Health Depression

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Here's a terrible analogy for you all. Or a metaphor. I don't know. Rose Kennedy once said, 'time heals all wounds - I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.' Of course, I don't try and compare my issues with the awful things she went through, but I believe that depression is a wound. Something happens, and you're changed. You can recover from it but you're left with a scar that's with you for life, and there is always the threat of the cut opening up again and completely engulfing you. Time helps, but in your darkest moments you're reminded of all of the awful things that have happened in your life and it feels like depression is just around the corner.

I thought I was happier, and making more progress, but all it takes is one new, heart wrenching event to bring back old demons. I'm all about the positive outlook, on believing I can change and actively making steps too - but I'm getting tired. Sometimes you can immerse yourselves in life to try and get it all on track again - you can draw, socialise, write or exercise to your hearts content but how do you undo the effects of the past? I know all the cliches, I know that you can't let the past affect your future, but the reality is I'm the person I am today because of the past. I can't just go back and rewind X amount of years of living, and I can't just learn the lessons from mistakes without forgetting the pain.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but it is tiring being intelligent because your mind is always active and thinking. Sometimes I wish I was blessed with naivety - to be happy in my ignorance about everything. It seems a happier existence to just be happy - where the simple things in life bring happiness. A lot of people may think I sound spoilt and ungrateful, and to a degree I really am because I don't understand what hardship is. I have, and will have, nearly everything handed to me on a platter, and that makes me feel worse. I know there are people out there who are in circumstances they can't change, or are barely getting enough food to eat so I hate that I can't be thankful for what I have. Who really takes the complaints of someone with it all seriously? Even I feel ridiculous typing this.

I'm not really sure who I am anymore. It seems so pathetic, because I can't think of anything I'm missing, but I'm just not happy and I can't really remember a time in my life I ever was - except maybe when I was 4. I know the advice from psychologists and from people with more experience than myself is to find something that makes you happy. I know all of that - but what do you do when all the things that gave you pleasure don't anymore? I can try new things - and I do, but what really is the point when everything and everyone makes me feel indifferent? I'm young, I'm only 21, but how do you find this evasive happiness that never really existed? So many rhetorical questions that I know have no real answer.

Everyone goes through experiences that shape them, and they just take it day by day, but my entire psyche is flawed. My upbringing - the way I've been raised - that's just not something that can ever be changed and those lessons I've taken from it won't ever change. If I wanted to be overdramatic, my entire development as a human is just off. I'm cold, and I don't think I'm capable of love. Sometimes I think of it like this. If life is like building a house, you can have problems in the construction and you get through it, just like you face hardships at different stages in your life and you can get through it. That's fine. But what do you do if the whole foundation of the house is off? You can't just rebuild a childhood or learn all of the lessons you were meant to.

Too much thinking for today I think.
 
vonn said:
Here's a terrible analogy for you all. Or a metaphor. I don't know. Rose Kennedy once said, 'time heals all wounds - I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.' Of course, I don't try and compare my issues with the awful things she went through, but I believe that depression is a wound. Something happens, and you're changed. You can recover from it but you're left with a scar that's with you for life, and there is always the threat of the cut opening up again and completely engulfing you. Time helps, but in your darkest moments you're reminded of all of the awful things that have happened in your life and it feels like depression is just around the corner.

I thought I was happier, and making more progress, but all it takes is one new, heart wrenching event to bring back old demons. I'm all about the positive outlook, on believing I can change and actively making steps too - but I'm getting tired. Sometimes you can immerse yourselves in life to try and get it all on track again - you can draw, socialise, write or exercise to your hearts content but how do you undo the effects of the past? I know all the cliches, I know that you can't let the past affect your future, but the reality is I'm the person I am today because of the past. I can't just go back and rewind X amount of years of living, and I can't just learn the lessons from mistakes without forgetting the pain.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but it is tiring being intelligent because your mind is always active and thinking. Sometimes I wish I was blessed with naivety - to be happy in my ignorance about everything. It seems a happier existence to just be happy - where the simple things in life bring happiness. A lot of people may think I sound spoilt and ungrateful, and to a degree I really am because I don't understand what hardship is. I have, and will have, nearly everything handed to me on a platter, and that makes me feel worse. I know there are people out there who are in circumstances they can't change, or are barely getting enough food to eat so I hate that I can't be thankful for what I have. Who really takes the complaints of someone with it all seriously? Even I feel ridiculous typing this.

I'm not really sure who I am anymore. It seems so pathetic, because I can't think of anything I'm missing, but I'm just not happy and I can't really remember a time in my life I ever was - except maybe when I was 4. I know the advice from psychologists and from people with more experience than myself is to find something that makes you happy. I know all of that - but what do you do when all the things that gave you pleasure don't anymore? I can try new things - and I do, but what really is the point when everything and everyone makes me feel indifferent? I'm young, I'm only 21, but how do you find this evasive happiness that never really existed? So many rhetorical questions that I know have no real answer.

