Rumour Tall Tales and True

[littlenails]

Tall Tales and True

Its the off season now and not much footy going on. So, I thought that I would start up this thread. Stories about the players or the club or things related to the club. Make it interesting but whatever you do, never let the truth get in the way of a good story. I'll post the first three and then post a few more in the days to come.


The Saxaphone player


As you know Will Minson grew up in Norwood, South Australia and played football there when he was 18. Prior to that he studied at St Peter's College, Adelaide, and played junior football at Walkerville.

He learned to play the saxaphone. He'd give recitals to his mates but never sort of understood why that by the time he came to the end of the recital everybody seemed to have disappeared. One night he was around his brother Hugh's place who lived on the third floor of a block of flats over-looking the street.

Suddenly a car alarm went off in the street outside. "That's my car alarm," said Will, "and my saxaphone is on the back seat." Everybody rushed out to the balcony to see Will's car below, the window smashed.

Oh no! They all ran downstairs and out to the car. They looked into the car and to everybody's horror the saxaphone was still there.

 

[littlenails]

Just one short, or one shot

Jason Akermanis was born in Mildura and is of Lithuanian descent on his Canadian father's side. He moved to Queensland and went to Wavell State High School then at St. Joseph's Nudgee College and played football with the Mayne Football Club.

Jason would occassionally go back to Mayne Football Club to watch them and catch up with old mates. One day while Jason was in the club rooms this guy, who looked like he could have been the coach, came running in crying "I'm one shot, I'm one shot!" The guy had a bit of a Scottish accent so Jason presumed that he was the coach who one player short for the upcoming game. Jason stood up.

"Are there any old West Coast players here?", the man shouted. No-one answered. Jason waved his arms about (notice me, notice me). Then the man cried out again, "Are there any Essendon players here?". "Any supporters then?" No-one answered.

Jason stepped forward, "What about me?" The man said "Nah, you'd be no good!" Jason answered back sternly, "I played for the Brisbane Bears, the Brisbane Lions and the Western Bulldogs, I won three premierships and one Brownlow Medal, now tell me why wouldn't a coach want me!"

"A coach?" said the man, "I'm not a coach, I'm the local junkie just looking for some drugs."

 

[littlenails]

The Geelong Flier


Harold Clapp introduced Victoria's first "named train", the Geelong Flier in May 1926, which cut the journey time between Melbourne and Geelong to just one hour, using a steam locomotive. I still remember the steam locomotive on the Geelong Flier but can't say the I travelled in the train when it was pulled by a steam engine. I don't know if the Geelong Flier still runs. Bob Davis a fast Geelong footballer was nicknamed, the Geelong Flier.


The train had a long line of wooden carriages that were connected by a walk-way. If you were not careful you could fall out while changing carriages. Each carriage had a toilet


My mate Nobbie and I, were still little kids really, when we would catch the Geelong Flier from Newport to Geelong on a Saturday morning to watch the Doggies when we played there.


One day while on the Geelong Flier there were these two big kids on the train, Geelong supporters, pushing us around. Giving us a load of razz. Then the ticket guard came around checking for tickets. We noticed that the Geelong kids were missing. They were both in the same toilet. The guard knocked on the toilet door, "Ticket please." They shoved one ticket under the door, the guard checked the ticket and shoved it back under the door and went on his way. After a minute or so one Geelong kid came out, followed shortly by the other.

My mate Nobbie was a sharp little fellow, I tell you. He didn't buy a ticket for the journey home. Those big nasty Geelong boys were on the train. Shortly after the train left the station at Geelong, Nobbie walked past the Geelong boys and said loudly enough, " Oh, here comes the ticket guard." The Geelong boys made haste for the toilet.

Nobbie, went to the toilet door and knocked, in his deepest voice he said, "Tickets please". A ticket appeared from under the door. He grabbed it we and bolted to the other end of the train.

 

[littlenails]

AFL Media Training


AFL players as professional footballers are limited with the average playing career lasting about six years. Their contracts are fixed for the first two of these years it doesn't leave a lot of time to set themselves up both career-wise and financially.

