Opinion Classic Commentator One Liners

[Rankin_1925]

Based on some of the recent comments on various threads, it's pretty apparent that there's a lot of contempt for the majority of the commentators that currently grace our screens. Many of them don't help themselves with their cringe worthy attempts at humour and deserve all the disdain that comes their way. However, there are also plenty of examples over the years of commentators getting a chuckle, intended or unintended, from their audience. Dennis Commetti is the master of the one liner and has produced plenty of witty comments in his long and distinguished career behind the microphone. Some of the (Geelong specific) 'Cometti-isms' that come to mind include:

"Ling's running off the ground a little bit gingerly."

When Mark Bairstow drilled a short pass at Barry Stoneham that went straight through Barry's hands and hit him in the face: "A classic example of kiss my pass."

After a teammate was felled at the MCG, Paul Couch and Garry Hocking, flew the flag. Unfortunately Couch arrived first and promptly hit the deck too: "That was like sending a maître d when they needed a bouncer. Ah, here comes the bouncer."

Brenton Sanderson started his career as a Crow, became a Magpie, but it wasn't until he moved to Geelong that he played his best football and won our 2001 B&F: "He goes much better as a mammal."

One day at Geelong after Ronnie Burns kicked a miraculous goal: "I swear if Ronnie Burns were building a house, he'd start with the roof."

What are some of your favourite one liners / gaffes / comments from past and present commentators?

 

[GeelongFTW]

Big NTTAWWTter



*Said no-one ever

 

[Spazz Cat]

Gold Coast C**ts.

 

[allrighty]

I remember Teddy Whitten dropping the F bomb on 3GL back in the 80's. The commentators could not continue for minutes as Teddy tried to soldier on. He was a master at the double meaning and one of my favourite all time commentators. I was driving and nearly ran off the road.

With Peter (?)* and ex-Cat Brushy a great team.

Sorry for lack of detail, the relevant brain cells gave up long ago.

EDIT: Peter Walshe, now on ABC Grandstand Adelaide. Surprise - that brain cell just kicked in again.

 

[Rankin_1925]

A few more from Cometti for those that are fans:

"Scotty Cummings alone in the square, jumping up and down and waving his arms like they're playing My Sharona."

"Farmer may have an injury to his calf ... hmmm, a farmer with a calf problem."

"Spider had both his legs taken out from under him - leaving only the other six to balance on."

"Ball to Barker to Barlow - The Hawks are attacking alphabetically."

On Melbourne's Adam Yze: "A terrific player . . . terrible scrabble hand."

"Cousins, runs away from Carr ... not the first time we've seen that this season."

About Cameron Cloke who was timing his ruck work badly, something along the lines of: "He leaves his messages before the ‘beep’."

"Hay is bailed up on the boundary line."

"Walker to Carr . . . that's a step up."

"He's made a typo! - he wanted Bickley and he's got Buckley!"

"The Magpies ought to be kicking themselves right now, but with their luck, they'd probably miss."

After Darren Gaspar hits the post from 40 metres out: "Gaspar, the unfriendly post."

"Ashley McIntosh, like a good hair spray ... capable of a subtle hold."

"Ball in dispute, Lamb, now Yze the meat in the sandwich. Really Lamb should be in the sandwich."

 

[Teriyakicat]

I remember hearing about a Carr quip by Commetti but couldn't recall the wording so looked it up- here's somebody else's version:

Fremantle v Port, Josh Carr wearing 9 for Port, crunches his brother Matthew, wearing 9 for Freo.
"How's that, a two Carr collision, both with the same rego!"

 

[Rankin_1925]

Yes, I believe he has used the Carr surname in a couple of his quips. He must spend hours on the porcelain thinking about the one liners he is going to come up with.