Everyone goes through experiences that shape them, and they just take it day by day, but my entire psyche is flawed. My upbringing - the way I've been raised - that's just not something that can ever be changed and those lessons I've taken from it won't ever change. If I wanted to be overdramatic, my entire development as a human is just off. I'm cold, and I don't think I'm capable of love. Sometimes I think of it like this. If life is like building a house, you can have problems in the construction and you get through it, just like you face hardships at different stages in your life and you can get through it. That's fine. But what do you do if the whole foundation of the house is off? You can't just rebuild a childhood or learn all of the lessons you were meant to.

Too much thinking for today I think.
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I liked this post because it reminded me far too much of myself.

But recently, I've been doing a lot better. Like you say, it only takes one heart-wrenching event to bring back all of these demons. But at the same time, it only take one great event to make you feel better about yourself. Whether that be meeting someone new that's amazing, whether that be playing on stage, whether it be finding a new job that you love, or sometimes something as simple as taking a holiday with someone you're close with and experiencing new things, it can only take one thing to give you at the very least a bit of respite from whatever's troubling you.

Personally, sometimes I think too much like it seems you are doing. When that happens, I tend to play a video game, or do some brain teasers or puzzles, or read a book. People try work outs and other things along those lines, those don't work for me (maybe because I'm lazy and out of shape and just make me feel worse). I prefer work outs for the mind because they tend to distract you from your own thoughts, and you can get sucked into a fantasy world in the case of a book/video game, or you can tire your brain out to the point where it can't be bothered thinking about these sort of things.

I know it doesn't mean much, but if you ever want to talk to someone that won't judge you, or just yell at some random guy, my inbox is always open :)
 

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vonn said:
Here's a terrible analogy for you all. Or a metaphor. I don't know. Rose Kennedy once said, 'time heals all wounds - I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.' Of course, I don't try and compare my issues with the awful things she went through, but I believe that depression is a wound. Something happens, and you're changed. You can recover from it but you're left with a scar that's with you for life, and there is always the threat of the cut opening up again and completely engulfing you. Time helps, but in your darkest moments you're reminded of all of the awful things that have happened in your life and it feels like depression is just around the corner.

I thought I was happier, and making more progress, but all it takes is one new, heart wrenching event to bring back old demons. I'm all about the positive outlook, on believing I can change and actively making steps too - but I'm getting tired. Sometimes you can immerse yourselves in life to try and get it all on track again - you can draw, socialise, write or exercise to your hearts content but how do you undo the effects of the past? I know all the cliches, I know that you can't let the past affect your future, but the reality is I'm the person I am today because of the past. I can't just go back and rewind X amount of years of living, and I can't just learn the lessons from mistakes without forgetting the pain.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, but it is tiring being intelligent because your mind is always active and thinking. Sometimes I wish I was blessed with naivety - to be happy in my ignorance about everything. It seems a happier existence to just be happy - where the simple things in life bring happiness. A lot of people may think I sound spoilt and ungrateful, and to a degree I really am because I don't understand what hardship is. I have, and will have, nearly everything handed to me on a platter, and that makes me feel worse. I know there are people out there who are in circumstances they can't change, or are barely getting enough food to eat so I hate that I can't be thankful for what I have. Who really takes the complaints of someone with it all seriously? Even I feel ridiculous typing this.

I'm not really sure who I am anymore. It seems so pathetic, because I can't think of anything I'm missing, but I'm just not happy and I can't really remember a time in my life I ever was - except maybe when I was 4. I know the advice from psychologists and from people with more experience than myself is to find something that makes you happy. I know all of that - but what do you do when all the things that gave you pleasure don't anymore? I can try new things - and I do, but what really is the point when everything and everyone makes me feel indifferent? I'm young, I'm only 21, but how do you find this evasive happiness that never really existed? So many rhetorical questions that I know have no real answer.

Everyone goes through experiences that shape them, and they just take it day by day, but my entire psyche is flawed. My upbringing - the way I've been raised - that's just not something that can ever be changed and those lessons I've taken from it won't ever change. If I wanted to be overdramatic, my entire development as a human is just off. I'm cold, and I don't think I'm capable of love. Sometimes I think of it like this. If life is like building a house, you can have problems in the construction and you get through it, just like you face hardships at different stages in your life and you can get through it. That's fine. But what do you do if the whole foundation of the house is off? You can't just rebuild a childhood or learn all of the lessons you were meant to.

