Funny sayings!

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Slax said:
Like getting flogged by a lettuce leaf
As limp as a wet lettuce leaf
As useful as a pussy in a gay bar
Has a face even a mother couldn't love
As popular as laxatives in the retirement home
Click to expand...
In a similar vein, I will come down on you like a tonne of feathers !!

To someone not co-ordinated, or who was clumsy - Mate, If you fell over you'd miss the floor!
 
Heard one on a movie the other day - He's a public servant, if he jumped out the window, he'd take a week to hit the ground.
 
My grandmother used to say when I asked whats for dinner
Bread and duck under the table.

Sent from my GT-I9100T using Tapatalk
 

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after a heavy night on the drink he "was shaking like a shitting dog!"

as much use as a chocolate utensil!
as useful as... ...a sun roof on a submarine ...or an ashtray on a motorbike

Id crawl through broken glass just to w*nk in her shadow
Id walk over hot coals just to drop a pebble in her turd
she has caused more spilled seed than Muhammad Ali at a bird feeder


She had a face like a welders bench (as said about a girl with bad acne)
She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back
Look's like she's been bobbing for apples in a... ....chip pan; a tank full of piranahs
Had more hands up her than sooty!
Shes got a face like a dug licking piss off a thistle.
She's got a face that could make an onion cry.
I wouldn't ride her into battle.
She smells like an alkies carpet
It's like shaggin a pail of water.
She's killed more utensils than a fowl butcher
Face like a sand blasted tomato
She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
She's seen more helmets than Hitler
Face like a stunt man's knee
She's seen more cockends than weekends
Fanny like a... ...clowns pocket or ... a wizards sleeve ...a yawning hippo ....a ripped out fireplace
She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out
Face like a blind joiners thumb
Even the tide wouldnt take her out
Got more finger prints on her than scotland yard
Does yer dad have a beard or was that yer mum doing handstands at the window again?
Shes seen mare stiffs than Quincy!
her arse was that fat that the last time I saw pockets that far apart was on a snooker table
Shes got a face a skin head would not kick
Gotta face like a carpet fitters knee
It looks like her face has been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!
She has seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician
She's done more lengths than Mark Spitz
She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo
 
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Life is like a team of huskies - if you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving probably isn't for you.

Research has shown that 1 in 4 people is mentally unstable. Interview 3 friends - if they're OK, you're it.

If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
 
Heard a funny one today...

A daughter ran in a race and told her dad that she came 2nd. He replied "That means you were first of the losers" :) hahahaha
 
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight tend to live a little longer than the men who mention it.

Stop trying to work out who will wear the pants in your relationship. Relationships work best when NOBODY is wearing pants.
 
I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
 
Double the Fist said:
Hello all, I am a big fan of old and funny sayings.
As I am always in the market for new material, I thought I'd share some of my favourites including a very funny one I hard yesterday. I hope you will share some too.
eg.....
- As rough as hession undies!
- As strong as an acre of Garlic!
- As useful and a wheel on a walking stick!

and my favourite so far...
- As useful as Anne Frank's drum kit!

:thumbsu:
Click to expand...
Couldn't organise a f*** in a brothel with a fistful of fivers!
 
PuntRoad Celt said:
after a heavy night on the drink he "was shaking like a shitting dog!"

as much use as a chocolate utensil!
as useful as... ...a sun roof on a submarine ...or an ashtray on a motorbike

Id crawl through broken glass just to w*nk in her shadow
Id walk over hot coals just to drop a pebble in her turd
she has caused more spilled seed than Muhammad Ali at a bird feeder


She had a face like a welders bench (as said about a girl with bad acne)
She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back
Look's like she's been bobbing for apples in a... ....chip pan; a tank full of piranahs
Had more hands up her than sooty!
Shes got a face like a dug licking piss off a thistle.
She's got a face that could make an onion cry.
I wouldn't ride her into battle.
She smells like an alkies carpet
It's like shaggin a pail of water.
She's killed more utensils than a fowl butcher
Face like a sand blasted tomato
She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
She's seen more helmets than Hitler
Face like a stunt man's knee
She's seen more cockends than weekends
Fanny like a... ...clowns pocket or ... a wizards sleeve ...a yawning hippo ....a ripped out fireplace
She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out
Face like a blind joiners thumb
Even the tide wouldnt take her out
Got more finger prints on her than scotland yard
Does yer dad have a beard or was that yer mum doing handstands at the window again?
Shes seen mare stiffs than Quincy!
her arse was that fat that the last time I saw pockets that far apart was on a snooker table
Shes got a face a skin head would not kick
Gotta face like a carpet fitters knee
It looks like her face has been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!
She has seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician
She's done more lengths than Mark Spitz
She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo
Click to expand...
I'd crawl across 5 miles of broken glass to kiss the utensil of the bloke who last f***ed her
 
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