What do you call a group of banned Essendon players?
A Hird.
A Hird.
-
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Lame Jokes Part 2
- Thread starter Hard Ball Get
- Start date
- Tagged users None
raskolnikov
Cancelled
10k Posts
30k Posts
Wordler
Werewolf Player
Essendon Player Sponsor 2021 - Anthony McDonald-Tipungwuti and Archie Perkins
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Song Contest Winner - 5+ Rounds
Too soon.
- Banned
- #3,303
A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which.
A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
- Banned
- #3,304
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."
Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?"
Mick says, " Well, I couldn't walk for 12 months."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."
Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?"
Mick says, " Well, I couldn't walk for 12 months."
- Banned
- #3,306
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
- Banned
- #3,307
A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to uni. Once there, he began to let his hair grow long, plus sideburns, a moustache, and a goatee.
When his hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken. He mailed it home with a note that read: "Do you like my hair style? Do you think the goatee makes me look like a count?"
"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!"
When his hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken. He mailed it home with a note that read: "Do you like my hair style? Do you think the goatee makes me look like a count?"
"You idiot!" His father wrote back. "Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you can't even SPELL!"
- Banned
- #3,308
...think about it
- Banned
- #3,310
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
- Banned
- #3,311
Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
- Banned
- #3,312
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
philreich
TheBrownDog
- Mar 2, 2014
- 58,510
- 147,353
- AFL Club
- Port Adelaide
There was a young man from Bengal
Who went to a fancy dress ball
He decided to risk it
Dressed up as a biscuit
And a dog ate him up in the hall.
Who went to a fancy dress ball
He decided to risk it
Dressed up as a biscuit
And a dog ate him up in the hall.
I was driving along in my car when my boss phoned me and said, "You've just been promoted."
I swerved.
He rang a few minutes later and said, "You've been made a managing director."
I swerved again.
He rang a third time and said, "Now you're the CEO!" and I drove into a tree.
A policeman came over and said, "What happened to you?"
I replied, "I careered off the road."
I swerved.
He rang a few minutes later and said, "You've been made a managing director."
I swerved again.
He rang a third time and said, "Now you're the CEO!" and I drove into a tree.
A policeman came over and said, "What happened to you?"
I replied, "I careered off the road."
RedmanWasHere
Rarely in kitchens at parties.
- Aug 23, 2010
- 26,849
- 29,551
- AFL Club
- Essendon
- Other Teams
- Exers, Gryffindor, Rich+Ess AFLW, Tassie
They all have to come from somewhere.
- Banned
- #3,317
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough... there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the @#$% dog
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I’ll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls
off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the @#$% dog
An old man lies on his deathbed, knowing the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and his two sons are with him. He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak.
"My son Bernie, I want you to take the houses on Main Street. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments at the east end of town. My son James, I want you to take the offices over in the city centre, and Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and the witnesses are blown away as they didn't realise the old man had such extensive holdings. As the old man slips away, the nurse says to the grieving wife, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "Property? He had a paper round!"
"My son Bernie, I want you to take the houses on Main Street. My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments at the east end of town. My son James, I want you to take the offices over in the city centre, and Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and the witnesses are blown away as they didn't realise the old man had such extensive holdings. As the old man slips away, the nurse says to the grieving wife, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "Property? He had a paper round!"
- Banned
- #3,320
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.......
She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
She's 21 and her name's Lucy.
- Banned
- #3,321
The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that The climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as ‘Typical English Weather’, rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as: 'Typical Muslim Weather' (Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
- Feb 2, 2016
- 2,856
- 2,342
- AFL Club
- Sydney
- Other Teams
- Denver Broncos,Chelsea,wests tigers
Q.Whats the difference between roast beef and pee soup
A.Everyone can roast beef but no one can pee soup
A.Everyone can roast beef but no one can pee soup
A woman calls her best friend in hysterics.
"I just saw a mouse in the kitchen!" she yells. "I'm so grossed out! It's so disgusting!"
"What are you going to do?" asked the other woman.
"I'm not sure. But you can bet I'll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore."
"I just saw a mouse in the kitchen!" she yells. "I'm so grossed out! It's so disgusting!"
"What are you going to do?" asked the other woman.
"I'm not sure. But you can bet I'll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore."