Too much thinking for today I think.
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I agree regarding that you never really move on from depression. That it's something that looms over you, once you have it, and it's something you need to constantly monitor. Or, who knows, maybe I'm just not at that point yet?

But I disagree. I don't think that collides with "time heals all wounds". Because it does, in a sense. It might not stop us from getting hit to rock bottom, but it does help in getting us back up.

It does get tiring though.

I was in a similar situation. I thought I had well and truly put Depression behind me. I've been struggling with anxiety, which is pretty s**t, but I thought, heck, at least I've conquered depression. I had gone through a few tough spots, gotten through it, and thought all was fine.

But yeah, it was pretty much that one moment, when I was back at uni, that things came crumbling down. And all of a sudden, everything just caught up with me. The s**t thing is, not only do I think, this sucks, but I also think, damn I'm tired of going through this.

I don't really have a happy ending to this story, because this story is still being played out. I know, for me, exercising helps a lot. Both times, on Monday when I get back from uni, I feel absolutely s**t, but I force myself to hit the gym, and I definitely walk away feeling a LOT better.

It doesn't rectify the situation, it doesn't really change the underlying crux of the matter, but it provides a temporary solution.

My suggestion to you is, find what's bothering you. Yes, depression is just chemicals in our brain being dickheads, but in my non-professional opinion, there are always underlying reasons. We might not know them yet, but they're deep down inside you, and I think the first plan of action should always be to identify what they are.

What helps me, is that I identify what they are, and I break them down into short, simple, things. So it's easy for me to remember, and easy for me to tell myself.

For example, my goals for this year are; to pass my units this year (which implies me beating my anxiety). To put myself out there more, socially. To put either exercising or healthy eating in my daily regime.

Also, in the past week, these two quotes have sort of been ingrained in me, particularly "Face Your Fear". It might not apply to you, but you get what I mean. Find something that resonates with you, and just remember it, and constantly remind yourself of it.

Also, maybe happiness for you, doesn't come by activity, but moreso goals. What goals do you have? It could be anything. Visit this country. You want to be that occupation.

As for your psyche stuff, it's hard to discuss without anything specific, but I think a lot of it comes down to what it is, and whether it's possible to condition ourselves away from it, or to something else.

I believe we can. It's a slow process, but I believe we can change who we are, if we really want it.

Who's to say childhood upbringing is the be all end all? It is most certainly important, but is it what defines us? Not really. And I'm not even being ******* cliche here.
 
Lately I've found myself feeling really strange at times, where I just get angry or really depressed for no apparent reason. I'm a pretty sociable guy who doesn't usually have any problems talking to new people, in fact I found through high school most people struggled to really take me seriously even when I wasn't joking because I was always laughing and taking the piss.

Anyway, I'm in my second year of uni at the moment and haven't really made any proper mates at Uni, although my group from school is still really tight and we see each other quite often, however recently a lot of my mates have been getting girlfriends and moving out from home while I'm going nowhere. I've been on several dates with girls and they've seemed to go well at the time but nothing's ever come of it subsequently. It's not really done my self confidence any good and I really start to wonder what's not good enough about me.

I'll usually be fine and when I'm at work or with my mates I have a blast, but despite this I'm feeling like I want to see my mates less and less because I suppose I'm ashamed in a way that they're moving out of home/in serious relationships etc. I also tend to really get angry unnecessarily when I catch public transport or get a bad run with traffic lights or something equally as trivial.

I suppose I'm just starting to feel like I'm worthless and not good enough. The only thing I really want to do now is go back into my shell, defer uni and travel alone around Europe, because I know that doing something like that you have a clean slate, nobody knows about your personal life and I can just be myself. It probably doesn't make any sense to want to be alone seeing as I still have great times with others usually and have no issues with interacting but it's just the way I feel at the moment.
 
Borderline said:
Lately I've found myself feeling really strange at times, where I just get angry or really depressed for no apparent reason. I'm a pretty sociable guy who doesn't usually have any problems talking to new people, in fact I found through high school most people struggled to really take me seriously even when I wasn't joking because I was always laughing and taking the piss.

Anyway, I'm in my second year of uni at the moment and haven't really made any proper mates at Uni, although my group from school is still really tight and we see each other quite often, however recently a lot of my mates have been getting girlfriends and moving out from home while I'm going nowhere. I've been on several dates with girls and they've seemed to go well at the time but nothing's ever come of it subsequently. It's not really done my self confidence any good and I really start to wonder what's not good enough about me.

I'll usually be fine and when I'm at work or with my mates I have a blast, but despite this I'm feeling like I want to see my mates less and less because I suppose I'm ashamed in a way that they're moving out of home/in serious relationships etc. I also tend to really get angry unnecessarily when I catch public transport or get a bad run with traffic lights or something equally as trivial.

