Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

Sep 20, 2009
10,478
15,071
Pascoe Vale
AFL Club
Geelong
A group of old buddies, aged in their 30s, decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because it has a large sports bar, and the waitresses are hot.

Ten years later, aged in their 40s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because you can get an excellent quality meal for a very reasonable price.

Ten years later, aged in their 50s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because it has a superior wine and spirits list.

Ten years later, aged in their 60s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because it's a nice quiet place, where they can sit and eat and reminisce in peace.

Ten years later, aged in their 70s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because it has wheelchair access, and very good seniors deals on week nights.

Ten years later, aged in their 80s, the same group of old buddies decide to catch up for dinner. After much discussion, they decide to go to the Ocean View Hotel....because they've never been there before.
 
A man with no arms and no legs was at the beach on a hot summers day, and was laying on the sand, just out of reach of the water. After a while, a gorgeous brunette walked up to him, curious to know about his life story.

The man explained that he had lost them as a child due to an infection, and that he had never been intimate with anyone because of his condition. The brunette felt sorry for him, so she asked:

"Have you ever been hugged?"

The man responded that he hadn't, so the brunette hugged him tightly. After a minute or so, she broke the hug, looked him in the eye and asked:

"Have you ever been kissed?"

Once again the man responded that he hadn't so the brunette lent in and gave him a passionate kiss that lasted for minutes. As she broke the kiss, she looked at the man again and smiled wickedly.

"So you've never been hugged or kissed. So I take it you've never been screwed?"

The mans face lights up and shakes his head vigorously, indicating he was still a virgin.

The brunette stands up, smiles and says:

"Well, you're about to be. The tide is coming in."
 
Last edited:

worbod

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 26, 2008
5,886
7,507
Bendigo
AFL Club
Western Bulldogs
Other Teams
Liverpool
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies and diapers”.
She replies, “Oh my, am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds, “No, you’ve got bowel cancer".
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...

"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book...

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY:thumbsdown:
 

AAACockburn

Premiership Player
Mar 30, 2013
3,048
4,523
Inside Wayne Carey's pain relief Ziplock.
AFL Club
Fremantle
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VFL
Why don't blind people skydive?

Because they scare the fRuck out of their dogs.
images (1).jpg
 
Sep 20, 2009
10,478
15,071
Pascoe Vale
AFL Club
Geelong
A man dies and goes straight to Hell. He is greeted by The Devil, who offers to show him around.

"What are you standing there looking so sad and frightened about, my friend? Don't believe that BS they teach you in church! Hell is f*** awesome! You can indulge in every sin and vice you want.....and there's never any consequences for you, because you're already dead! How great is that?! Do you drink?"

"Um..sure, yeah I drink", the man mutters nervously.

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays", the Devil responds. "From expensive French champagne to the most exotic spirits, whatever your fancy, on Mondays you can drink as much as you want. And you'll never get drunk or hungover, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you smoke?"

"Yeah, I smoke", the man says, a bit less nervously.

"Well, you're gonna love Tuesdays. From the finest Cuban cigars to the old Sherlock Holmes pipe, on Tuesdays you can do nothing but smoke. And you'll never get lung cancer, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you do drugs?"

Feeling more confident now, the man confides "Well...in my youth, you know...I experimented a little"

"Well, you're gonna love Wednesdays. Uppers, downers, poppers, mind-benders. From cough syrup to Colombia's finest, on Wednesdays you can take as many drugs as you want. And you'll never get addicted or overdose, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you like to party?"

The man is excited now, and declares 'Yeah! I love to party!"

"Well, you're gonna love Thursdays. From a calypso carnival to a nightclub rave, however you like to party, on Thursdays you can party all day and all night! And you'll never get tired or partying, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you like women?"

The man is jumping out his skin now "F**k yeah!! I love women!!"

"Well you're gonna love Fridays. Three girls for every guy, young girls, old girls, white, Asian, black...any fantasy you want will be fulfilled on Fridays! And you'll never have to worry about protection or STDs, because you're already dead! How great is that! Are you gay? Do you like 12 inches taking you in the ass??"

Shocked, the man quickly says "NO! NO, absolutely not!!"

The Devil suddenly looks subdued and embarassed. "Oh......er.....well.......you're REALLY gonna hate Saturdays and Sundays......"
 

worbod

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 26, 2008
5,886
7,507
Bendigo
AFL Club
Western Bulldogs
Other Teams
Liverpool
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....And indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari-Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I have three inches removed.'
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow...

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken.":cool:
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
Political Correctness has gone crazy in this country I was at the zoo the other day, and you can't even say Mongoose anymore, it's (special) goose.
How do you get a nun pregnant? You f**k her.
What's more dangerous than a pittbull with AIDS?

The bloke that gave it AIDS.
Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.


Lame Jokes Board:rolleyes:
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
 
ATO AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
 
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Butch, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years; he's the future.
I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. 

Then there's the mentally challenged guy.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. 

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bundaberg Rum and a dozen Crownies every Saturday night so he can cope with life.He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
 
ATO AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
 
Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?:drunk:
 

Catatonic Shock

Premiership Player
Sep 7, 2013
3,904
6,584
Geelong
AFL Club
Geelong
A man dies and goes straight to Hell. He is greeted by The Devil, who offers to show him around.

"What are you standing there looking so sad and frightened about, my friend? Don't believe that BS they teach you in church! Hell is f*** awesome! You can indulge in every sin and vice you want.....and there's never any consequences for you, because you're already dead! How great is that?! Do you drink?"

"Um..sure, yeah I drink", the man mutters nervously.

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays", the Devil responds. "From expensive French champagne to the most exotic spirits, whatever your fancy, on Mondays you can drink as much as you want. And you'll never get drunk or hungover, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you smoke?"

"Yeah, I smoke", the man says, a bit less nervously.

"Well, you're gonna love Tuesdays. From the finest Cuban cigars to the old Sherlock Holmes pipe, on Tuesdays you can do nothing but smoke. And you'll never get lung cancer, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you do drugs?"

Feeling more confident now, the man confides "Well...in my youth, you know...I experimented a little"

"Well, you're gonna love Wednesdays. Uppers, downers, poppers, mind-benders. From cough syrup to Colombia's finest, on Wednesdays you can take as many drugs as you want. And you'll never get addicted or overdose, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you like to party?"

The man is excited now, and declares 'Yeah! I love to party!"

"Well, you're gonna love Thursdays. From a calypso carnival to a nightclub rave, however you like to party, on Thursdays you can party all day and all night! And you'll never get tired or partying, because you're already dead! How great is that! Do you like women?"

The man is jumping out his skin now "F**k yeah!! I love women!!"

"Well you're gonna love Fridays. Three girls for every guy, young girls, old girls, white, Asian, black...any fantasy you want will be fulfilled on Fridays! And you'll never have to worry about protection or STDs, because you're already dead! How great is that! Are you gay? Do you like 12 inches taking you in the ass??"

Shocked, the man quickly says "NO! NO, absolutely not!!"

The Devil suddenly looks subdued and embarassed. "Oh......er.....well.......you're REALLY gonna hate Saturdays and Sundays......"

Fair trade off I reckon...
 
You're essentially saying you'd sell off your arse to 12 inch poundings for some drugs, alcohol, cigars and hookers.

You're basically gay then.
He's only 2/7ths gay prostitute, which is still more dignified than "Essendon fan"
 
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