Lame Jokes Part 2

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A psychiatrist receives a frantic phone call.
"You've got to help me doctor," a woman says. "My husband thinks he's a big opera star. He sings every night at the top of his lungs! He sings "Aida", "Rigoletto", "La Triviata", the lot!"
"Send him to me," the shrink says. "I'll see what I can do."
A week later the woman calls again. "Doc, I don't know how you did it! He's not singing nearly as much. Did you cure his delusion?"
"No," says the psychiatrist. "I just gave him a smaller part."
 
A group of primary school students were participating in a local spelling bee. A keen young boy steps before the judges and is told, "Your word is spider."
Not quite sure as to how to spell it, the boy asks, "Could you please use it in a sentence?"
A judge replies, "A spider has eight eyes."
The boy then states, "S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R."
 
worbod said:
A group of primary school students were participating in a local spelling bee. A keen young boy steps before the judges and is told, "Your word is spider."
Not quite sure as to how to spell it, the boy asks, "Could you please use it in a sentence?"
A judge replies, "A spider has eight eyes."
The boy then states, "S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R."
Click to expand...


DAAAAAAD!
 

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A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.

He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?
 
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, 'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.'
While this was on the edge of intolerable to the wife, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, 'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.'
After the previous morning, the wife could not allow another silent response. She rolled over and grabbed her husband's floppy bit. With a death grip in place, she said, 'You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!'
 
In a courtroom trial in a small American town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'
She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
 

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A young Chinese couple get married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want. I do anyting, juss anyting you want - you juss ask."

"Now whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... numma 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.."You want... Garlic Chicken with Bean Splouts and Corrifrowa?"o_O
 
Took the other half to a Disco last night.
There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing back flips, moonwalking, the works.
The other half says, "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down.:oops:"
I replied, “Looks like he’s still celebrating.:D
 
An oldy but a goody.

The missus walks in and catches me warming me up my penis with the hair dryer.

She asks "what the hell are you doing?". Apparently "Warming up your dinner" wasn't the correct answer.
 
This tosser comes up to me in a nightclub and says "I get 20 times more girls than you mate."

I just said "20 times zero is still zero utensil head."
 
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.

Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job,:eek: and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" :thumbsu: they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise":rainbow: as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? :(

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
 
My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom.
I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a nearby chemist.
In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KA PAER, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. :(
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'Sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the s**t out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
 
Dear Mr Murphy,
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous. It was lipstick.
icon_rolleyes.gif

We deeply regret the amputation.
 
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “Toppy, I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said...
“That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”o_O
 
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix up one minute prior to take off, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
 
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