Lame Jokes Part 2

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A blonde was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.
The party waiting behind her was a group from Poort including John Butcher.
John quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.
She thanked him and started to leave, when he said,
"I'm John Butcher and I hope you'll follow Poort this Sad-dee."
She laughed and quickly said: "I fell on my arse, not my head."
 

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A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on; back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
 
Indisputable Facts

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra.A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Pale, Dry & Draught. Men may state their preferences but will grab whatever is available.
 
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"...think about it...
 
A fundraiser for a local charity noticed that the town's most successful lawyer hadn't made a donation yet. The fundraiser called the lawyer and said, "Sir, our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least 300,000 dollars, you didn't give a dime to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community?"
The lawyer thought it over and replied, "Firstly, did your research also show my mother is dying and has massive medical bills? Or that my sister is confined to a wheelchair? Or that my brother died in a traffic accident, leaving his three children penniless?"
The humiliated fundraiser said simply, "No sir, I had no idea."
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any money to you?"
 

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worbod said:
A fundraiser for a local charity noticed that the town's most successful lawyer hadn't made a donation yet. The fundraiser called the lawyer and said, "Sir, our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least 300,000 dollars, you didn't give a dime to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community?"
The lawyer thought it over and replied, "Firstly, did your research also show my mother is dying and has massive medical bills? Or that my sister is confined to a wheelchair? Or that my brother died in a traffic accident, leaving his three children penniless?"
The humiliated fundraiser said simply, "No sir, I had no idea."
"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any money to you?"
Click to expand...
:D:thumbsu: Pisser that!
 
Superman was feeling horny, but didn't know how to satisfy his urges. He bumped into Batman and asked, "Hey Batman, I need to find a female who understands me. Do you know any superheroes who might be looking for a bit of intimate male company?"
"Why don't you ask Wonder Woman?" Batman replies.
"Well, I've known her for many years and consider her too close a friend. I could never be in that type of situation with her."
Superman then flies away and bumps into Spiderman. He asks him the same question, to which Spiderman replies, "Wonder Woman is a knockout chick. Why don't you get together with her for a romantic evening?"
"No, I couldn't," says Superman. "I've known her for too long to be able to make any moves on her."
Superman flies away, and as he's travelling, he spots Wonder Woman lying on top of a high rise building, on her back and completely naked. He thinks about it and decides the temptation is too great and he can no longer hold it in. He flies down to where Wonder Woman is lying, whips his penis out, has an orgasm in mere seconds due to his horniness and then flies away.
Astonished at what has just happened, Wonder Woman asks, "What was that?"
"I don't know," says the Invisible Man, "but my ass is sore."
 
The war against terror was going badly for Osama bin Laden, so Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370H SSV 0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to the Department of Defence. They couldn't decipher the code, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it was sent to the CIA. The best CIA code breakers couldn't decipher the message either.
Eventually the president's advisors posted full page ads in newspapers around the world, asking Osama bin Laden to clarify his statement.
The next day bin Laden released a follow-up letter: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
 
topjars said:
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (former world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
Click to expand...

My mate and I were playing chess, and he said 'Let's make this interesting'. So we played something else..................

Another mate asked me if I wanted to run a marathon. I said ' You've got to be joking!'.
He said 'Come on - it's for the Blind and the *******s'.
I thought 'Bloody hell, I could win this!'.
 
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