I suppose I'm just starting to feel like I'm worthless and not good enough. The only thing I really want to do now is go back into my shell, defer uni and travel alone around Europe, because I know that doing something like that you have a clean slate, nobody knows about your personal life and I can just be myself. It probably doesn't make any sense to want to be alone seeing as I still have great times with others usually and have no issues with interacting but it's just the way I feel at the moment.
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Don't judge yourself on what others are doing. Especially if it's getting you down. It's just not a healthy thing to do.
Public transport sucks, anger over that is nothing abnormal :)
Who's to say there is something wrong with you re girls? You just haven't met one you fully click with yet. It's ok to be single. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you.
Twenties are a time of lots of life changes.
I do know that running away for a clean slate and to reinvent yourself doesn't work. I've been there and after the novelty wore off my issues were still there.
Don't be so hard on yourself ok?

Neese
 
I hit a point recently where i actually broke down with a friend while i was having a chat. She was a bit worried about my alcohol use. Ive finally found the will to kick ass again

Recent issues with my long term relationship going down the shitter and weight gain (in 6 years ive gone from 115 to 80. To 96 to 82 back upto 106) from mixing 1.25 litre coke with half a bottle of rum a night and ciders. Getting mcdonalds due to not really wanting to go to the shops and interact ect.

I ended up just drinking myself to just be able to numb myself so i could sleep

I know it sounds weak. But 3 days sober. Longest its been since march last year.

The lack of sleep is killing me. However i have found someone i can talk to openly about what i feel. Which has been a great feeling of release
 
Upgrayedd said:
I hit a point recently where i actually broke down with a friend while i was having a chat. She was a bit worried about my alcohol use. Ive finally found the will to kick ass again

Recent issues with my long term relationship going down the shitter and weight gain (in 6 years ive gone from 115 to 80. To 96 to 82 back upto 106) from mixing 1.25 litre coke with half a bottle of rum a night and ciders. Getting mcdonalds due to not really wanting to go to the shops and interact ect.

I ended up just drinking myself to just be able to numb myself so i could sleep

I know it sounds weak. But 3 days sober. Longest its been since march last year.

The lack of sleep is killing me. However i have found someone i can talk to openly about what i feel. Which has been a great feeling of release
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No it doesn't sound weak at all. That amount of booze is some serious intake Upgrayedd, so 3 days without must be heavy going. You're doing the right thing by addressing your drinking, despite it providing you with some relief (sleep) it is a depressantr drug which plays havoc with mood. It might be helpful to see your doc and get some short-term sleeping meds, and it might be helpful to seek some professional assistance (I don't know much about services in WA though). Hang in there and good luck
 
Upgrayedd said:
I ended up just drinking myself to just be able to numb myself so i could sleep

I know it sounds weak. But 3 days sober. Longest its been since march last year.

The lack of sleep is killing me. However i have found someone i can talk to openly about what i feel. Which has been a great feeling of release
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I found when you are have been drinking a lot regularly for a long time it really messes with your sleep when you stop, should be better in a week and after about a fortnight you will probably sleep the best you have since before you started, so try and hang in there. Or if you are really having trouble and want to make it easier go to a Doctor and get a small script of diazapam, some of them are stingy ****s that really want to give it out (thanks to drugy doctor shoppers :rolleyes:) but just insist on getting it.
 
So I'm rapidly heading into a depressive state again. This time it feels different. I am so much angrier and frustrated with everything and everyone. I snap at so many people at work. I've never been the angry type and I don't like how I am behaving but it is so hard to control it sometimes. I can just stand there for 10 mins just shaking out of pure rage for the smallest of things.

And then I get angry at myself, which just makes it all worse. Angry that I was doing so well in life. I was happy, living life how I wanted. I've been off anti-depressants for two years and I tried not to think that it could all come back. Yet here I am, 2 years later, feeling absolutely terrible.

Work is tough. I work away for two weeks and they are like torture to me now. The days leading up to me flying out have me feeling so ill. I just don't know how I can live through another 14 days, knowing that I can't stay in bed to avoid the world. That I'm expected to be happy and energetic every single day or people get pissed off and then keep pushing your buttons until you snap just so they can get a thrill out of it all. Where sick days are frowned upon because it just meant you couldn't be bothered. So I go to work, do the best that I can and then spend the night at the wet mess because it gives me a little buzz and then I go back to my room and lay there crying myself to sleep.

I've been trying to think how this all snuck up on me so quickly, no warning. Just a 'hey I'm back' What the trigger was. The only thing I can pinpoint is that a new guy started at work and the spiral began. The most negative, over-opinionated, everything you say is wrong kind of guy. He is just a complete drain on me. I don't know if a single person can trigger depression again. I seriously don't. But how do I combat it?

