Lame Jokes Part 2

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treefingers said:
A waiter walks up to a swedish man at a restaraunt, and asks "are you finished?"
The man replies - "No, I'm swedish".
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2 guys meet at a conference, one of them has "Vladimir" written on his name card.
The other guy asks him "Are you Russian?"
To which Vladimir responds, "No, I just got here".
 
Two married ladies go on holiday to the Caribbean, and meet a muscular black guy...After a week of fantastic 3 some sex, they ask his name. He says my name's Snow...The ladies start laughing, he asks what so funny?...Their reply..."Our husbands will never believe ,we had 10 inches of bloody snow in the Caribbean
 

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Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
 
Tom in deep thoughts is very quiet. Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"
"Please don't ask."
"I'm your best friend. You can talk to me."
"I'm in deep trouble, my seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
"That's not possible."
"No, he did."
"How?"
"He punctured my condoms!
 
Two fish are in a tank.
One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
 
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the 4 gentlemen have a really bad view so he stand up on a large wooden box and calls out "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Si"
"Ja"
 
A smart arse London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense.
The Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
The London lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye did nae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still did nae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye have ta come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!"
London lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living s**t out of the lawyer. He then asks, "Da ye want me to stop, or just slow down?"
 
A man goes to a public golf course.
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says,
"The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of our caddies are out on the course. But - we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.”

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.":)
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. And this was the way the rest of the game went - The robot's suggestions were always correct and the man's entire game was the best game he had ever played.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said,
"I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? o_OWho in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of them didn't show up for work, two of them applied for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop and the other one thinks he's the President!”
 
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
"Ooooooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set; produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks???" says Paddyo_O
 

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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know s**t?"
 
RAPPA said:
The 7 dwarfs were all sitting in a bath and they all felt happy, so happy ran away
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Similar one, at the party everyone was feeling Happy. Happy was lying on the couch with his pants down.

A few revellers were jumping for Joy. Joy was hanging naked from the chandelier.

There's more but I can't remember the rest.

Something about feeling tipsy, I dunno.
 
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A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The blonde said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
 
A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two,"
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he replied.
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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on,together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...

Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.;)

"Thank God for that ! - I thought you were sitting on the cat!"
 
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