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I recently went in for a prostate exam. As the Doctor pulled on the <snap> rubber gloves , he said:
"It's not unusual to get an erection during this examination."
I said "Don't worry Doc, I won't."
Doc says "I wasn't talking about you."
 
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A guy walks into the doctors office and says "Doc, I've been having trouble going to the toilet for the past week because I am constipated." "Well, I can give you some laxatives to take that should get you going again. Just take one pill at lunch time and one before you go to bed for a week." The doctor hands him a prescription. "Sorry Doc, but I can't swallow tablets. Bad experience as a kid" the man explains apologetically. "Well, I could always give you a suppository" the doctor offers. "What's that?" The man asks. "It's a tablet that you shove into your rectum. It really is the only alternative, I am afraid." The man sighs. "Fine." The doctor stands up and goes to the store room, comes back a moment later with a white tablet and asks the man to stand next to the bed, drop his pants and bend over. The man obliges and the doctor administers the suppository. The man relaxes for a moment and pulls his pants back up. "Here is a prescription for your laxatives, and remember they go into your rectum." The doctor says. The man thanks him and leaves.

With his prescription filled and collected, the man heads home and relaxes with his family. As it gets late, he asks his wife if she could help with the suppository and she agrees. He assumes the position bent over the bed and as his wife goes to give him the laxative, the man curses loudly.

"What's wrong honey? Are you in pain? His wife asks, concerned.

Her husband turns his head to look at her, tears streaming down his face and replies

"No, I'm not in pain. I just realised when the doctor gave me the suppository, he had both of his hands on my shoulders."
 

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DanceSalsa said:
Question: Why is a bad football team like an old bra?
Answer: No cups and little support.
Click to expand...
hqdefault.jpg
 
A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office having her annual checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her:

"My, what a big vagina! My, what a big vagina!"

The lady was, to put it mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type she spoke up immediately:

"Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unprofessional of you to say something like that. To say such a thing once was bad enough, but twice is outrageous!"

"I'm very sorry," replied the doctor, "please forgive me. But just to set the record straight, I only said it once."
 
A guy, who was not feeling well, went to the hospital to have tests run.

Two days later, he received a call to get to the hospital as fast as he could and NOT to have contact with anyone.

Upon arrival, he was ushered to a room where everyone was in HAZMAT suits......

The lead doctor said, "Sir.....I am sorry to inform you that your tests came back and you are positive for HEADS."

The guy says, "Huh? What the hell is HEADS?

The doc says, "Well, Sir....it is a mutated virus that combines Herpes, Ebola, AIDS, Diphtheria and Syphilis..."

"Oh, Dear God!" the guy replies, "What can you do?"

The doctor says, "Just stay calm....the first thing we are going to do is get you a room all to yourself.

Then, we are going to start you off with a diet of pancakes and pizza....."

The guy says, "Wait! What? Pancakes and pizza? Will that help cure me?"

"Well,.....no." says the doctor, "But, it's the only things we can slip under the far ken door....":D
 
A young man from Texas went to his local doctor office with a slight temperature and feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Ebola, a really nasty virus. The strain of Ebola you have is called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth ".

He trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the National Game comes up - and he wins that too getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says," Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth ! "

" Lucky ? " he screamed in incredulity, " You think I'm lucky ! Christ, I've got Yellow 24 !! ".
'' @#$% me,'' said the bingo caller in disbelief, '' You've won the meat raffle as well !!! "
 
2 dyslexics walk into a bank and shout ...

Air in the hands motherstickers, this is a faak up
 

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I decided to go to the Mosque for a first time. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said by the will of Allah the all Mighty and the Prophet Mohammed you will walk today. I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me again and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me. After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my car had been stolen.
 
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said :

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems .

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 
philreich said:
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said :

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems .

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favorite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Click to expand...
  1. Why do Kamakaze pilots wear helmets is my fav.
 
philreich said:
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said :
Click to expand...
He's still the funniest comedian I saw live, destroyed Hamer hall.
Most of these aren't actually his, but many are quite good.

He has a whole series of one liners of his ex-workplaces, brilliant stuff (especially with his delivery).

"I used to work at the factory where they made fire hydrants. Couldn't park anywhere near the place"
 
My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Redhead matches.
His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.o_O
 
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Mofra said:
He's still the funniest comedian I saw live, destroyed Hamer hall.
Most of these aren't actually his, but many are quite good.

He has a whole series of one liners of his ex-workplaces, brilliant stuff (especially with his delivery).

"I used to work at the factory where they made fire hydrants. Couldn't park anywhere near the place"
Click to expand...
I used to be a proof reader for a sky writing company.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
 
Rod Stroker said:
I used to be a proof reader for a sky writing company.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
Click to expand...
If you can't hear me it's because I'm speaking in parenthesis's....'s.....'s
 
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