Croweater's thread of not-so-erotic fiction

[Croweater]

Yay, I have my own thread.

Essentially, I got kicked out of the Awkward Flirting Stories thread on account of my stories not actually being Awkward Flirting Stories.

Mostly, anyway.

What you're about to read is a concotion of my stories all with a healthy accompaniment of mayo, a few jimmies being rustled, a few posters being melty, and me being melty; the sum of which resulted in my eventual banishment from the AFS thread.

Enjoy.

================================================================


Okay, I have an update.

So three weeks ago, I kind of made a tit of myself in front of this girl I like. You can read all about it here: http://www.bigfooty.com/forum/threads/awkward-flirting-stories.831388/page-323

So, she pissed off for a few weeks to go on a ski trip and I thought I'd messed everything up. On an unrelated note, while she was away, I got up to a bit of mischief with a couple of girls because I assumed any hope of something happening was gone (Oops). When she got back last week, she was friendly with me. I took BigFooty's advice and didn't put my foot in it, but apologised for the way I handled the situation. She told me that it wasn't a problem and we've continued things the way they were previously.

All good, right? Wrong.

On the weekend I got on the raspberry cordial. I had a lot of cordial. Way too much cordial. Drinking that much in 2015 is a massive mistake, because people enjoy documenting every facet of their lives on social media. So there I was with one of my best mates, pissed as all f*ck, acting like an absolute dickhead. He filmed me multiple times going "Woooooo!" and "Owwwwwwww!" before filming me changing the lyrics of J-Kwon's Tipsy from "Errrrbody in the club gettin' tipsy" to "Errrrbody in the club gets ****!". As amusing and startlingly accurate as my lyric change seemed to everyone around me, when that s**t is captured and compiled into a snapstory reminiscent of a Hangover-esque sequence of alcohol-fuelled series of unfortunate events, it has the potential to come back and bite you on the arse.

This morning I was at work, having a bit of cheeky banter with the girl I like. Do you remember that girl who sold me out for being on Tinder in front of said girl? Well, Hurricane Natalie struck again. It turns out that she is friends with that good mate of mine, and they are also friends on Snapchat. She comes in, yelling "Oh my god, you have to see this!". Keep in mind I had seen the snapstory many times and I had spent the majority of Sunday getting texts from mates saying how funny the video was. She comes over to us while we were chatting and starts playing the video. As soon as I see the dark screen with patches of blue light and my face clear as day planted across it, I knew exactly what it was.

"Holy motherf*cking s**t", I thought. This is not good at all.

Going "Wooooo!" and "Owwwww!" is perfectly fine. It makes it clear you are having a great time. The second part was the part I was dreading the girl seeing. On it comes. "Errrrbody in the club gets ****!!! Errrrrrrrrrrbody in the club gets ****!!!", I yelled, with mates in the background in tears.

She gave me the exact look as that Emma Watson photo on page 323. "Wow, you look like you had a good time", she said, less than impressed.

"Yeah, probably not my finest moment".

Hurricane Natalie finally realised, even after the Tinder incident, what she had done. I like this girl, she likes me, and now it may be well and truly screwed.

These stories probably give you the impression that the girl I like has her head up her arse, but in reality she's an intelligent girl (who also enjoys a drink) who likes me for my intelligence. I did probably the most immature thing short of getting my nutsack out in the office, which understandably made me seem a bit off. I can use the alcohol excuse, but I copped out big time during #Tindergate and I don't want copping out to be a dominant characteristic of my personality.

So I told her I should get back to my desk and I haven't heard from her since. Hurricane Natalie came over and apologised, so it was hard to be too pissed off at her.

I don't care too much for warning signs. But maybe all of these things happening are signs that nothing will ever happen.

Or maybe, and this is just a thought, I shouldn't get blind drunk, act like a dickhead, let my mate take video of me being blind drunk and acting like a dickhead, and then have the video uploaded to social media.

 

[HirdyLannister]

Revenge bang Natalie, problem solved.

 

[Vekgib]

Okay, I have an update.

So three weeks ago, I kind of made a tit of myself in front of this girl I like. You can read all about it here: http://www.bigfooty.com/forum/threads/awkward-flirting-stories.831388/page-323

So, she pissed off for a few weeks to go on a ski trip and I thought I'd messed everything up. On an unrelated note, while she was away, I got up to a bit of mischief with a couple of girls because I assumed any hope of something happening was gone (Oops). When she got back last week, she was friendly with me. I took BigFooty's advice and didn't put my foot in it, but apologised for the way I handled the situation. She told me that it wasn't a problem and we've continued things the way they were previously.

