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Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter side-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphyo_O

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a mir….

Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

“Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!";)
 
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club.
He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.:confused:
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. “@#$% hang about” !!!!
 
A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?"

The kid says, "A f***ing swing for the backyard".

Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?"

The kid says, "A f***ing sandbox for the side yard."

Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?"

The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a f***ing trampoline in the front yard."

Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swing, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune."

Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head.

His father says, "What's wrong, son?"

The kid says, "Santa brought me a f***ing dog, but I can't find him."
 

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I was delivering a lecture on Philosophy at the University.
"By the year 2100, religion will disappear from the civilised world," I said to the students.
A Muslim bloke stood up.
"But professor, currently Islam is spreading and will increase even more by then," he said.
"Abdul," I said, "I was talking about the civilised world."o_O
 
> Please enter password
>
> - potato
>
> I'm sorry, the password must contain at least 8 digits.
>
> - boiled potato
>
> I'm sorry, the password must not have any gaps.
>
> - boiledpotato
>
> I'm sorry, the password must contain a number.
>
> - 1boiled*******potato
>
> I'm sorry, the password must contain at least 1 capital letter.
>
> - 50boiled*******potatos
>
> I' m sorry, the password must not contain succeeding capital letters.
>
> - 50boiled*******PotatosThatIwillShoveUpYourAss!!!!....
>
> I'm sorry, the password must not contain punctuation marks.
>
> - 50boiled*******PotatosThatIwillShoveUpYourAssIfYouDontAcceptThisYouMother*er
>
> I'm sorry, this password is already being used.
>
> MERRY CHRISTMAS
 
A professor is giving a lecture on the evils of alcohol. To make his point, he has two glasses on his desk. He fills the first glass with water, and the second with whiskey. He then places a live worm into each glass. The audience watches intently to see what happens next: the worm in the water is swimming around happily, while the worm in the whiskey shrivels up and dies.

The professor then says, "Well ladies and gentlemen - what's the moral of the story?"

After a few seconds, some clown at the back of the room says, "If you're having trouble with worms, drink whiskey."
 
After years of pain while having sex the last few times have been painless. Or maybe I've just become used to the pepper spray.
 
As all cricket fans would know, Don Bradman's 1930 tour of England was perhaps the most dominant tour by any player. One of the main reasons why he got to be on the plane to England was his 340 not out for NSW against Victoria. NSW won the match by an innings with a day to spare, and after the match, reporters spoke to one of the devastated Victorian bowlers. One asked, "What's it like, bowling to Don Bradman?"

The man clearly had a sense of humour: he said, "Oh mate - it's murder: the only way to get him out consistently is by pitching the ball outside leg stump, and clipping the off bail. But you know - I could have had him for 280, but the man in the twead coat in the grandstand dropped him!!!"
 
Bob: You know, I just found out that Carl, the attendant at the gas station was a former pr0n star.

Steve: Well that explains it then.

Bob: Explains what?

Steve: Why he always pulls the nozzle out and sprays the windscreen when the tank's almost full.
 
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day..
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', Says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
NTTAWWT! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians Can come into our precious land.'
NTTAWWT! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says,
'Fill the f*cker with water.'
 
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An Afro-American, a Latino American and a white American are the only people on a bus. A lantern rolls down the aisle and the three wrestle to rub it. No-one can tell who succeeds. A genie appears.
"I will grant each of you one wish", he says.
The Afro-American says, "My people were enslaved and taken from their happy homes in Africa. I want them all returned to Africa.
"NTTAWWT" it happens.
The Latino says, "My people had to enter the US illegally because our home country was a shithole. Make Mexico a better country and send us all back."
"NTTAWWT" it happens.
The white American says, "Just clear this up for me, all the blacks and Hispanics have left America?"
"Yes" says the genie.
"In that case I'll have a coke."
 
A woman gets up, puts up the shades, takes the cover off her parrot's cage, makes coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shades, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth says: "Well that was a short feckin' day!"
 

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"Doc, I've got this problem" the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job.

She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day, she really works me over"

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac" the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunchtime and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep". "I still don't know what your problem is" said the doctor.

"Well, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells..."
 
