Drugs Are Bad Mackay?
Moderator
- May 24, 2006
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<Phil Harper, Todd Viney, Mark Bickley and David Noble enter and sit down. Neil Craig is already in the room, standing at the window, looking out>
Phil Harper: Neil, are you ready to get started?
Neil Craig: Huh?... oh yeah, fine thanks…
Phil Harper: What’s up? Everything alright?
David Noble: Something on your mind, Neil?
Neil Craig: No… no... I’m good.
<Neil takes his seat but continues to stare out the window>
Phil Harper: Ok… Team Selection: Round 7 versus Richmond… Neil, you want to kick things off?
Neil Craig: …
Phil Harper: Neil?
Neil Craig: (quietly) Where did it all go wrong?
Phil Harper: … Neil?
Neil Craig: (in a daze) This season. We sat in this very room after the Collingwood final last year and set the foundation for a premiership assault. We had the players, we had the firepower up forward… the perfect mix of youth and experience. “Why trade when we already have the best list?” I remember saying those exact words. Now… we’re in a fight to the death for the wooden spoon with bloody Richmond. (long sigh)
Phil Harper: Ahh, Neil… selection meeting?
Neil Craig: This was meant to be my crowning glory, you know? We’d been building for six years. 2010 was the culmination…
Mark Bickley: (punches air) Culmination.
Phil Harper: Neil, shall we maybe do this later? It seems like you’re a bit distracted here.
Neil Craig: Have I lost the players?
Phil Harper: Let’s not be silly-
Neil Craig: No, no… I’m really asking. Have the players lost respect for me?
Phil Harper: Why are you asking? Is it just because we’re 0-6?
Neil Craig: I just get the impression… that everything’s not quite right, you know? I don’t even know if they’re listening anymore. I opened with a joke in our post-match review on Monday. Why do cows wear bells? (waits a beat) Because their horns don’t work.
Mark Bickley: Hah!
Neil Craig: I told that on Monday… nothing. Not one player as much as much as giggled. I mean, I don’t need you guys to tell me that’s gold - genuine A-material. There’s been some other things too. You know our 2010 team photo that’s up in the hallway? Someone drew a halo above my head. You remember that Saint Neil crap that Rooch was peddling? I thought we were past that.
Phil Harper: Neil, the start to the season has been tough on everyone but I’m a little worried about you here. You can’t be this hard on yourself. It’s not healthy. Guys, I think we need to have a break here. Pick things up this afterno-
Neil Craig: No! (claps hands enthusiastically) Forget all that. I’m ok, really. Right. Team selection, let’s go, who’s in, who’s out? Give it to me.
Todd Viney: Ok, well it looks like we might be getting a couple of players back from inj-
Neil Craig: Have the players said anything to you guys?
Phil Harper: Neil, I think we really should concentrate on selection here.
Neil Craig: Aww, stuff selection. This is important. Bicks, Todd, David…? C’mon you’re all close to the players. Is there stuff going on behind the scenes that I’m not aware of?
<Todd Viney and David Noble exchange glances>
Todd Viney: Neil… are you sure you want to do-
Neil Craig: Yes, yes! I can take it. I need to know.
David Noble: Well… there are a few whispers at the moment… but there’s bound to be.
Todd Viney: Yeah, in any club, whether you’re winning or not-
Neil Craig: What whispers? C’mon, don’t hold out on me.
Todd Viney: Well, there’s one going around about Nathan Bock and the Gold Coast.
David Noble: Yeah, I think he’s got the impression that there’s still some tension between you and him over that incident with his girlfriend. I mean, he’s not in the leadership group-
Neil Craig: Hang on, hang on... Is he still on about that? I thought I explained to Nathan that I was staring at her necklace. My wife’s got the exact same one-
David Noble: No no! Not that incident. The one at the Havelock… you remember the court case?
Neil Craig: Oh, the handbag thing.
Todd Viney: There are some grumblings about Tippett’s contract too.
David Noble: A bit of jealousy I think among a few of the players.
Neil Craig: Good grief. What planet are these guys on? As soon as they’re 6’ 6’’ and have a 50 goal season behind them, then we’ll renegotiate their deals. You tell them that.
Todd Viney: There’s also been some talk about Scott Thompson possibly wanting a return to Victoria. His girlfriend’s from there… he’s not in the leadership group either… apparently he would like to go back to the Demons next season.