The AFL Players' Association Player Development Program places a huge emphasis on a successful transition into and out of the game. The transition starts when at draft time with a two day Induction Camp introducing giving a snapshot of what life will be like as an AFL player.

Throughout their first year, players undertake an induction course called the Football Apprenticeship which is TAFE accredited. It's a year-long course which teaches life skills (managing money, nutrition, first aid etc) and introduces to the world of footy (media training, skills and tactics and game development).

This study can continue right through to Diploma level and afterwards there is the opportunity to engage in any TAFE or tertiary courses prefered.

The key people are the Player Development Regional Managers who help to help guide players through the training. The person to contact for the Western Bulldogs is Brett Johnson.

In the early days there were small groups who undertook training in various aspects of media interview, particularly sessions to find the right word for the occassion. In one such training session there were about a dozen Bulldog players.

You need to use ordinary but adult words, the trainer told them.

So with that clear, he began by asking Simon what he had done over the holidays.

"We went to visit my Nan," he said.

"No," the trainer replied, "you went to visit your grandmother. Plain adult language"

So he asked Scott what he had done over the holidays.

"We took a ride on a choo-choo!" he replied.

"No," he said. "You took a ride on a train. You must remember to use plain adult words."

He then asked Dougie what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's wonderful!" the lecturer said. "What book did you read?"

Dougie thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the Manure!"

 

[littlenails]

The Pope and Griff

Some time ago in more happier days our former illustrious captain was out pig shooting with his mates. I don't know if you know much about wild pigs but they can be huge and very ferocious and if you ever saw the movie Silence of the Lambs you would know that the things can eat you alive.

You will all remember not long ago the the Pope came to visit. Just by chance he went sight-seeing and came across Griff and his mates who were wrestling with this giant and ferocious hairy black pig. A Collingwood guy was getting mauled by the pig while Griff was plugging it full of lead. The Collingwood guy was screaming out, "Eddie, save me, Eddie save me!"

Anyhow, Griff finally killed the pig and slammed it in the back of the 4X4. He then grabbed the partially mangled Collingwood supporter and laid him on the back seat.

The Pope watched all of this and was horrified. He knew of the rivalry between clubs in the AFL. As Griff and his mates prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions in saving that man!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between AFL players and supporters, but I've now seen with my own eyes that is not true!"

As the Pope drove off, one of Griff's mates asked him, "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope, you idiot!" another replied. "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," Griff said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know much about pig shooting. On that note, is the bait still holding up, or do we need to go back to Collingwood and grab another one?"

 

[littlenails]

Woofer is a real dog

Woofer is the Western Bulldogs Club's real live mascot and attends all matches and social functions. He also makes himself available for charity and his likeness is made into souvenier goods from the Bulldog's shop. He would always win the mascot race each year.

Woofa was originally purchased by Susan Albierti, one of the directors for the Western Bulldogs. She was looking for a Bulldog's mascot when she driving around the Seddon area and spotted a sign outside somebody's home. "Talking Bulldog For Sale." She rings the bell and the owner tells her the dog is in the backyard.

She goes into the backyard and sees a Bulldog sitting there.

"You talk?" she asks.

"Yep," the Bulldog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Bulldog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told ASIO about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for six years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

Susan is amazed. She goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the bloke says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."

 

[Poke The Bear]

Psychology vs Law



A young Peter Gordon in his uni days is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library.
He asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"


All the students in the library started staring at Peter; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the Pete's table and said with a laugh...
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?


Peter then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? .. . . THAT’S ABSURD!”
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
He whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

You’ll never beat a lawyer!

 

[littlenails]

Its gotta be RED

I posted something like this last year. I liked it so much that I thought I'd post it again..

I like the idea of our team having predominantly RED jumpers, because the players stand out more and more individuals and teams seem to win when in red. However, I have to admit that it is true that Hawthorn have done well with their excremental brown and yellow.