Two moderators (husband and wife) are sitting in front of their computers.
The wife says "I could use a bowl of vanilla ice cream with chocolate and nuts on it."
The husband says, "Well we don't have any."
The wife says, "I want some vanilla ice cream with chocolate and nuts on it."
The husband says, "I said we don't have any."
The wife says "Well go get some, and write it down, vanilla ice cream with chocolate and nuts."
The husband says, "I don't need to write it down, vanilla ice cream with chocolate and nuts." and stomps out.
A half hour later he comes back and hands her a ham sandwich.
She opens the sandwich and says, "I told you to write it down!! I wanted mustard on mine.
 
A business man is going away for a business trip and is afraid that his young beautiful wife will stray.......He goes into a sex shop hoping to buy a toy that will keep her occupied until he returns and after explaining his situation to the lady behind the till she shows him the shops best toy.

'This is a magic dildo' she says 'all you have to do is say 'magic dildo' followed by the name of what you want it to pleasure'

Not surprisingly the man does not believe this far-fetched claim and asks for a demonstration, so the assistant says 'magic dildo, the door knob' and sure enough the magic dildo proceeds to pleasures the door knob.

'Now' she interrupted' to stop it you say 'magic dildo, Oklahoma' or give it a new command to pleasure something else.

Satisfied with the product the man makes the purchase and goes home to his wife, he explains to her the ins and outs of the new toy and sets off on his trip, safe in the knowledge that his wife will not stray.

His wife, back at home and not long after he has left begins to feel horny and says 'magic dildo, my vagina'

The dildo gets to work quickly and she has orgasm after orgasm until she can take no more.

Suddenly she realises she cannot remember the command to stop the dildo and is stuck for hours getting more and more exhausted, until she decides that she has no choice but to drive to the hospital.

She is driving to the hospital and swerving all over the road as she has orgasm after orgasm, struggling to control the car. It's not long until she is spotted by a policeman, who naturally assumes she is a drunk driver.

He pulls her over and she winds down her window to talk to him as he approaches.

He asks her to exit the car as he suspects she is drunk, but she protests, stating that she cannot move, she can barely feel her legs anymore.

'Exit the car please ma'am so We can do a sobriety test' the policeman demands getting short on patience.

'I can't!' Exclaimed the driver 'I have a magic dildo working its magic on me and I can't remember the command to stop it'

'Ha!' The police laughs 'magic dildo, my arse
 
My Dream of a Perfect Day

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast - steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot.
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Couple of ice-cold beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet - finest Scotch served in Baccarat crystal sniffer while receiving blow job from green-eyed redhead with huge ****
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch -steak and lobster, couple of ice-cold beers and bottle of Dom Peringon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)-on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle Macpherson
6:45 s**t, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news - Chad Winguard assassinated
7:30 Dinner - lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of ****
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ice-cold beer
11:30 Night-cap - blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh myself to sleep...
 
You Know It's Hot In Australia When!

1) The best parking spot is determined by shade not distance
2) Hot water comes out of both taps
3) You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron
4) The temperature drops below 32c and you feel chilly
5) You discover that in January and February it only takes two fingers to steer a car
6) You discover you can get sunburnt through your windscreen
7) You develop a fear of metal door handles
8) You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7am
9) Your biggest bicycle accident fear is "What if i get knocked out and end up lying on the road and getting cooked"
10) You realise asphalt has a liquid state
11) Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying hard boiled eggs
12) The trees are whistling for dogs
13) While walking back barefoot to your car from any event, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark
14) You catch a cold from having the aircon on full blast all night long
15) You learn that Westfield Shopping Centre's aren't just Shopping Centre's, they are temples to worship Air-Conditioning
16) Sticking your head in the freezer and taking deep breaths is considered normal
17) A cup full of ice is considered a great snack
18) A black out is life threatening because your aircon and your fans no longer work.
19) No one cares if you walk around with no shoes on
20) You keep anything in the fridge, including potatoes, bread and clothing
21) People have enough left over beer cans to make a boat and compete in a regatta. (NT joke)
22) The effort of towelling yourself off after a shower means you need another shower right away.
23) You will wait patiently until the day it starts raining to go on a run.
24) You worry your ceiling fan is spinning so fast it will fly off and kill you
 
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.
Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?
Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'
Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'
The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.
Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'
The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.
The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'
Mark replies: 'Now, tell that *er you have a headache and you're not in mood ...
 
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesy's (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said:

"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.... [ed] no, Poort Paawer supporters were yet to be invented :confused:

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.
I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted;…"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.…Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to far cough..." :)
 
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