Yes I need help, I admit that I'm in a dark place again and need a hand to get out. But I just can't seem to take that next step. I had a doctors appointment booked a month ago but just couldn't bring myself to go. I'm going to try again next break and see what happens. I have to get through the next 14 days first :(
 

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Scooter#10 said:
So I'm rapidly heading into a depressive state again. This time it feels different. I am so much angrier and frustrated with everything and everyone. I snap at so many people at work. I've never been the angry type and I don't like how I am behaving but it is so hard to control it sometimes. I can just stand there for 10 mins just shaking out of pure rage for the smallest of things.

And then I get angry at myself, which just makes it all worse. Angry that I was doing so well in life. I was happy, living life how I wanted. I've been off anti-depressants for two years and I tried not to think that it could all come back. Yet here I am, 2 years later, feeling absolutely terrible.

Work is tough. I work away for two weeks and they are like torture to me now. The days leading up to me flying out have me feeling so ill. I just don't know how I can live through another 14 days, knowing that I can't stay in bed to avoid the world. That I'm expected to be happy and energetic every single day or people get pissed off and then keep pushing your buttons until you snap just so they can get a thrill out of it all. Where sick days are frowned upon because it just meant you couldn't be bothered. So I go to work, do the best that I can and then spend the night at the wet mess because it gives me a little buzz and then I go back to my room and lay there crying myself to sleep.

I've been trying to think how this all snuck up on me so quickly, no warning. Just a 'hey I'm back' What the trigger was. The only thing I can pinpoint is that a new guy started at work and the spiral began. The most negative, over-opinionated, everything you say is wrong kind of guy. He is just a complete drain on me. I don't know if a single person can trigger depression again. I seriously don't. But how do I combat it?

Yes I need help, I admit that I'm in a dark place again and need a hand to get out. But I just can't seem to take that next step. I had a doctors appointment booked a month ago but just couldn't bring myself to go. I'm going to try again next break and see what happens. I have to get through the next 14 days first :(
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Mate, I'm sorry that it's come back.
This bloke at work is what I call an energy vampire. Negative people have a huge influence on the way I feel and how my day will go.
Over the last couple of years, I've done everything I can to distance myself from those sorts of people. I have lost friendships because of it but if it prevents me from wallowing in depression while having those people in my life then so be it.
My advice, get rid of everything negative in your life. If you are surrounded in a confined work environment by those people, go as far as to distance yourself from them. Pretend your deaf, ignore them, tell them straight out that their negativity annoys the s**t out of you. This is for your own health.
I shut down completely whenever their is negativity around me, people yelling or arguing (even my own family) and I refuse to get involved. It is hard but harder to shake off if you do get caught up in it.
FIFO workers have got it tough, the money may be okay but the lifestyle is the pits. The solitude you have at night must be horrible. I used to travel a lot for work, flying everywhere from Monday morning and getting back Friday night. I hated it, so much that I incessantly looked for another job until I found one.
It isn't easy.
One thing that really helps me, listening to self help audio on my iPod while out walking on my own. Brian Tracy, Tony Robbins, Jack Canfield etc are all a bit wanky but they make you forget about things for a while.
Can't tell you how many times I've listened to The Secret on audiobook
Good luck, you've posted here for a reason and there's plenty of us here to offer some sort of support, albeit anonymously.
Cheers
 
Definitely keep this Doctor's appointment
Try and avoid the jerk bringing you down, I know it sounds easy to say but out of sigh out of mind.
I find I have low tolerance for dickheads these days, I just don't want to deal with them at all
Agree with having something to listen to, audiobooks are great for taking your mind off things. Most public libraries have free audiobooks these days
You've recognised the signs so please don't ignore them

Also who says you have to be happy and energetic every day? You are allowed to have off days. Sounds like you are putting pressure on yourself
 
Scooter#10 said:
So I'm rapidly heading into a depressive state again. This time it feels different. I am so much angrier and frustrated with everything and everyone. I snap at so many people at work. I've never been the angry type and I don't like how I am behaving but it is so hard to control it sometimes. I can just stand there for 10 mins just shaking out of pure rage for the smallest of things.

And then I get angry at myself, which just makes it all worse. Angry that I was doing so well in life. I was happy, living life how I wanted. I've been off anti-depressants for two years and I tried not to think that it could all come back. Yet here I am, 2 years later, feeling absolutely terrible.