Manchester United Football Club wears mostly RED jumpers and is one of the most successful clubs in English football. They have won the most League titles(20),a joint record 11 FA Cups, four League Cups, and a record twenty FA Community Shields. The club has also won three European Cups, one UEFA Cup Winners' Cup, one UEFA Super Cup, one Intercontinental Cup, and one FIFA Club World Cup. In 1998–99, the club won a continental treble of the Premier League, the FA Cup and the UEFA Champions League.


Manchester United took on the RED colours in 1902 when Captain Harry Stafford found four local businessmen who saved and recreated an ailing club. Since then they never looked back.


Liverpool Football Club has won more European trophies than any other English team with five European Cups, three UEFA Cupsand three UEFA Super Cups. The club has also won eighteen League titles, seven FA Cups and a record eight League Cups.

For much of Liverpool's history its home colours have been all RED. In 1964, manager Bill Shankly decided to change to an all red strip.He thought the colour scheme would carry psychological impact - red for danger, red for power. He came into the dressing room one day and threw a pair of red shorts to Ronnie Yeats. "Get into those shorts and let's see how you look", he said. "Christ, Ronnie, you look awesome, terrifying. You look 7ft tall." "Why not go the whole hog, boss?" he suggested. "Why not wear red socks? Let's go out all in red." Shankly approved and an iconic kit was born.

But Shankley and Stafford did not dream up that RED was a great color for battle, they had a common ancestor, the cabin boy on Lord Admiral Nelson's flagship the Victory who was related to both of them and his story became family lore and was passed down through the generations.


Apparently it started in 1797 when a young flag officer Horatio Nelson was in charge of HMS Captain at the Battle of Cape St Vincent. At the start of battle there was a call from the crows nest.
"Commodore Nelson, Commodore Nelson there are six Spanish galleons to the north of us!"
"Cabin Boy!" Captain Nelson cried, "Go down below and fetch me out my RED fighting jacket."
The cabin boy fetched the RED fighting jacket.
"Why Captain Nelson do you wear your RED fighting jacket?"
"So if I get hit and blood spreads the men will not notice and will see me still full of enery and they will fight on and win."
Captain Nelson did get shot in the eye and blood spattered everywhere but the men did not notice the blood and fought on and defeated the Spanish galleons.

Nelson was soon back to sea again in the Battle of Santa Cruz de Tenerife and again there came a cry from the crows nest.
"Vice-Admiral Nelson, Vice-Admiral Nelson, There are ten Spanish galleons to the North of us and ten Spanish galleons to the West of us!"
"Cabin Boy!" Admiral Nelson cried, "Go down below and fetch me out my RED fighting jacket."
"Ah, you wear that so that so if the men see you get wounded they will not become concerned but will battle on with undaunted courage - right!"
"You got it." said Admiral Nelson.
During the battle Admiral Nelson got his arm blown off, but the men were unconcerned and fought on bravely and managed to escape.

Vice-Admiral Sir Horatio Nelson then got into a scrap with the French in the Battle for the Nile. There seemed to be Frenchies everywhere. "Cabin Boy!" Admiral Nelson cried, "Go down below and fetch me out my RED fighting jacket." This time every sailor aboard wore RED. Nelson got his leg blown off, but the men, courageous as ever fought on bravely.

"Sacre bleu, look at those RED devils there," said the French, "they have too much energy for us, lets 'battre and retraite' out of here." And so, Nelson won the day.

And so came the Battle of Trafalgar where Lord High Admiral Nelson was in the HMS Victory at last. He gave the famous sign that 'England expects every man to do his duty'. A voice from the crows nest cried out, "Lord High Admiral Nelson, there are one hundred Spanish galleons to the North, one hundred Spanish galleons to the West, one hundred Spanish galleons to the South and one hundred Spanish galleons to the East!"

"Cabin Boy, go down below and fetch me out my brown and yellow striped trousers!"

 

[littlenails]

How the coach got an extension to his contract


In the beginning the Coach had a plan.

And then came the assumptions.

And the assumptions were without form.

And the plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Players.

And the Players spoke amongst themselves, saying, "This guy is a crock of s**t, and he stinketh."

And the Players went unto their Captain and said, a bit more diplomatically, "The Coach is like a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Captain went unto their Assistant Coach, saying, "The Coach is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide."