 

[Teriyakicat]

Many, many years ago, my Mum gave me a book called "Boot in Mouth: howlers from the footy", which was a collection of funny comments by people such as Jack Dyer etc. I'll try and dig it up and post some comments here later today.
Great thread, by the way, Rankin_1925

 

[Rankin_1925]

Many, many years ago, my Mum gave me a book called "Boot in Mouth: howlers from the footy", which was a collection of funny comments by people such as Jack Dyer etc. I'll try and dig it up and post some comments here later today.
Great thread, by the way, Rankin_1925

Thanks TC. Look forward to some "Boot in Mouth"

 

[Sttew]

"Billy Brownless. The monkey is off your back" my favorite commentator, Sandy Roberts, after Billy kicked the winning goal after the siren in the 92(?) QF

"Judd, Kerr and Cousins are so lucky having big Cox" - Drew Morphett, I believe.

"What more can you say?" Sandy Roberts again, this time on Ablett

 

[Teriyakicat]

From Boot in Mouth:

"The Ablett brothers are hard to tell apart- although one has a beard," Doug Wade.

"The reason Lewis hasn't done too much at centre half-forward is that he's still sitting on the interchange bench," Bob Skilton

"It's not a bad sort of a kick but just off-line- and through for a goal," Lou Richards.

"South Melbourne play better in the rain than they do in the wet," Tom Lahiff.

"Matthews is *ed- but only slightly," Peter Landy.

 

[Teriyakicat]

More from Boot in Mouth:

"If you could put Michael Moncrieff's head on that bloke's shoulders, he'd look exactly like Michael Moncrieff"- Peter McKenna.

"I wish all the players had red hair like Favier- it would be easier to tell them all apart," Peter McKenna.

And, McKenna, speaking about Bobby Skilton, who could kick with either foot-
"After all, Bobby Skilton was amphibious".

 

[Rankin_1925]

I think these last few just about exhaust the Cometti one liners.

"It's a very big crowd tonight with all major genders represented"

When Carr was poleaxed by Trent Croad when they were teammates at Freo: "Carr was just poleaxed by his own teammate. Does that qualify as Croad rage?"

When Mark Williams was on the phone to the bench with no hope of Port winning: "All Mark Williams can be doing now is making nuisance calls"

One day when Shannon Watt was getting toweled up by Matthew Lloyd: "Right now Shannon Watt looks like a man in a darkened room trying to discover where all the furniture is"

"Russell Robertson has come back looking like Tutankhamen. That's no relation to Phil Carman"

Upon Chris Johnson overlooking an obvious handball to a teammate "On that occasion he violated the golden rule of kindergarten. He didn't play well with others"

After a player missed an easy shot at goal: "Not often you see that, players quoting Shakespeare. I'm sure he said Puck"

"The MCG is a lonely place, there's Kevin Sheedy still on the phone. He knows the Bombers can't win but there is some good news. At least, unlike the rest of us, I bet he's not talking to an operator in Brisbane"

"Brett Johnson has become a leather magnet. And before you say there's no such thing, spare a thought for my wife and my wallet"

Referring to a young Campbell Brown: "This young man is very impressive, and unlike his father, he doesn't treat the rules like amber traffic lights"

"When Anthony Rocca backs into a pack, he beeps"

"Nobody was near him but Chick simply ran the ball across the goal line. Why? I suppose to get to the other side"

On former hard working Essendon midfielder, Jason Johnson: "Johnson never stops. He's like a bricklayer who gets paid by the row"

"Richmond have confused tackling with trout fishing: there's a lot of catch and release"

When it was raining heavily: "I suppose pelting is okay ... unless you're a beaver"

"Chambers has spent so much time on the bench this season he probably gets his mail delivered there"

"Exquisite goal by Glendinning. Great judgment! That was a Rock Hudson kick. It looked straight but it wasn't"

"Talk about a baby face. Ty Zantuck looks younger than my good shoes"

"The Saints have had more five year plans than Fidel Castro"

"Steve Wallis had no idea Hanna was about to tackle him. It happened so quickly he's stunned. He's probably thinking he was nabbed by a roll-on deodorant stick"

 

[Lana]

"The days of domination are over" (2010)

 

[Teriyakicat]

BiM-

"Mark Lee's long arms reaching up like giant testicles,"- Jack Dyer

Fitzroy has "copulated to the opposition," - Jack Dyer

"He bursts out of the pack holding the Sherrin- not Tom, one of his balls,"- ABC commentator.