Neil Craig: The Demons! What is going on? They’ve won the last two wooden spoons… they’ve got no members… they’re on AFL handouts paying 90% of their salary cap… they train without goalposts… Brad Miller’s their centre half forward for Christ’s sake and they’re a more attractive proposition than we are?! I just don’t understand this.
David Noble: Neil, the other one is the Walker issue. It just won’t go away. Apparently Sheeds has been in his ear every other day. He’s a New South Wales boy… he would be a real coup for Western Sydney, good for their profile-
Neil Craig: I am so sick of this Taylor Walker stuff. What is he anyway, God’s gift to football? Anyone would think he was the youngest player ever to kick 50 goals in the SANFL or something.
David Noble: Actually I think he was.
Neil Craig: Look… ok… we’ll change tack. Which players are actually happy? Is there anyone who doesn’t want out? Anyone who wants to stick around?
Todd Viney: I think Goodwin, McLeod, Edwards, Burton and Doughty do.
Neil Craig: Well… that’s one positive I guess. I was worried a few of them would want to hang up the boots.
<Concerned glances are exchanged around the table>
Phil Harper: Neil, I’m not sure we’re accomplishing anything here. We have to stay on track. Round 7. Richmond. Selection. Can we get started?
<Neil Craig nods and settles back in his seat>
Todd Viney: I’ll kick things off if you like. We’ve got a couple of guys possibly back from injury this week. One of Mackay or Knights will probably come up plus Walker is ready to go. I’m thinking that we’ll need to squeeze out two players from Saturday’s team.
Phil Harper: Who are you thinking?
Todd Viney: A couple of the older guys actually… Burton and Doughty.
Neil Craig: Are we back on this again? The old-player-bashing?
Todd Viney: Neil, it’s not an age thing. It’s purely form. Burton is struggling big time and made some massive blues after half time.
Neil Craig: Look, I’ve been pretty happy with Brett. He’s been competing well in the forward line… mostly against Tippett, but he’s at least providing a contest.
Todd Viney: I think Walker brings more to the team.
David Noble: Me too Neil.
Neil Craig: But his lack of power running though…? (sighs, resigned to losing the argument) It's Richmond too... I bet he kicks a bag and makes me look like a dunce for not picking him.
Todd Viney: Doughty’s the other one.
David Noble: Yeah, it really looks as though the speed of the game has caught up with him.
Neil Craig: Now that’s unfair. His backwards handball is as quick as anyone in the game.
Todd Viney: I think they’re both cooked. (David Noble nods in agreement)
<long silence>
Neil Craig: Phil?
Phil Harper: I agree with Todd.
Neil Craig: Bicks?
Mark Bickley: Sorry Neil… I’m… sorry.
<Neil settles back in his chair, obviously angry, eye twitching>
Phil Harper: What about outside last weeks’ 25 - is there anyone we need to be keeping an eye on?
David Noble: Wasn’t much in the SANFL last week. A heap of guys are still out injured.
Todd Viney: Where’s Jarrhan Jacky at?
David Noble: Still injured I think. (checks his notes) Hamstring, few weeks away.
Phil Harper: Actually, while we’re on it... We’ve had a request through from the Eagles. Their reserves have been travelling ok… they want to bring Jacky back through SMOSH if that’s alright.
Neil Craig: Oh, for crying out- … I can see the headlines… Crows player running round in the amateurs against bloody Kilburn or something… Rucci would be rubbing his hands together. Oh well, 16 more weeks and he can clean out his locker.
Phil Harper: Actually Neil… Jarrhan’s contracted for next year too.
<Neil’s eye twitches again. He gets up chuckling to himself and starts walking slow laps around the table>
Neil Craig: Anyone else finding this funny? John bloody Reid…eh? Ha-ha! You’ve got to hand it to him… he might be gone but he’s still F___ING WITH ME!
Phil Harper: (horrified) …Neil?
Neil Craig: Ben Hudson… the best ruckman we’ve had since Shaun Rehn… three year deal please… but NOOOO-OOOO!... We can’t possibly do that… Jacky on the other hand… here’s a ten year deal and would you like to kick Neil in the balls while you’re at it? You win JR!
<Neil is hyperventilating>
Todd Viney: Neil, maybe you need to take some time off?
Neil Craig: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you Viney? Saint Neil loses the plot but luckily we’ve got someone standing by ready to step in. Well it ain’t happening.
David Noble: Neil, you’re getting pretty fired up here. What happened to Neil Craig the jokester?
Neil Craig: The only jokes in this room are the ones staring back at me.