And the Assistant Coach went unto their Football Manager, saying, "The Coach is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide the strength."

And the Football Manager spoke amongst his staff saying, "The Coach has skills which aid growth, and are very strong."

And the Football Manager went unto the General Manager, saying, "The Coach promotes growth, and has very powerful skills."

And the General Manager went to the Directors, saying, "This new Coach will actively promote the growth and vigor of the team with very powerful effects."

And the Directors looked upon the Coach and saw that he was good, And the Coach was given an extended contract.

And that my friends, is how "s**t Happens".

 

[littlenails]

Oakley and his dog


He is presently CEO of the Victorian Rugby Union and was appointed CEO of the new the Melbourne Rebels rugby union franchise in September 2010.

Ross Oakley played with the St Kilda Football Club in 1962. He played in 62 games that were cut short by knee injuries that also kept him out of grand final appearances. He retired at the age of 24.

He became Chairman and CEO of the VFL in 1986.His previous career included management of insurance companies (e.g.AAMI), and he was chief executive of Royal Insurance. Oakley was deeply involved in the proposed 1989 Fitzroy–Footscray merger Oakley said that it was either merging or extinction and promised $2.7 million to the clubs should the merger be successful.


Footscray fans were incensed. Oakley became the focus of contempt and derision, for example car bumper stickers were created with "Up yours Oakley" prominantly displayed. The Footscray Fightback raised enough money and the merger was averted.


One time when Oakley was travelling down Whitehall Street Footscray his car broke down. He had his small dog with him and went into the nearest pub to make a telephone call for a mechanic.


The bartender said, "What are you doing coming in here with that pig?"

Oakley repled, "This is not a pig its a dog!"

The bartender came back, "Who's talking to you, I was talking to the dog."

 

[Sharkey66]

Keep them coming mate, loving the daily dose

 

[maddog37]

Enjoyable thread. 4 stars.

 

[Oor Wally]

Pruden, Bonti and Ablett went fishing down to the river. After 1/2 hr of fishing Bonti says" I have to go to the toilet". "Not here" says Prude "go on the other side" So Bonti gets up and walks on the water to the other side. Prude ignored him and kept fishing Ablett was astounded 'How in the hell did he do that' he thought. Another hour passed and the Prude too went across the water To the toilet. Now Ablett was flabbergasted, He thought "One has a bloody" Temple
And the other a Church bugger them I'm the son of god if these two w***ers can do it, I certainly can So Ablett gets up takes two steps and goes straight down. Prude says to Bonts "Didn't you tell him where the stepping stones are"

 

[littlenails]

Giving 110% in sports


You often see in the AFL where the coach demands 100% or even 110% effort from his players. Many would argue that by definition that you can't give more than 100%, when you give the most you can give that's 100%.

Economist Stephen Shmanske has a paper in the Journal of Quantitative Analysis in Sports that defines what counts as 100% effort. Let's say "100%" is the maximum amount of effort that can be consistently sustained. With this benchmark, it's obviously possible to give less than 100%. But it's also possible to give more. All you have to do is put forth an effort that can only be sustained inconsistently, for short periods of time. In other words, you're overclocking.

Its evident in the AFL that players pull greater-than-100-percent off relatively frequently, putting forth more effort in short bursts than they can keep up over a longer period. And giving greater than 100% can reduce their ability to subsequently and consistently give 100%. They overdraw their account, and have nothing left.

Call it exaggerated or foolish talk, nonsense, deceitful or pretentious talk, eloquent and insincere rhetoric, bull, crap, drivel, gibberish, guff, nonsense, rubbish, baloney, bunkum, flim-flam, hokus-pokus, spin, malarkey or poppycock - BULLSHIT runs the world. Using the scientific percentages approach proves this.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

and

H-A-R-D W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's Bullshit that will get you further in life.

But, look how far you can go!

A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 131%

Arse Kissing that will put you over the top.

 

[Next Waiting]

Giving 110% in sports


You often see in the AFL where the coach demands 100% or even 110% effort from his players. Many would argue that by definition that you can't give more than 100%, when you give the most you can give that's 100%.