Work is tough. I work away for two weeks and they are like torture to me now. The days leading up to me flying out have me feeling so ill. I just don't know how I can live through another 14 days, knowing that I can't stay in bed to avoid the world. That I'm expected to be happy and energetic every single day or people get pissed off and then keep pushing your buttons until you snap just so they can get a thrill out of it all. Where sick days are frowned upon because it just meant you couldn't be bothered. So I go to work, do the best that I can and then spend the night at the wet mess because it gives me a little buzz and then I go back to my room and lay there crying myself to sleep.

I've been trying to think how this all snuck up on me so quickly, no warning. Just a 'hey I'm back' What the trigger was. The only thing I can pinpoint is that a new guy started at work and the spiral began. The most negative, over-opinionated, everything you say is wrong kind of guy. He is just a complete drain on me. I don't know if a single person can trigger depression again. I seriously don't. But how do I combat it?

Yes I need help, I admit that I'm in a dark place again and need a hand to get out. But I just can't seem to take that next step. I had a doctors appointment booked a month ago but just couldn't bring myself to go. I'm going to try again next break and see what happens. I have to get through the next 14 days first :(
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A single person can have a significant influence, not that they're even trying to. I was good for a 3 month period, suddenly one person came back into my life and I went crashing down to one of my lowest points. This person has pretty much been out of my life for a year and a half and not once in that time have I been low.

With the ******** at work, ask some other people what they think of them, if they see them as a ******** too then you can take some pleasure in talking s**t about them, which will make you feel better when you're around said ********.

With the anti-depressants, some people need them, some don't. I've been taking them for nearly 3 years and I'm basically prepared to be on them for the rest of my life. If you need em you need em.

Go to the doctors! Can't emphasize this enough, it's always the hardest part, but once you're there the rest will take care of itself.
 
Rubix WingMan said:
I"m sick of being the one to try and bother to keep the friendships alive. This exists for both new, and current 'friends' who I've know for the past 3-4 years.
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my parents have always had more of a social life then what i have had and one day i asked them how does it happen and there response was that they are the ones making the effort and organising it.

I know how you feel though and you never know one day you might make the effort with the right person and they will let you know how appreciated they are of it.
 
WCErevival said:
Does anyone else get a high period just before they get down period? I've noticed this more lately.
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Romm said:
I actually noticed this as well. I had a long period where I wasn't enjoying anything, and about a month or 2 before I started uni I started to feel quite a bit better. It all came crashing down of course.
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Steady on chaps - let me introduce you to my friend, Bipolar II.

Last time I posted on here I was losing my job and my house and my relationship. All those happened. Now I live alone in a tiny coastal community where I don't know anyone. I have a girlfriend who visits every fortnight and that's the limit of social action.

Still suicidal, still self-harming, still taking poisons (Lithium et al) to try to save myself.

I had a brain haemorrhage in 1997, a cerebral aneurysm. Just google SAH if you wish. I have a 3mm clip of magnetized titanium in my brain holding one of my arteries together - and the research is only just starting to indicate that people recovering from a SAH have higher incidences of poor mental health.

My biological mother has schizophrenia, my brother committed suicide in 2008 by taking a power saw to his heart, my uncle ate a shottie in 94, my grandfather hung himself.

Yeah, I don't think there's much point to keep taking tablets that sorta maybe work and sorta don't. My risk categories are pretty high. So, in consultation with my long time psych, I'm halving my lithium dose, due to the terrible side effects I've begun to develop - incontinence, anorexia and left side muscle tremors.

All I try to do is get through until tomorrow. I sit and think and read and that's my day. What a wonderfully useful member of society I am!
 
Sausages said:
Steady on chaps - let me introduce you to my friend, Bipolar II.

Last time I posted on here I was losing my job and my house and my relationship. All those happened. Now I live alone in a tiny coastal community where I don't know anyone. I have a girlfriend who visits every fortnight and that's the limit of social action.

Still suicidal, still self-harming, still taking poisons (Lithium et al) to try to save myself.

I had a brain haemorrhage in 1997, a cerebral aneurysm. Just google SAH if you wish. I have a 3mm clip of magnetized titanium in my brain holding one of my arteries together - and the research is only just starting to indicate that people recovering from a SAH have higher incidences of poor mental health.

My biological mother has schizophrenia, my brother committed suicide in 2008 by taking a power saw to his heart, my uncle ate a shottie in 94, my grandfather hung himself.

Yeah, I don't think there's much point to keep taking tablets that sorta maybe work and sorta don't. My risk categories are pretty high. So, in consultation with my long time psych, I'm halving my lithium dose, due to the terrible side effects I've begun to develop - incontinence, anorexia and left side muscle tremors.

All I try to do is get through until tomorrow. I sit and think and read and that's my day. What a wonderfully useful member of society I am!
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Man, that is deep. Not sure what to say other than just hang in there. As for being a useful member of society, it's something that not many people truely are. Everyone (for the most) is in it for themselves, to increase their wealth to increase their social standing, to have people be envious of them. That's not a society that I want to try and be of value too. Really contributing is something entirely different.

