Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

Humour is subjective i laugh at a lot of things others don't find funny.

And i don't laugh at some things that others might find hilarious

EG: I might laugh at the jokes in The Naked Gun Films, Seinfeld, Frasier, Cheers, 30 Rock, Curb Your Enthusiasm
But i know other people that can't stand them.

I can't stand The Big Bang Theory, Everybody Loves Raymond, Friends
And yet i know plenty of people that love them.
 

Double the Fist

i wull eet yur fayce karnt
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Just because someone says something is a joke, doesn't make it funny. Pearler even less so.

Are you the sort of person that claps in a social setting when someone says something remotely funny?
No. Just sick of dickheads enjoying commenting when its not warranted. If you don't like it, just keep it too yourself so I don't have to wade through your crap too.
 
May 20, 2001
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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'

He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!'

He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'

'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray!!!o_O
 
May 20, 2001
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A loud mouth Texan sat on the barber's chair..."I'll have a shave and a shoe shine.":eek:

The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the most beautiful breasts he had ever seen, knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The Texan said, "Honey, you and I should go spend the afternoon in a hotel room."

She replied, "Sorry, I'm married and I’d never be unfaithful to my husband."
The Texan said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him; you're closer!”;)
 
May 20, 2001
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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mummy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'":oops:
 
May 20, 2001
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Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his mum is fixing dinner. "Mum, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"
"No thanks, just the cider."

So she gives him the cider and watches him trot contentedly off. Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns once again and asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer.

So she wanders into the family room and sees Little Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass," she asks? "Well, Mum, I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
 

worbod

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A man turns up at his psychiatrist's office wearing only Gladwrap around his groin. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
 
May 20, 2001
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SPOILER ALERT....DONT READ IF OFFENDED...THIS IS A RACIST JOKEo_Oo_O

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is ... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is
Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
 
May 20, 2001
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While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"o_O
 
May 20, 2001
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A Muslim dies and finds himself in front of St Peter at the gates of heaven.

"Hey, what's going on here? Where am I?" he asks St Peter.

"Welcome to the afterlife," St Peter replies.

"No, no this isn't right. I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed, right away."

"Would you like a cappuccino?" asks St Peter.

"No! I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed," replies the Muslim.

"Well, you can talk to Jesus if you want," says St Peter, and goes off to find him.

"Jesus, I don't understand what's going on here," the Muslim says. "I want to speak to the prophet Mohammed."

"Would you like a cappuccino?"

"No, I want to speak to the prophet! Now."

"Well, you can talk to God if you like", says Jesus.

This appears acceptable to the Muslim and off they go. Jesus lets the Muslim into a big room and leaves him. After a few moments there is a puff of smoke and God appears.

"Yes, what seems to be the problem here?" booms God.

The Muslim is very worked up by now. "Look, I don't get what's happened here, I want to talk to the prophet Mohammed!"

"Would you like a cappuccino?"

"Okay, okay," says the Muslim, "I'll have a @#$% cappuccino - now will someone please let me speak to the prophet Mohammed."

"Two cappuccinos, Mohammed," says God.:D
 
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