And Gareth Andrews had an unfortunate spoonerism which converted an attempt to say the "Stanley Tools Windsock is limp" into a comment about Stanley Windsock.

 

[rocker_oz33]

From last night "west coast play teams in the bottom6 after this match they could get some wins up or lose or lose them"....really.

 

[Teriyakicat]

BiM

"Carlton are one hundred and eleventeen,"- Harry Beitzel

"This is the kind of goal that you either get or you don't,"- Bob Skilton

"He shoots, but it's just outside the goldfish,"- Rex Hunt

"It's a magnificent kick from Daicos- well, it would have been magnificent but it went out on the full,"- Peter McKenna

"Button could come undone here,"- Lou Richards

"Foschini nearly had his head pulled off- Featherby goes to ground and picks it up and boots it 40 metres down the ground,"- bill Jacobs

"He's probably got a bruised hand, he's had so many kicks," - Lou Richards

"You could count Shimma's kicks on one hand- he's had seven,"- Drew Morphett

"The goalposts are moving so fast I can't keep up with the play,"- Jack Dyer

"The ground here is like a round circle,"- Harry Beitzel

"They've got a couple of good players in Harvey,"- Jack Dyer

"Bartlett's older than he's ever been before,"- Jack Dyer

"That's the beauty of being small- your hands are close to your feet,"- Jack Dyer

 

[Rankin_1925]

Unlike Cometti, Dermott Brereton's one-liners are funny for all the wrong reasons.

"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical"

"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centre man in the AFL, but there are none better"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer"

 

[Teriyakicat]

Unlike Cometti, Dermott Brereton's one-liners are funny for all the wrong reasons.

"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical"

"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centre man in the AFL, but there are none better"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw"

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer"

Hahaha! That last one reminds me of a quote from "A Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy"- talking about the Vogon ships:
"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

 

[Teriyakicat]

More from Commetti- courtesy of Bart from redandwhiteonline. (Apologies for any doubles- I think I deleted all of them, plus some obscure quotes)

"Solomon not quite showing the wisdom of his namesake with some of his decision making."

"He took a divot bigger than Peter Bell!"

"Never moon a werewolf"

"Looks like Leigh Browns picked up a bit of pace since moving to North. Might have something to do with getting rid of that anchor"

�Baghdad End�. MCG where all of the demolition/construction work is in progress

"Why would he do that. There's more cameras here than Tokyo airport"

"There were a lot of arms but no sign of Hans Blix"

"Spider Burton......like Pavarotti on a skateboard!"

"There's talk of Karl Langdon offering his services to St Kilda, as if it wasn't bad enough being in 15th position"

"Smith kicks it to Brown, off a step, looking for Jones obviously....anything but, it's Giansiracusa."

"Sydney just need 99 of him and they'd be floating!" (Talking about TROY LUFF

"I guess he thought; 'What's another fifty metres when we've come three and a half thousands k's'!" (During the Freo/Brisbane game, in the first quarter Koops gave away a 50 metre penalty.)

"I can't remember what happened - checking it on the computer, the necktop not working like it used to."

"How do you beat Rehn? Where's Stimpy???"

"As Nelly would say, it's gettin' hot in here"

"Like a Melbourne Tram, a lot jumped on but nothing was paid"

'He had delusions of adequacy'

"Andrew Walker really needs to do more. He was sensational on debut...right up there with Billy Ray Cyrus!"

"As cool as the other side of the pillow"

"He was like a Bombay train. They were hanging off him in all directions."

"Takes the mark on one knee, as if receiving a knighthood."

"The Bombers started this quarter looking heavily sedated."

"....and the attendance today, 82,000, thanks to the Iraqi Information Minister...." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

" Brisbane are like a boa constrictor - they squeeze the life out of you" Camera pans to Matthews in the coaches box - "There's the snake charmer"

"Never trust a man in a helmet with darting eyes."