Phil Harper: Now hold on-
Neil Craig: This… is a conspiracy. And you’re all in on it!
David Noble: Neil, you’ve lost it. Settle down-
Neil Craig: No I will not settle down David. The season is slipping away if you haven’t noticed. I should have seen it all along - you’ve all been plotting against me! After ’05 and ‘06 everyone was all; “you’ve got to make more moves on match day, Neil” or “we’re too defensive, Neil” or “we need to see some more flair, Neil” or “these Crowbots play boring football, Neil” - Do you know where we were those two years when we did things my way? Top two, that’s where.
It’s all starting to make sense now though. This ring any bells Viney? (mimicking) How about we try Tippett in the ruck, Neil… he can do twice as much damage there… The best power forward the club has ever had and we move him! How could I have been so blind?
And you David… I think we can turn Petrenko into a crumbing forward Neil… forget the fact that he’s played his whole LIFE in the backlines and hasn’t had a touch all season! Stop crying Bickley, don’t you always laugh at everything I say? I can’t see a smile from here. How about we try Reilly as a tagger, Neil… that was you wasn’t it? The best kick in our team and we’ve got him chasing guernseys!
The medical staff, they’re in on it… Chris Knights is ready to go, Neil… he limps off in the second quarter, same injury, stuffed for the year. Stephen Schwerdt and his ‘revolutionary’ fitness program… everyone’s injured and have we kicked a goal in a last quarter yet?
I’m on to something here. This is sabotage. Well, not anymore. I’m taking charge again and I’m not following anyone’s advice. This is going to be my team. The Crowbots Mk II; the team that Neil built. And we’re going to flood the f___ out of them.
Phil! Lots of work to do. I’ve got a team to rebuild. Boil me up a pot of coffee and get me Robert Shirley’s phone numb-
<Phil Harper throws a glass of cold water over Neil Craig’s face. Neil stands there stunned, dripping wet>
Neil Craig: (breathing heavily) I… I… I don’t know what came over me… guys I’m sorry…
<Neil Craig slumps down on the ground and sits against the wall, head in hands>
Neil Craig: (quietly) I think I’ve been bottling that up for a while… just need some time alone… pick things up again this afternoon maybe…
Phil Harper: Ahh, sure Neil.
<Everyone files out hurriedly leaving Neil Craig alone>
Phil Harper: Neil, are you ready to get started?
Neil Craig: Huh?... oh yeah, fine thanks…
Phil Harper: What’s up? Everything alright?
David Noble: Something on your mind, Neil?
Neil Craig: No… no... I’m good.
<Neil takes his seat but continues to stare out the window>
Phil Harper: Ok… Team Selection: Round 7 versus Richmond… Neil, you want to kick things off?
Neil Craig: …
Phil Harper: Neil?
Neil Craig: (quietly) Where did it all go wrong?
Phil Harper: … Neil?
Neil Craig: (in a daze) This season. We sat in this very room after the Collingwood final last year and set the foundation for a premiership assault. We had the players, we had the firepower up forward… the perfect mix of youth and experience. “Why trade when we already have the best list?” I remember saying those exact words. Now… we’re in a fight to the death for the wooden spoon with bloody Richmond. (long sigh)
Phil Harper: Ahh, Neil… selection meeting?
Neil Craig: This was meant to be my crowning glory, you know? We’d been building for six years. 2010 was the culmination…
Mark Bickley: (punches air) Culmination.
Phil Harper: Neil, shall we maybe do this later? It seems like you’re a bit distracted here.
Neil Craig: Have I lost the players?
Phil Harper: Let’s not be silly-
Neil Craig: No, no… I’m really asking. Have the players lost respect for me?
Phil Harper: Why are you asking? Is it just because we’re 0-6?
Neil Craig: I just get the impression… that everything’s not quite right, you know? I don’t even know if they’re listening anymore. I opened with a joke in our post-match review on Monday. Why do cows wear bells? (waits a beat) Because their horns don’t work.
Mark Bickley: Hah!
Neil Craig: I told that on Monday… nothing. Not one player as much as much as giggled. I mean, I don’t need you guys to tell me that’s gold - genuine A-material. There’s been some other things too. You know our 2010 team photo that’s up in the hallway? Someone drew a halo above my head. You remember that Saint Neil crap that Rooch was peddling? I thought we were past that.