All good, right? Wrong.

On the weekend I got on the raspberry cordial. I had a lot of cordial. Way too much cordial. Drinking that much in 2015 is a massive mistake, because people enjoy documenting every facet of their lives on social media. So there I was with one of my best mates, pissed as all f*ck, acting like an absolute dickhead. He filmed me multiple times going "Woooooo!" and "Owwwwwwww!" before filming me changing the lyrics of J-Kwon's Tipsy from "Errrrbody in the club gettin' tipsy" to "Errrrbody in the club gets ****!". As amusing and startlingly accurate as my lyric change seemed to everyone around me, when that s**t is captured and compiled into a snapstory reminiscent of a Hangover-esque sequence of alcohol-fuelled series of unfortunate events, it has the potential to come back and bite you on the arse.

This morning I was at work, having a bit of cheeky banter with the girl I like. Do you remember that girl who sold me out for being on Tinder in front of said girl? Well, Hurricane Natalie struck again. It turns out that she is friends with that good mate of mine, and they are also friends on Snapchat. She comes in, yelling "Oh my god, you have to see this!". Keep in mind I had seen the snapstory many times and I had spent the majority of Sunday getting texts from mates saying how funny the video was. She comes over to us while we were chatting and starts playing the video. As soon as I see the dark screen with patches of blue light and my face clear as day planted across it, I knew exactly what it was.

"Holy motherf*cking s**t", I thought. This is not good at all.

Going "Wooooo!" and "Owwwww!" is perfectly fine. It makes it clear you are having a great time. The second part was the part I was dreading the girl seeing. On it comes. "Errrrbody in the club gets ****!!! Errrrrrrrrrrbody in the club gets ****!!!", I yelled, with mates in the background in tears.

She gave me the exact look as that Emma Watson photo on page 323. "Wow, you look like you had a good time", she said, less than impressed.

"Yeah, probably not my finest moment".

Hurricane Natalie finally realised, even after the Tinder incident, what she had done. I like this girl, she likes me, and now it may be well and truly screwed.

These stories probably give you the impression that the girl I like has her head up her arse, but in reality she's an intelligent girl (who also enjoys a drink) who likes me for my intelligence. I did probably the most immature thing short of getting my nutsack out in the office, which understandably made me seem a bit off. I can use the alcohol excuse, but I copped out big time during #Tindergate and I don't want copping out to be a dominant characteristic of my personality.

So I told her I should get back to my desk and I haven't heard from her since. Hurricane Natalie came over and apologised, so it was hard to be too pissed off at her.

I don't care too much for warning signs. But maybe all of these things happening are signs that nothing will ever happen.

Or maybe, and this is just a thought, I shouldn't get blind drunk, act like a dickhead, let my mate take video of me being blind drunk and acting like a dickhead, and then have the video uploaded to social media.

What's the go with Hurricane Natalie paying you out at every opportunity ?
Maybe she's a bit jelly of you going after some intelligent crumpet.

 

[Pea Nut]

Yep, that Natalie chick is seriously utensil blocking you !!!

 

[I Lost My Keays]

f**king Natalie

 

[SugarShane]

What's the go with Hurricane Natalie paying you out at every opportunity ?
Maybe she's a bit jelly of you going after some intelligent crumpet.

All signs point to Natalie being territorial on account of being keen for the Croweater D.

 

[Sublime]

I still don't see the issue with the snapchat. Sounds like she has her undies all twisted up.

 

[toxic]

Okay, I have an update.

So three weeks ago, I kind of made a tit of myself in front of this girl I like. You can read all about it here: http://www.bigfooty.com/forum/threads/awkward-flirting-stories.831388/page-323

So, she pissed off for a few weeks to go on a ski trip and I thought I'd messed everything up. On an unrelated note, while she was away, I got up to a bit of mischief with a couple of girls because I assumed any hope of something happening was gone (Oops). When she got back last week, she was friendly with me. I took BigFooty's advice and didn't put my foot in it, but apologised for the way I handled the situation. She told me that it wasn't a problem and we've continued things the way they were previously.

All good, right? Wrong.