Look into connecting with others that have the same problems as you, exchange emails (I find that easier) and keep up the reading. Maybe grab a book written about your diagnosis, check out some journals and read up on some psychology texts. I'm studying psych and find it somewhat cathartic to read texts that I feel relate to myself, it's like you remove yourself from your own body and if you understand certain aspects of why you're feeling the way you do it can help. You don't have to know how to fix it (I mean it'd be easy if we could) but it's somewhat empowering to people to be able to diagnose it, like a mechanic you can diagnose an issue with a motor.

Hope you find what you're looking for dude, there's a lot of good people on this site and I'm sure many of them (myself included) have their own dark minds.
 
craigos said:
Man, that is deep. Not sure what to say other than just hang in there. As for being a useful member of society, it's something that not many people truely are. Everyone (for the most) is in it for themselves, to increase their wealth to increase their social standing, to have people be envious of them. That's not a society that I want to try and be of value too. Really contributing is something entirely different.

Look into connecting with others that have the same problems as you, exchange emails (I find that easier) and keep up the reading. Maybe grab a book written about your diagnosis, check out some journals and read up on some psychology texts. I'm studying psych and find it somewhat cathartic to read texts that I feel relate to myself, it's like you remove yourself from your own body and if you understand certain aspects of why you're feeling the way you do it can help. You don't have to know how to fix it (I mean it'd be easy if we could) but it's somewhat empowering to people to be able to diagnose it, like a mechanic you can diagnose an issue with a motor.

Hope you find what you're looking for dude, there's a lot of good people on this site and I'm sure many of them (myself included) have their own dark minds.
Click to expand...

Thanks mate :)

And I re-read numerous times what I had written - whilst it is all truth, seeing the stark reality of a 20-odd year summary of mental health was most confronting. And those thoughts above sharply remind me of how bloody fortunate I am in so many ways - even sitting here in the quiet, sated by a night of wine, sex, food and sleep with my girl and being able to use the interwebz....more than 50% of this planets' population can't do these things.

I've "rehearsed" suicide 3 times, the most recent was being grabbed by an armed police officer when I was on the wrong side of the handrails on the Story Bridge in 2012. 28 cops they sent that day, following a frantic call on a sunday arvo from my Psychiatrist. Couldn't believe all that fuss was being made for a worthless soul like mine (slightly depressive and overdramatic statement, but I'm working on it! :) ) He got to me JUST as I let go with my right hand. But in all honesty, I had been up there for about 20 minutes, talking with my best mate in Melbourne and my psychiatrist - if that was the day, I would have just leapt.

So they were rehearsals, no doubt - when I'm ready, it'll just happen. Herein is the horrible, horrible uncertainty that clouds the minds of those treating suicidal people..."is this a rehearsal, or the real thing?". It's for that reason alone I stopped rehearsing. I know what I need to know about the process.

And the mania is far worse than the depression. Far far worse. I'm depressed most of the time, but when the mania hits....I've used many illicit substances in my life and I equate the mania with, what is for me, the best bit of some drugs - that everything in my head, EVERYTHING, is silent. There is just THIS moment. Sorta like when you've had say...4-5 beers? at the pub, with mates, few chicks about, you get a buzz on...I'm sure you all know that feeling? That "f*** me, I feel good and tonight is gonna ROCK" feeling. I've taken a whole gram of crystal meth, about $800 worth it was and it didn't do jack s**t, such is the power of just raw emotional energy. It's along those lines - no fuzziness and no other people making noise. Just THAT feeling and no other. There is no voices offering second thoughts, no alternate courses of action...just the one that I am on. No critical thought processes, nothing. The clarity of thought is unlike anything I have been exposed to. I often say that if EVERYONE could come with me and have my mind at those times, we could achieve transcendence as a society, such is the incredible potency and righteousness of the place I occupy at those times. Just the silence in the mind and the feeling of neverending euphoria that accompanies my actions, all of which are self-destructive despite that thought never occurring to me, is terribly alluring. It is the closest experience to a "divine mind" that I ever have. FWIW, this is called rapid cycling bipolar - my mania comes on almost instantly and lasts about 3-4 days.

