Croweater's thread of not-so-erotic fiction

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Croweater

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Apr 1, 2013
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Nah, I won't melt. I know there are people who think I'm talking out of my arse, but I thought what happened on Sunday was worthy of a write up. I know that the initial part of my story seemed fantasy-like, but I wanted to really convey that the day was perfect before my ex came along. Beautiful sunny day, Eggs Benedict, beautiful girl, life was full of possibilities, then BAM! She happened.

I told you at the start that a few things may seem like I'm giving myself a bit of a pump up. Like I said, I don't want to seem like an arse, but I wanted to highlight the juxtaposition between utopia and dystopia effectively.

I also don't understand the Two and a Half Men reference. My story didn't contain fart jokes, a broke, twice-divorced middle-aged man, or references to my mum being a devil woman. The closest my story got to it was the beautiful girl sitting opposite me. Oops, my bad. And Dawson's Creek? Really? How old are you Durex?

I'm curious though; what is everyone having trouble believing?

By the way, what's everyone's problem with a Hazelnut Latte? They're bloody wonderful, heaven in a cup if made right. :thumbsu:
 
Mar 6, 2014
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Croweater

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How is that flirting though Croweater?

Great question! It isn't, but it's a flow on from what happened a couple of months back.

Even though most of you thought I was full of s**t, a few gave me s**t for stopping, so it was an awkward story/update.

Your stupid dialogue that in no way resembles a conversation that people would have in real life.

Well obviously there were a couple of other things that were said, awkward pauses, whatever have you. But by and large, the dialogue was pretty much the same to what I wrote. When I told 'Alex' about Hayley, her demeanour flicked like a light switch. And owing to her quick nature, she landed a verbal punch swiftly. So while the dialogue may seem a touch unrealistic, Alex's personality traits are equally baffling.
 

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I may make comments which come across as self-inflating

Understatement of the ******* century right there.

Your stories don't just 'come across' as self inflating, they positively reek of self importance. Seriously, most guys here couldn't top your stories in the pompousness stakes if they set out to write the most arrogant pump ups they could. Your writing is so effortlessly vain and consistently reads like a love letter to yourself.

Being a descriptive writer is no excuse, plenty of visually descriptive writers can be brutal with their words. There's a huge difference between being descriptive and just being in love with yourself. You don't just stop with you though, look at the way you describe Hayley in this story:

she never wears caps, multi-coloured three-striper track pants don't feature in her wardrobe, and she can't stand the malleability of the public in being influenced into wasting money on Beats by Dr Dre headphones.

Your idea of conveying what your girlfriend is like is to tell us what she isn't. Whether you're doing it consciously or not, you're championing her as better than these other girls you've described and there's just no need to do that in the context of this story. I honestly don't know how anybody in their right mind could read this quote back and not realize how ridiculously pretentious it sounds. I also don't know how you think conveying the fact she looks down on the general public is an endearing quality that would present her in a favourable light. You've made her sound just like you and you only have to read this thread to know what people think about that.

I choose to believe that you don't intend to come across this way and I get your point about wanting to illustrate the juxtaposition of a situation, but there is just no other way to interpret this.
 

Croweater

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Understatement of the ******* century right there.

Your stories don't just 'come across' as self inflating, they positively reek of self importance. Seriously, most guys here couldn't top your stories in the pompousness stakes if they set out to write the most arrogant pump ups they could. Your writing is so effortlessly vain and consistently reads like a love letter to yourself.

Being a descriptive writer is no excuse, plenty of visually descriptive writers can be brutal with their words. There's a huge difference between being descriptive and just being in love with yourself. You don't just stop with you though, look at the way you describe Hayley in this story:



Your idea of conveying what your girlfriend is like is to tell us what she isn't. Whether you're doing it consciously or not, you're championing her as better than these other girls you've described and there's just no need to do that in the context of this story. I honestly don't know how anybody in their right mind could read this quote back and not realize how ridiculously pretentious it sounds. I also don't know how you think conveying the fact she looks down on the general public is an endearing quality that would present her in a favourable light. You've made her sound just like you and you only have to read this thread to know what people think about that.

I choose to believe that you don't intend to come across this way and I get your point about wanting to illustrate the juxtaposition of a situation, but there is just no other way to interpret this.

You're like a smarter Durex! :eek:

Nah I get your point and it's valid to an extent. I have an idea about what I like, how some people don't fit within that, and how I like how similar Hayley and I are in that respect. I'm aware it can be construed as pretentious.

But I did write how my ex-girlfriend told the girl I'm seeing about her lack of enjoyment with our sex life. That was awkward. I also acknowledged how Hayley can be a bit precious and how I come across as self-aggrandising.

So it's not like I tell my stories with everything going my way. Oh and I don't 'love' myself. Metaphorically anyway :$. I'm just aware of my strengths.
 

getthefooty

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Understatement of the ******* century right there.

Your stories don't just 'come across' as self inflating, they positively reek of self importance. Seriously, most guys here couldn't top your stories in the pompousness stakes if they set out to write the most arrogant pump ups they could. Your writing is so effortlessly vain and consistently reads like a love letter to yourself.

Being a descriptive writer is no excuse, plenty of visually descriptive writers can be brutal with their words. There's a huge difference between being descriptive and just being in love with yourself. You don't just stop with you though, look at the way you describe Hayley in this story:



Your idea of conveying what your girlfriend is like is to tell us what she isn't. Whether you're doing it consciously or not, you're championing her as better than these other girls you've described and there's just no need to do that in the context of this story. I honestly don't know how anybody in their right mind could read this quote back and not realize how ridiculously pretentious it sounds. I also don't know how you think conveying the fact she looks down on the general public is an endearing quality that would present her in a favourable light. You've made her sound just like you and you only have to read this thread to know what people think about that.

I choose to believe that you don't intend to come across this way and I get your point about wanting to illustrate the juxtaposition of a situation, but there is just no other way to interpret this.

That completely nails it, every single word is there to make himself look better. Every single one. Unfortunately what makes it worse is the fact he thinks he is a great writer when he is a long way off it.
 

BALKAN

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This thread has become more awkward than the awkward flirting stories it's supposed to contain.

quote-when-you-stare-into-the-abyss-the-abyss-stares-back-at-you-friedrich-nietzsche-285259.jpg
 
Oct 15, 2007
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Nah, I won't melt. I know there are people who think I'm talking out of my arse, but I thought what happened on Sunday was worthy of a write up. I know that the initial part of my story seemed fantasy-like, but I wanted to really convey that the day was perfect before my ex came along. Beautiful sunny day, Eggs Benedict, beautiful girl, life was full of possibilities, then BAM! She happened.

I told you at the start that a few things may seem like I'm giving myself a bit of a pump up. Like I said, I don't want to seem like an arse, but I wanted to highlight the juxtaposition between utopia and dystopia effectively.

I also don't understand the Two and a Half Men reference. My story didn't contain fart jokes, a broke, twice-divorced middle-aged man, or references to my mum being a devil woman. The closest my story got to it was the beautiful girl sitting opposite me. Oops, my bad. And Dawson's Creek? Really? How old are you Durex?

I'm curious though; what is everyone having trouble believing?

By the way, what's everyone's problem with a Hazelnut Latte? They're bloody wonderful, heaven in a cup if made right. :thumbsu:

I'm 39. And I never watched Dawson's creek or scrubs for that matter. If you start quoting greys anatomy next I'm out of here.

And anytime you change the flavour of a coffee with something that is not milk or sugar, you're instantly gay.
 

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