Economist Stephen Shmanske has a paper in the Journal of Quantitative Analysis in Sports that defines what counts as 100% effort. Let's say "100%" is the maximum amount of effort that can be consistently sustained. With this benchmark, it's obviously possible to give less than 100%. But it's also possible to give more. All you have to do is put forth an effort that can only be sustained inconsistently, for short periods of time. In other words, you're overclocking.

Its evident in the AFL that players pull greater-than-100-percent off relatively frequently, putting forth more effort in short bursts than they can keep up over a longer period. And giving greater than 100% can reduce their ability to subsequently and consistently give 100%. They overdraw their account, and have nothing left.

Call it exaggerated or foolish talk, nonsense, deceitful or pretentious talk, eloquent and insincere rhetoric, bull, crap, drivel, gibberish, guff, nonsense, rubbish, baloney, bunkum, flim-flam, hokus-pokus, spin, malarkey or poppycock - BULLSHIT runs the world. Using the scientific percentages approach proves this.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

and

H-A-R-D W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's Bullshit that will get you further in life.

But, look how far you can go!

A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 131%

Arse Kissing that will put you over the top.

Laziness (resulting in others having to do the work to cover you, 104), Bullshit and Arsekissing looks to be the holy trinity.

 

[littlenails]

Daniel and His Giraffe


Daniel Southern was born on 1 January 1975 and from a family splintered by divorce, he turned to alcohol and dropped out of school at age 15. His desire to become an AFL footballer was ultimately a saving grace, as he turned his fortunes around to eventually be drafted from Claremont with pick 92 to the Bulldogs in 1992.

He played 24 games in his debut season in 1994 and polled 12 Brownlow Medal votes in six of those games. At age 25 Southern brought up his 100th game for the club in 2000 before yet another knee injury forced him to retire.

He had a career highlight of 23 disposals versus Sydney in 1994 and in kicked 3 Goals against Essendon in April 2000.

At a height of 188 cms and weight of 91kgs Danny was one of the toughest and meanest looking guys in football and was a visible deterrant to other teams should they want to rough up our boys. One day the West Coasters didn't take the threat too seriously and decided to melee against our boys. Danny grabbed Peter Sumich around the neck with a choker hold. Maybe the stark memory of that near-death experience convinced Sumich that he should withdraw his application for the recent coaching position.


Danny began studying eco-tourism and travelled the globe ending up in Cairo in 2004 to work as a tour leader and then ground manager for Intrepid Travel.

In between those years he spent some time in Kenya and had a pet giraffe. Most Kenyans have a pet giraffe and they take them out for walks on a leash much like you would walk a dog. Although Danny didn't drink alcohol, he was partial to a pub squash soda or a refreshing orange-aide, and he being the non-conformist that he was would take the giraffe into the pub whenever he wanted a drink.


There were clearly signs outside the pub - NO GIRAFFES ALLOWED INTO THESE PREMISES - but Danny took his giraffe in anyway. That caused huge problems as giraffes are just huge animals, they would swing their necks around and knock the lights out, it took them for ever to get through a doorway. Most people who went to the pub left their giraffes at home. But not Danny, he was forever the smartie alec, giving a bit of back chat to get out of problems.


Danny was a popular and great guy but the publicans eventually got fed up and banned him for three months. After the 3 months was up Danny once again brought his giraffe into the pub. The bartender wasn't there so Danny got his pet giraffe to hide next to the bar, with his head down. The bar tender came out. Spotted Danny, immediately spotted the giraffe.


"What!", said the bar tender as he pointed over the bar to the giraffe, "What is that lying down there."


Danny replied very calmly, "That is not a lion down there, it is a giraffe."

 

[littlenails]

The Prince Imperials


Napoléon Eugène Louis Jean Joseph Bonaparte known as The Prince Imperial was the only child of Emperor Napoleon III of France . In 1870, he relocated with his family to England and on his father's death in January 1873, he was proclaimed Napoleon IV, Emperor of the French by the Bonapartist faction.


