Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons.
Best and Worst jokes ever heard...
- Thread starter Marc Shmurf 3
- Start date
- Tagged users None
ferrisb
Brownlow Medallist
Reminds me of my fave religion joke of all time...
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.
So Kim Kardashian's arse is huge and has a lot of oil
I wonder if America will invade it?
Oh wait, my bad, half of America already has.
I wonder if America will invade it?
Oh wait, my bad, half of America already has.
I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak.
But my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.
But my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.
Madonna's 'Like a virgin' came out 30 years ago.
I wonder when her follow up single, Like a hotdog in a hallway is coming out.
I wonder when her follow up single, Like a hotdog in a hallway is coming out.
Whenever my wife goes to the supermarket I always tell her to park in the disabled space.
After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.
After watching her spend 20 minutes trying to reverse into it, nobody is going to question her.
I was starting my new job at the chemist this morning when some bloke walked in.
"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"
I said, "No mate, I feel fine."
"I've got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it's going to explode." he said, "Have you got anything?"
I said, "No mate, I feel fine."
I was reading about this 3 year old kid in China who weighs nearly 9 stone.
His parents say he's so fat he can hardly walk to work in the morning.
His parents say he's so fat he can hardly walk to work in the morning.
- Jul 14, 2012
- 8,766
- 14,104
- AFL Club
- Carlton
Go home.
Na.
I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?"
It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
First God tells us to go forth and multiply, then he tells us not to commit adultery, then a virgin gives birth to his son.
I really don't think he has a ******* clue what he's talking about.
I really don't think he has a ******* clue what he's talking about.
My opinions are like my bed sheets.
I only change them if it helps me get laid.
I only change them if it helps me get laid.
World: We're gonna use the scale where 0° is freezing and 100° is boiling.
America: Cool, we're gonna use the one that doesn't make sense.
America: Cool, we're gonna use the one that doesn't make sense.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone.
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$100 and it's yours."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I said, "$100 and it's yours."
'Meetings' - what a Jamaican calls everything he owns.
An American woman has alleged that Prince Andrew forced her to have sex with him while she was still a minor.
Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has offered the woman a goodwill gift of a trip to Paris complete with chauffeur-driven Mercedes.
Meanwhile, Buckingham Palace has offered the woman a goodwill gift of a trip to Paris complete with chauffeur-driven Mercedes.
My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the * am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the * am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"
You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant
A wife is a bit like an old television.
It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going.
It used to look good, but now it's too big for the room, but you know you can't afford a newer model so you bang it anyway to keep it going.
I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.
I often wonder what she's up to now.
I often wonder what she's up to now.