On the weekend I got on the raspberry cordial. I had a lot of cordial. Way too much cordial. Drinking that much in 2015 is a massive mistake, because people enjoy documenting every facet of their lives on social media. So there I was with one of my best mates, pissed as all f*ck, acting like an absolute dickhead. He filmed me multiple times going "Woooooo!" and "Owwwwwwww!" before filming me changing the lyrics of J-Kwon's Tipsy from "Errrrbody in the club gettin' tipsy" to "Errrrbody in the club gets ****!". As amusing and startlingly accurate as my lyric change seemed to everyone around me, when that s**t is captured and compiled into a snapstory reminiscent of a Hangover-esque sequence of alcohol-fuelled series of unfortunate events, it has the potential to come back and bite you on the arse.

This morning I was at work, having a bit of cheeky banter with the girl I like. Do you remember that girl who sold me out for being on Tinder in front of said girl? Well, Hurricane Natalie struck again. It turns out that she is friends with that good mate of mine, and they are also friends on Snapchat. She comes in, yelling "Oh my god, you have to see this!". Keep in mind I had seen the snapstory many times and I had spent the majority of Sunday getting texts from mates saying how funny the video was. She comes over to us while we were chatting and starts playing the video. As soon as I see the dark screen with patches of blue light and my face clear as day planted across it, I knew exactly what it was.

"Holy motherf*cking s**t", I thought. This is not good at all.

Going "Wooooo!" and "Owwwww!" is perfectly fine. It makes it clear you are having a great time. The second part was the part I was dreading the girl seeing. On it comes. "Errrrbody in the club gets ****!!! Errrrrrrrrrrbody in the club gets ****!!!", I yelled, with mates in the background in tears.

She gave me the exact look as that Emma Watson photo on page 323. "Wow, you look like you had a good time", she said, less than impressed.

"Yeah, probably not my finest moment".

Hurricane Natalie finally realised, even after the Tinder incident, what she had done. I like this girl, she likes me, and now it may be well and truly screwed.

These stories probably give you the impression that the girl I like has her head up her arse, but in reality she's an intelligent girl (who also enjoys a drink) who likes me for my intelligence. I did probably the most immature thing short of getting my nutsack out in the office, which understandably made me seem a bit off. I can use the alcohol excuse, but I copped out big time during #Tindergate and I don't want copping out to be a dominant characteristic of my personality.

So I told her I should get back to my desk and I haven't heard from her since. Hurricane Natalie came over and apologised, so it was hard to be too pissed off at her.

I don't care too much for warning signs. But maybe all of these things happening are signs that nothing will ever happen.

Or maybe, and this is just a thought, I shouldn't get blind drunk, act like a dickhead, let my mate take video of me being blind drunk and acting like a dickhead, and then have the video uploaded to social media.

Yep revenge nail hurricane natalie jut video it and post it online

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

I still don't see the issue with the snapchat. Sounds like she has her undies all twisted up.

Exactly, she doesn't sound fun at all

Besides, who cares if you're on tinder? It's a bit of banter ffs

 

[Croweater]

I know it seems like she isn't fun, but when someone you really like is first of all trawling through Tinder only ten minutes before flirting with you, and when they do something really immature when one of the motivating factors for liking them is their intelligence, then you can understand why she was less than impressed.

In reality, we are very similar, we both take the piss out of each other, she's incredibly intelligent, she's really nice, and she's a stunner. She may frown upon a couple of things, but by and large she's a top girl.

 

[Sublime]

Well if she clearly knows you're intelligent, and she has a sense of humour too, what's wrong with some childish singing when drunk? It's petty if you ask me.

 

[Resistor]

Yeah the snapchat wasn't that bad. Could have been with another girl yelling it; could have been much worse.

 

[MrsEddieBetts]

I mean really. I make up songs like that all the time...is it really that big of a deal?
I know you're saying that she has a good sense of humour but from where I'm sitting she seems like a bit of a stick in the mud.

 

[Duritz]

Yep revenge nail hurricane natalie jut video it and post it online

Lol... Sounds great in theory but you just know Hermione Hardarse is going to see it.

 

[The Half Back]

Sounds like Hurricaine Natalie is trying to scare off your "Emma Watson" so she can ride your magic wad croweater.

 

[Croweater]

Thanks for the tips and wise words legends!

What's the go with Hurricane Natalie paying you out at every opportunity ?
Maybe she's a bit jelly of you going after some intelligent crumpet.