In England he trained as a soldier. Keen to see action, he successfully put pressure on the British to allow him to participate in the Anglo-Zulu war. In 1879, serving with British forces, he was killed in a skirmish with a group of Zulus. His early death sent shockwaves throughout Europe, as he was the last serious dynastic hope for the restoration of the Bonapartesto the throne of France.


Louis Napoleon's death caused an international sensation. Rumours spread in France that the prince had been intentionally "disposed of" by the British. Alternatively, the French republicans or the Freemasons were blamed. In one account Queen Victoria was accused of arranging the whole thing. The Zulus later claimed that they would not have killed him if they had known who he was.


Footscray residents were also saddened by the news and in about 1879 Charlie Lovett and others decided to call their new Australian Rules Football Team - 'The Prince Imperials' - after the brave Bonaparte. In 1883 the club was renamed Footscray and in 1886 was admitted to the Victorian Football Association.

 

[littlenails]

The Hardships of young Harold


Some of the very first members of the Prince Imperials were Charlie Lovett, who was captain, his younger brother Harold and James Cuming, those guys being relatively well off. Membership to the club was two shillings and sixpence per year and to make up the funds there were several patrons who paid a guinea.


Matches were played on the vacant land in Hyde Street that is opposite the present Footscray Police Station. Games were played with twenty players each side divided into two halves of one hour each. No boundary lines. The two teams would toss for the end to kick to, pity the poor team that picked to kick with the wind and it changed part way through their half. The team that lost the toss would kick off from the centre, the forwards would line up behind the centre and run to positions once the ball was kicked.


Rules in those days permitted pushing in the back and poor Charlie Lovett's younger brother Harold was pushed in the back while they were playing Williamstown Battery United. He careened into a 3-cornered post and suffered a split head. A wound that eventually caused his death 5 years later.


Harold was a follower, athletic, very capable, a good kick and very fast. Previously when he was only sixteen he had won a ten pound prize in a match against North Geelong. Ten pounds was an enormous amount of money in those days, especially for a young man who had suffered many hardships in his life due to being injury prone.


"Ten pounds," thinks Harold, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent and walks in, "Which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk.


"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds."


"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.


"Well you'll never believe it, I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."


"Yippee I'll take it!"


A few days later he arrives at the wharf on the Saltwater River (later renamed the Maribrynong), and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking steel-clad, steam-powered, ocean-going paddleship he has ever seen.


He goes on board and the steward takes him to his cabin. First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.


Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th class, down past the card rooms, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the steward opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.


"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed Harold, "A room of my very own."


"I'm glad you like it," replies the steward, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."


Well the cruise began, and Harold had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...


Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, he decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...


... and what a dive...!


Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - had grown rather fond of young Harold - and was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"


"Um, well I've never actually dived before."


"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks Harold practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.


Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "Okay," agreed Harold.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided Harold with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.


"Well, Harold," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And Harold began to climb...

up and up...

below him the ship grew smaller...

on and on...

past a solitary albatross...

and still higher...

till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

and on still further...

till the ocean grew dim...

and the earth itself...

began to shrink...

past our moon...

and on...

and Mars...

and on...

higher, and higher...

until at last he reached the board.


On the diving board was a large red flag. He waves it and through their hired telescopes the crowd could see him waving, he was set to jump.


He jumped. Slowly at first, but speeding up, faster, and faster, speeding past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance. hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet. Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,


"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

Harold streaked down towards the pool on the deck, did a last triple flip, and landed...


NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!


Into the sea bed, making a 37' deep shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggled out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.


Up and up, desperate, gasping... Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.


"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"


And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. "Well Harold, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen."

Harold blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it?"


And Harold looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see, I'm a just a little bit injury prone so you must understand... I've been through many a hard ship in my life."

 

[littlenails]

The North Melbourne Crutchy Push Invasion at Western Oval

In the early years of Melbourne the area just north of Victoria Street and west of Royal Parade was known as West Melbourne. It boasted a cattle yard and a mental hospital. Over the ensuing years the hospital moved to Royal Park and the cattle yard developed into abbotoirs. The area was renamed Hotham after the Governor of Victoria. An AFL football club sprung up that was to be one of the very first in Australia and one of the very first sporting clubs in the world.

