore. She didn't look too pleased, commenting all of her girls are as clean as air. Not believing her for a second, I placed another $100 bill on the table. Nervously, she asks me to beckon closer as she whispers "last door on the right".

After I finish my business, I begin to head out before the madame stops me. "Now kid, what you did was extremely stupid. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and that s**t you caught is sure to make you die."

I fixed her a cold, hard stare, and told her my plan.

"The reason I had to become a man today was so I could go and screw my babysitter. Then when Daddy gets home he'll have some fun, and eventually he'll pass it on to Mum. By the next morning when Daddy's at work, she'll have screwed our mailman, and that's the motherf*cker that killed my frog!"
 
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Double the Fist said:
Don't get me wrong, very tragic, but very funny gag.

Its weird how you can get humor out of such awful events, Lady Di, the shuttle disaster etc.... maybe its just a way of coping with our own mortality?

anyway, good gag! :thumbsu:
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Definitely a coping mechanism. I think that humour sometimes disarms the impact of an event which allows us to recognise that whilst we should all acknowledge how terrible the event was, we shouldn't get too hung up about it, otherwise we'd all need therapy ( like the Americans who have no sense of humour and thus need therapy).
 
jumboprince said:
Definitely a coping mechanism. I think that humour sometimes disarms the impact of an event which allows us to recognise that whilst we should all acknowledge how terrible the event was, we shouldn't get too hung up about it, otherwise we'd all need therapy ( like the Americans who have no sense of humour and thus need therapy).
Click to expand...
Good post. I think we may as well make light of our own mortality and that of others, as is it an inevitable demise which, if you dwell on it, or take too seriously, will send you round the twist!!!! :eek:
 
To sport, and to a seniors' pole vaulting event in Helsinki, where ex world champion Sergei Bubka of Russia, cleared a massive 6.2 metres at his second attempt. However he was then beaten into second place by the Adelaide Crows club song, which cleared the entire stadium.
 
My wife said the bloke next door kisses his wife every morning before leaving for work, and asked why I didn't.

To be fair I hardly know the woman.
 
Homer Simpson singing "Doh rae me":

Dough, the stuff that buys my beer
Ray, the bloke who buys my beer
Me, the bloke who drinks my beer
Far, the distance from my beer
So I think I'll have a beer
La la la la la la beer
Tea: no thanks - I'm having beer
That will bring us back to (and he looks at his empty beer glass) DOH!!!!!!
 
There’s three blokes at a BA meeting - Bestiality Anonymous

The group leader asked the first bloke, “how’s it been going Bob?

Bob replies” I’m going well, as you know I had a fetish with goats, I haven’t had sex with a goat for six months.

That’s very good says the group leader.

“OK what about you Trevor?”

NZer Trevor replied “Going really well, He bru, I haven’t had the urge to have 'six' with a 'ship' for 12 months.

“Fantastic Trevor.”

“And Dan how are you going….”

Dan looks real happy with himself.

He said well since our last meeting I’ve been f***ing that frozen bird every night. And it seems to be going well.

The other blokes are all shocked.

The group leader said "Oh no Dan, that’s terrible, what happened?"

Dan said, "It’s not my fault, you’re the one at the last meeting who told me to try cold turkey."
 
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A buck hunter has been out in the forest for 6 months and finally decides he needs to get back to civilisation.

He drives into town and heads to the butcher, hands over the carcasses and walks away, all cashed up.

There’s a new brothel opened next to the only pub in the street. It advertises special deals for new customers, so the hunter’s eyes light up and he thinks, may as well have himself some fun.

After an hour of pleasure at the brothel he goes next door to the pub.

The barman says “I haven’t seen you around here before.”

The hunter replied “Yeah I’ve been out in the woods for a long time catching meself some bucks.” He gave the barman a wink, nodded his head towards the brothel, “Best sex I’ve ever had”.

The barman wondering what the prices are charged at the new brothel next door said “Was it dear?”

No you sick bastard, I might shoot ‘em, but I don’t f**k ‘em.
 
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,

'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,

'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses.. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face
and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.
icon_rolleyes.gif
 
During World War 2, a British general is giving his men a pep talk, before they go out and face the might of the German army. The general speaks passionately, and the hair on the back of every man in the room stands upright, such is their admiration for their leader. He says, "Men - today we go out to fight the Germans, and indeed it is going to be a VERY difficult battle. However I want you to remember one thing, and be proud of it: WE ARE THE BRITISH ARMY. Now when we get out there, the odds against us are going to be something like 4 to 1 - you hear me: 4 to 1, and there is a very strong possibility that many of us may never return. However, keep this one thing locked in your minds: WE ARE THE BRITISH ARMY!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So having been sufficiently motivated by the general's speech, the men go out into the battlefield. The fighting is intense, and the casualties are mounting rapidly. However 1 Irish soldier appears to be taking things fairly casually - he's leaned up against a tree, having a puff on a cigarette. The general comes up and catches him red handed, and he's fuming!!! He says to the soldier, "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?"

The Irishman says, "Having a cigarette, sir."

The general raises his voice even further, "WELL I CAN SEE THAT, BUT WHY AREN'T YOU OUT THERE FIGHTING FOR YOUR COUNTRY?"

The Irishman just shrugs his shoulders, and says, "Well sir: I've killed my 4."
 

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A woman walks into a marriage counselling office.

The counsellor says, "I know exactly why you're here. Your husband doesn't want to make love to you anymore, instead he prefers watching pr0n and masturbating."

She exclaims, "Wow! that's correct! How did you know without even having a session with me?"

The counsellor replies, "Because you're fat."
 
There is one like that about a check out at a supermarket.

A lady goes through with a few items in the express lane, the gentleman behind her says, I can see you are single.
The lady says thats amazing, you can tell that from what I'm buying.
He says no, its because youre ****ing ugly!
 
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.:eek:
 
My wife and I were about to leave the house when I said, "Hold on, I need to go to the toilet."
"Hurry up, we're late," she grumbled. "Is it number one or number two?"
"Err... Number seven," I said, closing the bathroom door.
"What the * are you on about?" she moaned.
"I've had six wanks today," I shouted, "so this is my seventh."

PastiesPeake I'd thought you'd like this one.
 
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to
her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a
conversation with your fellow passenger."


The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
" Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no GOD, or no
Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a
question first.


A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but
a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."


To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified
to discuss why there is no GOD, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after
death, when you don't know s**t?"


And then she went back to reading her book.


Two Italian men get on the bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.""You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

PastiesPeake LOL
 
A gyncologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, o_Owhich I've never seen done in my entire career".
 
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