What I have learnt is that much of my problem comes with how I relate, connect with and understand people. Hence why living alone in a small community (there's one shop here, the caravan park shop - closest pub is about 25 minutes drive up the highway) has been thus far most therapeutic - I don't have anyone else's problems on my mind. For a whole mess of reasons, none of which are relevant here, I eschewed family after leaving home at 16, I stopped celebrating birthdays (including my own), Christmas, all the other s**t society suggests helps a troubled soul. For me, all those things make my mind MORE clouded, confused and emotionally I feel completely at sea. And, most notably, terribly unhappy. I have 2 friends, my best mate since year 8 in 1983 and my girl. I speak to my mate every day and he is my "zombie apocalypse" companion (I have a truck, so when the zombies start taking over, I'm heading towards Melbourne and keeping count of how many my truck pulps along the way :D ) That's it and that has never bothered me. The concept that I NEED/HAVE TO HAVE people around me to survive/prosper caused more issues than it solved. Took bloody ages to get to that point as my psychology is, ironically, that of a "people-person".

But, today beckons anew! My girl is here! :)
 
And my girl and I are no more :/

Oh well. Life, eh?

Visited a local GP up here for the first time, was most educational dealing with a rural/regional doctor. Seeking a prescription for Valium, he advised that it isn't prescribed hardly at all up here, he doesn't and that if I was feeling manic and suicidal..."well, if you do it, just make sure you don't harm anyone else, that's ok"

Valium is my last remaining option to control mania and/or suicidal thoughts - everything else prescribed over the years either does nothing or subjects me to horrific side effects such that my psych has run out of other options, aside from Lithium, which isn't a PRN.

And whilst perhaps unethical and even contrary to the Hippocratic Oath, I see his point - how many depressed farmers or other rural families would he have seen over the years? Furthermore, this even goes hand in hand with my own position - maybe, JUST MAYBE, alone and isolated is where I will be safest. I am eating better than I ever did in Brisbane, have nobody else's thoughts and emotions to deal with and can just....be. I have begun exercising again (not that I was overweight, but haven't done much either) and the environs up here calm the stormy soul.

And if I want some rubbish conversation - just hop on the main board :D

In all seriousness, neither make less nor more of your own plight chaps - I have never used my mental health as an excuse for my behaviour or decisions, I have rather tried to accept the responsibility of my current situation at any time. it is perhaps this alone which has driven me to seek peace outside and inside.
 
Ah, 24 hrs....

Following a week-long conference, during which my psych enlisted the help of learned colleagues, he's diagnosed me with schizophrenia. The tipping point came when I advised him of my desire to kill my cats. Previously, they had been my guardians and my protectors - he has previously elected to send me home to be with them rather than admit me to a psych unit, such is their meaning, value and worth to me. Even typing this it seems strange.

Psychosis is a wonderful thing :(

So, we'll see - still on Lithium, as of today I am on Soylent as well. Enlisting a chinese medical practitioner as well to help in this journey. And we all concede it could be useless....due to that 3mm of metal in my brain holding one of my arteries together....

Jesus I hope the Lions come good soon....
 
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Not sure I'd call it depression, but have been feeling completely apathetic about everything of late. Have absolutely no idea what has brought this on and it isn't really accompanied by feelings of melancholy, but a loss of interest in virtually everything and the overriding feeling that work, family etc. just isn't worth it has really begun to permeate me. Bizarrely, nothing seems to give me pleasure anymore - previously enjoyable activities such as meeting up with friends, cycling or hiking on weekends feel as though they are a drag - and all efforts to rekindle my passion for life seem to prove futile. Just feel as though everything is fairly pointless ATM - be it keeping in touch with friends, providing for the family, going for a run, paying the bills or putting in the effort at work. Could best be described as the absence of emotion.

Concentration and ability to think clearly is also noticeably impaired. Can't focus on tasks at home/work and have been botching things more than usual (even menial stuff such as doing laundry, writing emails, etc). Typically a very organised person in this regard, but beginning to find common tasks such as these to be frustrating, energy-sapping and pointless. Again, it seems rather unusual and concerning.

Is it normal to inexplicably lose interest in things that seemed thoroughly enjoyable just yesterday? Is it a precursor to depression? How can I fight this apathy and regain lost passion for life? Would love to know whether anyone has experienced something similar. Maybe I'm just becoming a senile old fart? :p
 
Meow, I'm not a doctor. But that's depression. I'd recommend going to your GP, getting a referral for 10 free psychology/counselling sessions and talking some of your things through. Do that before you jump into heavy psychiatric-style medication.

Your doctor may well prescribe you some anti-depressants, that's ok. But do the "Talking Meow, On the Couch" as well. Even after all my issues, I'm back to the couch too. It helps. Posting here was a good idea - we are a little community tucked away in a sub-forum, but even THAT has assisted me.

All the best buddy, keep your chin up as best as you can and talk with some professionals :) And let us know how you get on, if you care to. Seeing other folks go into the darkness and keep fighting or coming out the other side certainly gives me (and probably others) some positivity.
 
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