In 1888 the club became the North Melbourne Football Club after Hotham municipality changed its name to North Melbourne in order to cash in on the reputation Melbourne had gained throughout the world.

At around the year 1900 Melbourne street-gangs were known as pushes. Crutchy Push from North Melbourne, as with the Salt Lake Bruisers would often clash with the Coffins and Woolpacks pushes of Carlton. To qualify as a member of the Crutchy Push you had to have a missing limb, a thirst for drink and a fighting attitude. The North Melbourne ‘Crutchies’ made their living by demanding drink, food and money, from pubs, shops and private homes alike. Their stock-in-trade was pick-pocketing and extortion. The crutch was used for not only mobility but also as a potentially deadly weapon when fighting pushes from neighboring suburbs.

The Crutchy Push with few exceptions, consisted of one-legged men. One exception was a one-armed man who kept half a brick in his sewn up empty sleeve. He led his followers into battle swinging the weighted sleeve around his head. Behind him came the men on crutches – each one expert at balancing on one leg. The tip of the crutch was used to jab an opponent in the midriff. With the enemy gasping for breath the crutch would be reversed and the metal-shod arm rest would be used as a club.

At one game played between Footscray and North Melbourne at the Western Reserve, on 26 August 1899 the supporters were worked up to the highest point of excitement by the game with Footscray slightly in front at half time. When the Footscray players and umpire came off at half time The ‘North Melbourne ladies’ drove hatpins into their arms and legs as they passed to the dressing room and they were also attacked by members of the Crutchy Push.

About 200 members of the Crutchy Push, wearing bell-toppers with blue and white streamers, then scaled the fence. They marched around the asphalt bicycle track, that then surrounded the ground, hurling crude and obscene insults and swiping their crutches at anybody who appeared to support Footscray.

Valentine Keating, the leader was there and also his brother, mother and sister. Keating became leader after his brother-in-law murdered the former captain by beating in his skull with a piece of road metal.

A special police task force of the ten burliest policemen in Victoria called ‘The Terrible Ten’ and issued with lengths of hose went out to beat the push into submission. Keating's girlfriend Harriett Adderley, and fellow Crutchy members John Collins and William Walters, attacked Senior Constable Mulcahey. Keating said, “I always did as I liked in North Melbourne and I will show you that I’ll bloody well do so too. I’ll knock your bloody brains out you bugger.” After dragging the officer to the ground, Keating called on Collins to “Crutch the bugger!” “Righto Val,” said Collins and cracked the constable over the head with the metal arm-piece of his crutch. In addition Harriett Adderley kicked him in the face several times. Mulcahey later complained in court that he was still picking pieces of skull from his fractured head. James Walsh, a Carlton man beat George Hill, one of the Crutchy Push, to death

The crowd stormed the ground but the push were getting the upper hand. Keating’s mother saved the day when she grabbed a chair from the boundary line and knocked out her son with a mistimed attempt to smash the chair over constable McSweeney's head. The Crutchies were eventually ejected by police who threw them over the fence. Some tried to reenter but Footscray gatekeeper A. Lay had a successful but bloody battle to keep them out.

 

[littlenails]

Gustav wins the Albert Einstein Award

One of our club doctors from around 1960's was Gustav Nossal, an immigrant and refugee from war-torn Austria. He was also a biologist. His research is in fundamental immunology, in the field of "antibody formation and immunological tolerance".

He has been:
Footscray Football Club Doctor (his favourite club);
Director of Walter and Eliza Hall Institute of Medical Research;
Professor of Medical Biology at the University of Melbourne;
President of the International Union of Immunological Societies;
President of the Australian Academy of Science;
Member of the Prime Minister's Science, Engineering and Innovation Council;
Chairman of the Victorian Health Promotion Foundation.
Chairman of the committee overseeing the World Health Organization's Vaccines and Biologicals Program;
Chairman of the Strategic Advisory Council of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Children's Vaccine Program;
Deputy Chairman of the Council for Aboriginal Reconciliation;
Chairman of the Advisory Committee of the Global Foundation;
Member of the Patrons Council of the Epilepsy Foundation of Victoria; and
Member of the Advisory Board of the Health Impact Fund.