Yep, that Natalie chick is seriously utensil blocking you !!!

f**king Natalie

All signs point to Natalie being territorial on account of being keen for the Croweater D.

Sounds like Hurricaine Natalie is trying to scare off your "Emma Watson" so she can ride your magic wad croweater.

She better not have a thing for me! She's a pain in the arse! I doubt she likes me anyway. I just think she acts without thinking about the potential impacts of her actions.

Well if she clearly knows you're intelligent, and she has a sense of humour too, what's wrong with some childish singing when drunk? It's petty if you ask me.

I mean really. I make up songs like that all the time...is it really that big of a deal?
I know you're saying that she has a good sense of humour but from where I'm sitting she seems like a bit of a stick in the mud.

I know exactly how it looks. I think she puts me on a pedestal and if I do anything that goes against her inflated opinion of me, she takes it harder than should be the case. For example, on Thursday we went to lunch and we were talking about Grey's Anatomy because she likes that show. I asked the question "McDreamy or McSteamy?" (Don't judge me. My mum used to make me watch it with her ). "If I had to pick, I'd say McDreamy". "Oh, me too" I countered, jokingly. She burst into laughter, then proceeded to touch my hand, smiling at me. After a few minutes of me saying a few sweet things to her (things I won't reveal on here at the risk of being mocked!), she had this look of wonderment in her eyes. So yeah, she does put me on a pedestal.

I just have to let her know that occasionally I'm going to make a tit of myself and that's something she's going to have to accept.

She ended up saying she was sorry if she seemed annoyed and that we all do stupid s**t while we're drunk. So I think it should be okay. Though knowing me, I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

[bok_party]

If anything, it's better that you made a tit of yourself. Shows you aren't afraid to be yourself, have a laugh and are confident.

Works for me haha.

 

[LukasTheGreat]

I think there's a good chance she didn't really care about the snapchat and you're just being a paranoid bitch. Stop stressing so much.

 

[LicoriceAllsorts]

She's wrapped around your finger ffs

 

[MrsEddieBetts]

Ughhh who wants to be put on a pedestal?

 

[craigos]

Ughhh who wants to be put on a pedestal?

 

[Sublime]

To be honest if she's got you on a pedestal and she really is that into you, then we shouldn't even be having this conversation right now! She should be signed, sealed and delivered

Secondly, if she is put off over such minor things, let that be a big warning light for a future together.

Thirdly, do not let on that you're willing to watch rom coms with her, you're opening yourself to a whole other world of hurt!

 

[Brad Goodman]

I know it seems like she isn't fun, but when someone you really like is first of all trawling through Tinder only ten minutes before flirting with you, and when they do something really immature when one of the motivating factors for liking them is their intelligence, then you can understand why she was less than impressed.

In reality, we are very similar, we both take the piss out of each other, she's incredibly intelligent, she's really nice, and she's a stunner. She may frown upon a couple of things, but by and large she's a top girl.

She seems to take herself rather seriously.

 

[Drama]

OP, please change title to 'Natalie is a smug campaigner'

 

[Croweater]

I think there's a good chance she didn't really care about the snapchat and you're just being a paranoid bitch. Stop stressing so much.

A bit of both to be honest. She herself said that she came across as being annoyed. But of course I'm paranoid. I like her a lot and I do get worried that me being 'me' will continue to get me into trouble. If she sees a certain video from 2009, I'm well and truly f*cked, and with good reason! I agree with what you said, although 'bitch' might be a bit too rough a description!

She's wrapped around your finger ffs

Other way around, unfortunately.

To be honest if she's got you on a pedestal and she really is that into you, then we shouldn't even be having this conversation right now! She should be signed, sealed and delivered

Secondly, if she is put off over such minor things, let that be a big warning light for a future together.

Thirdly, do not let on that you're willing to watch rom coms with her, you're opening yourself to a whole other world of hurt!

Well being on a pedestal isn't a good thing. It's needing to live up to lofty expectations set upon you by another person. I need her to lower her expectations.

I don't mind romantic comedies actually. After years of my mum and sister making me watch them, I don't mind watching 90 minutes of formulaic 'will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever' conceptions of romance. The movie actually has to be funny, though.

Ughhh who wants to be put on a pedestal?

No one. Living up to unrealistic expectations is near on impossible.

I read that in Chris O'Dowd's voice. Funny bastard.

OP, please change title to 'Natalie is a smug campaigner'

I concur.