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Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.

After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only five left in there.

"What happened to the rest of them?" she asks accusingly.

"Well... I masturbated into them," he says.

She accepts the answer, but she's curious. When she's with a few guy friends two days later, Paula asks them about it.

"Do you guys ever do that?" she asks.

"Sure, all the time," her friend says.

"Really, you masturbate into condoms?" she responds.

"Oh, no! I thought you were asking if I ever lie to my girlfriend!"
 
A Melbourne Zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad & former, All Black,
responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions

"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss er."

"Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus."

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

"Wull," said Graham, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500. :drunk:
 

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I went into a bar and three big women were chatting in what appeared a Scottish accent.

I went up to them and said "hey you three lassies sound like you're from Scotland?"

"Wales you idiot, Wales", one screeched at me.

I corrected myself "sorry you three whales appear to be from Scotland."

Dont remember anything after that ... the doctors say I'll recover but slowly.
 
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The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth."

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth. Then he asked the boy...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs F ucking?"
 
First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them)


1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
 
Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enrol your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.

What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
 
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,

"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.

In fact they would probably give more money to him just out of spite..."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said,

"Moishe, look at the Pope who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing..!":)
 

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topjars said:
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,

"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.

In fact they would probably give more money to him just out of spite..."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said,

"Moishe, look at the Pope who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing..!":)
Click to expand...

Todd's uncles?
 
A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Jew walk into a restaurant one morning, sit down and start eating. They continue to gouge themselves until mid afternoon, until none of them can fit another morsel in. They call for the bill: the waiter gives the bill to the Englishman, who nearly dies when he reads, "$650." The Scotsman says, "I'll pay for that."

Next morning, the front page of the local newspaper reads, "JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND DEAD BEHIND RESTAURANT."
 
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, She's fat!?

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep." The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"
 
Given the courageous Dogs lost on the weekend, this jokes for them.
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My wife found out that our dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the Vet.

The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

To which she replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 
Understanding English hospitality
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
 
Grant Kenny was out on the beach early one morning training for his next Iron Man event. As he was running along the storm swept beach, he heard a shrill voice calling from a distance, "Help .. help .. someone help me !! ". Grant looked up and down the deserted beach but couldn't see anyone. " Help .. help ", the voice called again, plaintively , "a shark has bitten off both my legs ! ". Grant looked out to sea and there, beyond the huge breakers, far out into the tumultuous sea, was a skinny little guy waving his hands frantically.

Grant, ever the hero and realizing the skinny little guy was in desperate need, plunged into the mountainous surf and started to plow through the wild seas to save him. "Hurry hurry", cried the little guy, "the shark has taken one of my arms now !!". Grant increased his speed, putting every ounce of energy and power into his effort. As Grant was nearly there, the little guy screamed "Arh, the shark has taken my other arm now too !!

When Grant finally got there the little guy was still alive but just bobbing up and down in the water. "Hang in there mate " said Grant " I'll put you on my back and take you to shore !". Grant, with the little guy on his back, turned and headed for the shoreline. The waves were huge, the conditions were wild and extremely rough.


After an exhausting 2 kilometre swim back to safety, Grant staggered ashore and collapsed on the sand. "Are you alright ? "asked the little guy ". "Yes .. yes .." said Grant panting and gasping "it's just that I'm .. I'm ... rooted ! "

" Yes, I know " said the little guy, " and I'm sorry, but it was the only way I could hang on !! ".:oops:
 
A very pretty young saleswoman knocks on the door of a house.

It's opened by a very short man, almost a dwarf. He has red face, red hair, and is wearing red socks, red slippers, and a red dressing gown.

So surprised is he to see such a pretty woman at his door that he lets his dressing gown fall open and exposes himself.

Shocked, the woman runs screaming away from the house, straight out onto the road, where she is hit by a car.

The moral of the story?

Never try to run across the road when you see a little red man flashing.
 
A salesman knocks on the door of a house. It's opened by a 14 year old girl.

She is dressed in revealing lingerie, her face is heavily made up, her hair dyed and curled, and her lips are painted bright scarlet. In one hand she holds a cigarette, in the other a glass of whisky. Two men in bondage gear can be seen in the room behind, with a pornographic movie visible on the TV.

"Er.....hello there", the salesman asks uncertainly, "are your parents home?"

The girl just looks at him and says: "What do you reckon?"
 
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."(LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"(MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
 
philreich said:
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."(LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"(MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."(National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
Click to expand...
Wouldn't logic suggest your declared winner would also be your favorite? :confused:
 
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