I convinced my wife to work for the CIA.
So she wouldn't be allowed to tell me about her day.
So she wouldn't be allowed to tell me about her day.
Best and Worst jokes ever heard...
- Thread starter Marc Shmurf 3
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The word 'efficient' should only have one f.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I used to love the smell of summer meadows. It took me back to playing as a kid.
Now, thanks to Glade, it lets me know when my girlfriend has had a massive dump.
Now, thanks to Glade, it lets me know when my girlfriend has had a massive dump.
ferrisb
Brownlow Medallist
Just got reminded of this joke. An oldie but a goodie.
A man with tickets to the AFL GRAND FINAL finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," says the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL GRAND FINAL and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first GRAND FINAL we haven't been to together since we got married in 1947."
The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A man with tickets to the AFL GRAND FINAL finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," says the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL GRAND FINAL and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first GRAND FINAL we haven't been to together since we got married in 1947."
The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."
lol I like it. Funny AND has a moral - never have a wedding, funeral or any other function on GF day....
YEAH IM TALKING TO YOU CHRIS AND TINA FROM 2010!!
YEAH IM TALKING TO YOU CHRIS AND TINA FROM 2010!!
ferrisb
Brownlow Medallist
Not so sure shanny.
If they made you miss Collingwood winning a premiership, I reckon chris and Tina deserve fricking sainthoods!
Last edited:
- Jul 14, 2012
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Doctor Who joke.
How do Daleks tell eachother apart?
Thay Jast Caan.
How do Daleks tell eachother apart?
Thay Jast Caan.
- Jul 14, 2012
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Might take you a Sec to get it.
Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
What does a Korean need when they're taking their dog out?
Oven gloves.
Oven gloves.
I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.'
You don't need shoes to run, but it ******* helps.
You don't need shoes to run, but it ******* helps.
RedmanWasHere
Rarely in kitchens at parties.
- Aug 23, 2010
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Welcome back KOR, EFME, DOC, IT or whatever you're called.
Missed some of your pearlers.
Missed some of your pearlers.
- Jul 14, 2012
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#savage
AceAndy
Hall of Famer
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Don't encourage him!!!
The worst thing about owls is the way that they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Dramoth
Premium Platinum
worst joke ever... some of our supporters 
Boltfromtheblue
All Australian
- Aug 18, 2009
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There was a young gal name of Sally
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap
Crying, "Gee, Dick, you're right up my alley!"
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap
Crying, "Gee, Dick, you're right up my alley!"
Ego and Super-Ego walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm going to need to see some Id."
The bartender says, "I'm going to need to see some Id."
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the footy on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the Blues with my son-in-law."
What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the footy on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the Blues with my son-in-law."
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
Leaving the car with the mechanic, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
Leaving the car with the mechanic, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
"One man's trash is another man's treasure" is a great saying, but apparently a bad way to tell your kid that they're adopted.
A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. T
The Swede's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.
"You woman of mine! You've no knickers on. Why not?", asked Patrick.
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.
"Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?", Duncan inquired.
She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit."
The Swede's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies.
"You woman of mine! You've no knickers on. Why not?", asked Patrick.
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it.
"Fur Jake's sake, Aggie! Where the friggin hell are yer drawers?", Duncan inquired.
She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb... Tidy yerself up a bit."
Preventing childhood obesity is as easy as taking candy from a baby...
RedmanWasHere
Rarely in kitchens at parties.
- Aug 23, 2010
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Wearing shoes has me soled.