Phil Harper: Neil, the start to the season has been tough on everyone but I’m a little worried about you here. You can’t be this hard on yourself. It’s not healthy. Guys, I think we need to have a break here. Pick things up this afterno-
Neil Craig: No! (claps hands enthusiastically) Forget all that. I’m ok, really. Right. Team selection, let’s go, who’s in, who’s out? Give it to me.
Todd Viney: Ok, well it looks like we might be getting a couple of players back from inj-
Neil Craig: Have the players said anything to you guys?
Phil Harper: Neil, I think we really should concentrate on selection here.
Neil Craig: Aww, stuff selection. This is important. Bicks, Todd, David…? C’mon you’re all close to the players. Is there stuff going on behind the scenes that I’m not aware of?
<Todd Viney and David Noble exchange glances>
Todd Viney: Neil… are you sure you want to do-
Neil Craig: Yes, yes! I can take it. I need to know.
David Noble: Well… there are a few whispers at the moment… but there’s bound to be.
Todd Viney: Yeah, in any club, whether you’re winning or not-
Neil Craig: What whispers? C’mon, don’t hold out on me.
Todd Viney: Well, there’s one going around about Nathan Bock and the Gold Coast.
David Noble: Yeah, I think he’s got the impression that there’s still some tension between you and him over that incident with his girlfriend. I mean, he’s not in the leadership group-
Neil Craig: Hang on, hang on... Is he still on about that? I thought I explained to Nathan that I was staring at her necklace. My wife’s got the exact same one-
David Noble: No no! Not that incident. The one at the Havelock… you remember the court case?
Neil Craig: Oh, the handbag thing.
Todd Viney: There are some grumblings about Tippett’s contract too.
David Noble: A bit of jealousy I think among a few of the players.
Neil Craig: Good grief. What planet are these guys on? As soon as they’re 6’ 6’’ and have a 50 goal season behind them, then we’ll renegotiate their deals. You tell them that.
Todd Viney: There’s also been some talk about Scott Thompson possibly wanting a return to Victoria. His girlfriend’s from there… he’s not in the leadership group either… apparently he would like to go back to the Demons next season.
Neil Craig: The Demons! What is going on? They’ve won the last two wooden spoons… they’ve got no members… they’re on AFL handouts paying 90% of their salary cap… they train without goalposts… Brad Miller’s their centre half forward for Christ’s sake and they’re a more attractive proposition than we are?! I just don’t understand this.
David Noble: Neil, the other one is the Walker issue. It just won’t go away. Apparently Sheeds has been in his ear every other day. He’s a New South Wales boy… he would be a real coup for Western Sydney, good for their profile-
Neil Craig: I am so sick of this Taylor Walker stuff. What is he anyway, God’s gift to football? Anyone would think he was the youngest player ever to kick 50 goals in the SANFL or something.
David Noble: Actually I think he was.
Neil Craig: Look… ok… we’ll change tack. Which players are actually happy? Is there anyone who doesn’t want out? Anyone who wants to stick around?
Todd Viney: I think Goodwin, McLeod, Edwards, Burton and Doughty do.
Neil Craig: Well… that’s one positive I guess. I was worried a few of them would want to hang up the boots.
<Concerned glances are exchanged around the table>
Phil Harper: Neil, I’m not sure we’re accomplishing anything here. We have to stay on track. Round 7. Richmond. Selection. Can we get started?
<Neil Craig nods and settles back in his seat>
Todd Viney: I’ll kick things off if you like. We’ve got a couple of guys possibly back from injury this week. One of Mackay or Knights will probably come up plus Walker is ready to go. I’m thinking that we’ll need to squeeze out two players from Saturday’s team.
Phil Harper: Who are you thinking?
Todd Viney: A couple of the older guys actually… Burton and Doughty.
Neil Craig: Are we back on this again? The old-player-bashing?
Todd Viney: Neil, it’s not an age thing. It’s purely form. Burton is struggling big time and made some massive blues after half time.
Neil Craig: Look, I’ve been pretty happy with Brett. He’s been competing well in the forward line… mostly against Tippett, but he’s at least providing a contest.
Todd Viney: I think Walker brings more to the team.
David Noble: Me too Neil.
Neil Craig: But his lack of power running though…? (sighs, resigned to losing the argument) It's Richmond too... I bet he kicks a bag and makes me look like a dunce for not picking him.
Todd Viney: Doughty’s the other one.
David Noble: Yeah, it really looks as though the speed of the game has caught up with him.
Neil Craig: Now that’s unfair. His backwards handball is as quick as anyone in the game.
