Lame Jokes Part 2

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One for the Edelstiens
Gabby asks her doctor if there are any Viagra pills for her elderly husband.
"Yes," the doc says, "there are three different strengths: 20% , which lifts it up a little bit; 50%, which makes it stand up half way; and 100%, which makes it touch the ceiling."
"Oh", says the woman,"I'll take the 20% pill please."
The doc shrugs his shoulders and says, "the 20% pill won't do much for you sex life, love."
To which Gabby replies, "no, but it'll stop him pissing in his f#*#ng slippers!":drunk:
 
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Are you mad”" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection . . . but she did.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow". I said you’re obviously not damned listening.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
 
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty bastards.
 
topjars said:
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid ... then i was petrified.
Click to expand...

did you tell her to go, go out that door, just turn around now, she's not welcome anymore?
 
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