"Tyson Edwards has almost graduated up to Adelaide's upper-echelon of midfielders... he's like Ringo Starr, he's up there but he's not quite there"

"Macintosh draped over him and it's not raining."

"Slow delivery here, a pizza would be quicker"

"It's like a self-saucing pudding in there - players just waiting for the whistle".

"Everyone wants to be Gladys Knight but nobody wants to be the Pips."

"A bit of a scuffle....obviously someone suggested the red wine with the fish."

"Rioli Lends his weight... which is substantial"

"Richmond attack through the corridor in this case the Hall."

"Libba went into the pack optimistically and came out misty optically."

"Ball in dispute, Lamb, now Yze the meat in the sandwich. Really, Lamb should be in the sandwich."

"Great stuff by Caracella - moments before McIntosh had treated him like a rent-a-car."

"Gaspar, the unfriendly post."

'It looks like Banfield is coming off. See, i'll never understand that, i want to speak to the coach- he hasn't done a thing wrong all day, so why bench him?'

'Cummings goes to mark... hmm, looks like the saddlebags are weighing him down a little.'

and after the Mcmanus/Wirrpunda clash a few derbies back. 'Shaun goes back to collect the ball, a free kick, and several teeth.'

"Ugle playing on Peter Matera, fumbling around for the ball and probably his autograph book..."

1989 - SCHWASS playing for Kangaroos, takes a one handed mark low to the ground against the Swans. DENNIS: "look at that, I s'pose we could call that a 'Schwass-Sticker'.

"Ashley McIntosh, like a good hair spray...capable of a subtle hold"

"He sensed the danger, and dropped back into the hole"

"To Tarrant, still trying to get the ice out of his hair"

"that's not one for the time capsule"

"Bell bringing the ball out of the back line.....looking for wide runners.....passes to Walker...a contradiction in terms, really"

"Metropolis kicking from the city end"

"...kicks to Farmer.....sat next to him at the wrestling last night. (pause)....probably not the best place to be for a person under going anger management classes."

"Kevin Sheedy, who was coaching Essendon 14 years before Adelaide was founded. The team, not the city."

"McLeod is starting to get a lot of the ball...it is since they started booing him...my advice to the crowd would be...SHUUUT-UP!"

"The only change to the Eagles side is that Rowan Jones has had a haircut"

"those Collingwood supporters look like they've taken time off working on their Phd's to be here today..."

"Remember the name Y-Z-E - terrific young player, bad Scrabble h

"Parker to Carr......sounds like a match made in heaven!"

"Carr drives along the the wing..."

"Carr....parked alongside the boundary."

"Carr in heavy traffic"

"Carr drives into space"

"Casanova would be jealous of that pick up"

Dennis: King to Ling
Dermott: Just forward of the wing
Dennis: Don't you start!

"....[player] working in a phone booth, does well!"

"That was the third of two options".

"It's a goal! A dream start for Hawthorn. Spider had both his legs taken out from under him - leaving only the other six to balance on....."

"Buckley's about to enter the stadium!" on Nathan Buckley's endurance and workrate a majority of the way through the final term (Bucks had run 19 KM during the course of the game, according to an onscreen stat... and think "Olympic marathon" here)...

"that was a case of being very hard to keep up with the Jones' "

"German shepherds" for Peter German

"And he's marked it like it was room service!"

'Another late night drinker..' to the caller who asked if Denis was ever going to coach an AFL club

 

[allrighty]

"The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't."

The books, the radio show, the videos and the fillum. All great. Douglas Adams hero worship.

 

[manboob]

I don't think anything will really top this call.

NSFW or childrens.

 

[Teriyakicat]

I don't think anything will really top this call.

NSFW or childrens.

 

[Teriyakicat]

The books, the radio show, the videos and the fillum. All great. Douglas Adams hero worship.

Funnily enough, I was actually first introduced to the Hitch-hiker's Guide via an old 33 LP record Didn't buy the books until a couple of years later

 

[allrighty]

Funnily enough, I was actually first introduced to the Hitch-hiker's Guide via an old 33 LP record Didn't buy the books until a couple of years later

Me too, and still have a copy on vinyl.