Todd Viney: I think they’re both cooked. (David Noble nods in agreement)
<long silence>
Neil Craig: Phil?
Phil Harper: I agree with Todd.
Neil Craig: Bicks?
Mark Bickley: Sorry Neil… I’m… sorry.
<Neil settles back in his chair, obviously angry, eye twitching>
Phil Harper: What about outside last weeks’ 25 - is there anyone we need to be keeping an eye on?
David Noble: Wasn’t much in the SANFL last week. A heap of guys are still out injured.
Todd Viney: Where’s Jarrhan Jacky at?
David Noble: Still injured I think. (checks his notes) Hamstring, few weeks away.
Phil Harper: Actually, while we’re on it... We’ve had a request through from the Eagles. Their reserves have been travelling ok… they want to bring Jacky back through SMOSH if that’s alright.
Neil Craig: Oh, for crying out- … I can see the headlines… Crows player running round in the amateurs against bloody Kilburn or something… Rucci would be rubbing his hands together. Oh well, 16 more weeks and he can clean out his locker.
Phil Harper: Actually Neil… Jarrhan’s contracted for next year too.
<Neil’s eye twitches again. He gets up chuckling to himself and starts walking slow laps around the table>
Neil Craig: Anyone else finding this funny? John bloody Reid…eh? Ha-ha! You’ve got to hand it to him… he might be gone but he’s still F___ING WITH ME!
Phil Harper: (horrified) …Neil?
Neil Craig: Ben Hudson… the best ruckman we’ve had since Shaun Rehn… three year deal please… but NOOOO-OOOO!... We can’t possibly do that… Jacky on the other hand… here’s a ten year deal and would you like to kick Neil in the balls while you’re at it? You win JR!
<Neil is hyperventilating>
Todd Viney: Neil, maybe you need to take some time off?
Neil Craig: Oh, you’d like that wouldn’t you Viney? Saint Neil loses the plot but luckily we’ve got someone standing by ready to step in. Well it ain’t happening.
David Noble: Neil, you’re getting pretty fired up here. What happened to Neil Craig the jokester?
Neil Craig: The only jokes in this room are the ones staring back at me.
Phil Harper: Now hold on-
Neil Craig: This… is a conspiracy. And you’re all in on it!
David Noble: Neil, you’ve lost it. Settle down-
Neil Craig: No I will not settle down David. The season is slipping away if you haven’t noticed. I should have seen it all along - you’ve all been plotting against me! After ’05 and ‘06 everyone was all; “you’ve got to make more moves on match day, Neil” or “we’re too defensive, Neil” or “we need to see some more flair, Neil” or “these Crowbots play boring football, Neil” - Do you know where we were those two years when we did things my way? Top two, that’s where.
It’s all starting to make sense now though. This ring any bells Viney? (mimicking) How about we try Tippett in the ruck, Neil… he can do twice as much damage there… The best power forward the club has ever had and we move him! How could I have been so blind?
And you David… I think we can turn Petrenko into a crumbing forward Neil… forget the fact that he’s played his whole LIFE in the backlines and hasn’t had a touch all season! Stop crying Bickley, don’t you always laugh at everything I say? I can’t see a smile from here. How about we try Reilly as a tagger, Neil… that was you wasn’t it? The best kick in our team and we’ve got him chasing guernseys!
The medical staff, they’re in on it… Chris Knights is ready to go, Neil… he limps off in the second quarter, same injury, stuffed for the year. Stephen Schwerdt and his ‘revolutionary’ fitness program… everyone’s injured and have we kicked a goal in a last quarter yet?
I’m on to something here. This is sabotage. Well, not anymore. I’m taking charge again and I’m not following anyone’s advice. This is going to be my team. The Crowbots Mk II; the team that Neil built. And we’re going to flood the f___ out of them.
Phil! Lots of work to do. I’ve got a team to rebuild. Boil me up a pot of coffee and get me Robert Shirley’s phone numb-
<Phil Harper throws a glass of cold water over Neil Craig’s face. Neil stands there stunned, dripping wet>
Neil Craig: (breathing heavily) I… I… I don’t know what came over me… guys I’m sorry…
<Neil Craig slumps down on the ground and sits against the wall, head in hands>
Neil Craig: (quietly) I think I’ve been bottling that up for a while… just need some time alone… pick things up again this afternoon maybe…
Phil Harper: Ahh, sure Neil.
<Everyone files out hurriedly leaving Neil Craig alone>
