Best and Worst jokes ever heard...

[King of Ruin]

I phoned my girlfriend, and said, "I was thinking dinner at my place tonight, think you can make it?"

She said, "I'll be there at seven, babe."

I replied, "Make it five, the dinner won't prepare itself."

 

[King of Ruin]

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

And then wait for the items to load.

 

[King of Ruin]

In this case, I don't think a dead body is going to load.

 

[King of Ruin]

For anyone unclear with who Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber are here is a brief description.

Orlando Bloom is a 37 year old English actor best known for his roles in The Lord Of The Rings trilogy and Pirates Of The Caribbean. He also had roles in the award wining films 'Black Hawk Down', 'Troy' and 'Kingdom of Heaven'

And Justin Bieber is a campaigner

 

[Sublime]

What the heck is this campaigner stuff that you're always going on about?

 

[Sin City]

What the heck is this campaigner stuff that you're always going on about?

Type in a nasty word that rhymes with runt and see what comes up

 

[Sublime]

Type in a nasty word that rhymes with runt and see what comes up

Ahhh thanks, makes complete sense now!

 

[King of Ruin]

Ahhh thanks, makes complete sense now!

Gee whizz. You are slow.

 

[Sublime]

Gee whizz. You are slow.

I guess i'd have found out a lot earlier if i copied and pasted jokes with the c bomb in them a bit more often

 

[King of Ruin]

campaigner, I drop c bombs all the time, you don't even know!!!

 

[King of Ruin]

When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It's pain only for others.

It's the same thing when you are stupid.

 

[King of Ruin]

What's worse than having a girlfriend with no ****?

Having no girlfriend and ****.

 

[King of Ruin]

I phoned my boss's mobile. "I'm on the train heading to the south coast now."

"What..?" he answered, sounding a bit annoyed. "It's five o'clock in the ******* morning! What are you doing on a train?"

"You tell me," I replied. "You're the one who told me to be in Brighton early this morning."

 

[King of Ruin]

Parents are worried about two things these days.

1. What their sons download.

2. What their daughters upload.

 

[King of Ruin]

The CIA have nominated ISIS, Al-Qaeda and Boko Haram for the ASL Ice Bucket Challenge.

Or waterboarding, as it was once known.

 

[King of Ruin]

The wife has just nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused.

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

 

[King of Ruin]

So someone on 4Chan has released hacked nude photos of celebrities including Jennifer Lawrence, the Olson twins and Mila Kunis.

On the one hand, this is a disgraceful invasion of privacy but, on the other hand...

...well, that hand is busy.

 

[King of Ruin]

The body of the hacker of the Jennifer Lawrence photos was found earlier.

He's apparently the first man to be Hi 5'd to death.

 

[happydude]

A psychic midget escaped from jail.

He was a small medium at large

 

[I bleed Blue]

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.

 

[happydude]

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.

That's the last straw

 

[Sublime]

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize?

He was out standing in his field.

That's the last straw

You'd have to have no brain to not find these jokes funny!

 

[King of Ruin]

"Breaking News"

The inventor of the Anagram has died...may he "erect a penis"....

 

[King of Ruin]

So Serena and Venus Williams have come out and admitted they are considering sex changes.

I'm not one to judge, if they want to live as women, let them.