In 1990 he was awarded the Albert Einstein World Award of Science for his discovery of how the cells of the body make antibodies, the protective proteins found in the bloodstream after infection or vaccination, which prevent re-infection with the same organism.

Gustav received many other awards including being knighted (so I suppose we should call him Sir Gustav) and being voted as one of Australia's living treasures.

One day, I think it was Ted Whitten, was running around the boundary and came across two tennis balls. He just picked them up and put them in his shorts pocket. Afterwards it was just a quick check up with Sir Gustav.

"What have you got in your shorts there Mr Whitten?" asked Sir Gustav.

"Tennis balls!" Ted replied.

"Ooooh that must be very painful", said Sir Gustav, "I had tennis elbow once and it hurt like crazy!"

 

[littlenails]

Brad and Mick don't like one another

Ian "Bluey" Hampshire, resigned as coach of Footscray just 11 weeks before the opening round of 1984. The then Bulldogs general manager Shane O'Sullivan (ex-Richmond player) acted swiftly and had Malthouse up and coaching by January 16, 1984.
Malthouse, aged 30, was secretly sounded out by O'Sullivan months earlier; he had earlier applied to coach Central District in the SANFL but lost out to St Kilda's legend Kevin "Cowboy" Neale.

Malthouse said that he was going to recruit some good players and change the whole culture of the club. Doug Hawkins was on the brink of leaving to go to Essendon but Malthouse turned him around. He got them hating the opposition, hating everybody, to play like junkyard dogs; really desperate. The whole club changed. He straightened Hawkins up, Mick just wouldn't take any of Doug's crap.

Malthouse made the hard decisions, dropping skipper and renowned hardman Jim Edmond to the reserves. Dropping champion forward Simon Beasley on rainy days.

Then there was Brad Hardie. Hardie played under Malthouse at the Bulldogs for two seasons, winning the Brownlow Medal in 1985 and winning the club champion award in 1986, as well as being named a temporary captain that year

He played in the state games in 1986 and won a Simpson and a second Tassie medal. Hardie was a very much loved player by the fans. It seemed as though he loved it at the Bulldogs and we loved having him there. He always thrilled us and was often unpassable in the back pocket where he often ran the ball out and delivered to the forward zone. He always wore a long-sleeved jumper to hide the horrible burn scars to his arms that he suffered as a teenager back in Perth.

Dougie loved the fine life outside of football. He was a club hero, admired by all of the kids who came to watch him train. Doug could take the harsh criticism that Malthouse knew very well how to dish out. And he dished out a lot of it.

One day Doug stayed a little too long enjoying the fine life and was late for training. Just entering the ground from the players' race Malthouse spotted him. He let rip - "You're 'effen late, you 'effen drunk, you will never be any good and your father is a drunk and he will never be any good." Further expletives were communicated. Brad Hardie was nearby, so too were several young fans.

Hardie grabbed Malthouse by his shirt just under his neck and bailed him up against the race. "Dougie is a hero of this club and to abuse him the way that you did in front of all these little kids is a disgrace, wake up to yourself you idiot." And so, the troubles began.

Malthouse pulled Hardie from the field on many occasions and blamed him publicly for the 1985 final loss against Hawthorn when Leigh Matthews kicked goals to win the game in the last quarter. When Hardie was dragged in the 1986 round 21 loss to Carlton he showed his disdain by removing his jumper and waving it at the coaches' box. In 1987 the much loved Brad Hardie transferred to Brisbane but the animosity between the two kept on.

Who was to fault in the end. Malthouse was trying under great pressure to get a team to win a grand final, he had to do it the hard way, he had few resources, he had to be firm and ruthless and sometimes brutal. He made some mistakes, but yes, s**t happens. Brad Hardie was trying to be a decent man, look after the club's interests and those of young fans, he did what he thought was right, and many would do the same. Dougie, well he had been insulted before, water off a duck's back really, but please note that Dougie always gets into the trench with Brad Hardie when the flack flies around.