Help a journo out

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thetradesman

Norm Smith Medallist
Sep 15, 2013
7,503
3,165
AFL Club
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wowlace

Norm Smith Medallist
Feb 15, 2010
5,936
6,411
Kewarra Beach
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Melbourne
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Hey guys!

I want to be a journalist and have wrote some articles. Would appreciate some feedback!

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/01/30/collingwoods-season-could-be-another-topsy-turvy-ride/

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/03/12/can-the-adelaide-crows-live-up-to-the-hype/

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/03/16/2015-the-year-of-the-cats/

These are the ones I have wrote so far, do about one a week. would appreciate feedback!

I'm not an expert, I found your articles read like forum posts. You seem to write like you would speak. If you really want to be a journo I would go to school. Sorry man, I just found your articles difficult to read in parts. Also, your points on players and teams seem to be anecdotal, provide some statistics or at least some more reasoning for your opinions. You don't really sway into believing your predictions could have any merit.
 

HTPunter

Brownlow Medallist
Sep 27, 2014
10,795
14,995
AFL Club
North Melbourne
I'm not an expert, I found your articles read like forum posts. You seem to write like you would speak. If you really want to be a journo I would go to school. Sorry man, I just found your articles difficult to read in parts. Also, your points on players and teams seem to be anecdotal, provide some statistics or at least some more reasoning for your opinions. You don't really sway into believing your predictions could have any merit.

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/special-features/mikes-top-50/story-fnmusqjy-1227075594656

30. Matthew Broadbent (Port Adelaide)

Wouldn't worry about providing reasoning...
 
Hey guys!

I want to be a journalist and have wrote some articles. Would appreciate some feedback!



http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/03/16/2015-the-year-of-the-cats/

These are the ones I have wrote so far, do about one a week. would appreciate feedback!
Love your piece on the Cats!! Its the only one I read. Perhaps needs more meat but your conclusion is sound! Spell check wouldn't hurt either (e.g., paring = pairing).
I always say follow your dream, and in the age of social media and on-line forums there is room for plenty of writers. Not sure if it will be lucrative.....
 

Chad WinGOAT

Senior List
May 22, 2014
246
472
Adelaide
AFL Club
Port Adelaide
Only read the crows article. Being in SA I'm more knowledgeable on an SA team than the other two.
That being said, it honestly read like there wasn't too much research put into the piece. Statistical analysis can often be a misrepresentation of players ability, but some stats are useful in backing up your assertions.

The big question mark on the Crows 2015 season is their tall defence. Replacing Rutten who recently retired and Otten out for the year with an ACL. No mention of these guys. Who will step up for them in 2015 to solidify a spot in the 8? That's what you need to cover.

Also, I think you made a typo error listing Charlie Cameron (20 y.o. 5 game player) as a mature small forward. I'm presuming you meant Eddie Betts.
 

HTPunter

Brownlow Medallist
Sep 27, 2014
10,795
14,995
AFL Club
North Melbourne
I thought this was going to be a thread where people post 'insider' info for the professional journos who clearly read this forum.

Most journalists have similar brain capacity as Homer in your picture

Hey guys!

I want to be a journalist and have wrote some articles. Would appreciate some feedback!

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/01/30/collingwoods-season-could-be-another-topsy-turvy-ride/

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/03/12/can-the-adelaide-crows-live-up-to-the-hype/

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/03/16/2015-the-year-of-the-cats/

These are the ones I have wrote so far, do about one a week. would appreciate feedback!

Not a bad effort really. Summed up teams fairly well. If you wanted to get further into the game, my 3 points of advice would be

1) Editing - make sure players are named correctly (Hamish McIntosh instead of Mcintosh), as well as general spell-check etc

2) Write more in-depth. I'd honestly suggest Bigfooty Club boards as a place to start. Rather than simply talking up Tex Walker, Dangerfield, Sloane, or the top 4 players in each line for Geelong, I'd look to come up with some new angles when predicting a teams season. "Cam Ellis-Yolmen and Matt Crouch are two young exciting inside midfielders who have a window of opportunity with Scott Thompson out with a hamstring" etc. People know who the guns are, the more interesting reading is the fringe/young players. The improvement in teams is likely to come from that area.

3) Keep writing and putting your product out there! People won't take notice or give advice if you aren't writing as much. One a week is a good start but maybe even see where else you can have opportunities.

I'm not a journalist, but that would be my advice. Like I said, not a bad start really! Just put out some more words in the articles (if you're not limited by the webpage) and look for different angles.

edit: When I say look at Bigfooty club boards, a good way to do it would be (to be polite) ask around and see if there is anyone who attends club trainings, has the inside word...
 
Aug 13, 2006
14,778
13,879
Melbourne
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Geelong for 2nd place? Mitch Clark will help if he stays fit but it's still a lonely Joel Selwood surrounded by youngsters and veterans in that midfield and the backline is bordering on geriatric even if Harry Taylor will start the year better than he did last year. Top 4 still a stretch for the Cats, yet alone second.
 

thetradesman

Norm Smith Medallist
Sep 15, 2013
7,503
3,165
AFL Club
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Arsenal, Browns, Clips, Renegades
Thanks for the feedback guys!

Will take it all in.
 

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Hey guys!

I want to be a journalist and have wrote some articles.

Written. ;)

Pretty good articles, just keep practicing, will take some time to get comfortable with writing. Look at how the pros structure their articles, the flow, etc. All you need now are some fictional sources. :p
 

hawker19

Senior List
Jan 9, 2007
195
341
Geelong
AFL Club
Hawthorn
Hey guys!

I want to be a journalist and have wrote some articles. Would appreciate some feedback!

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/01/30/collingwoods-season-could-be-another-topsy-turvy-ride/

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/03/12/can-the-adelaide-crows-live-up-to-the-hype/

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/03/16/2015-the-year-of-the-cats/

These are the ones I have wrote so far, do about one a week. would appreciate feedback!

If you want to be a journo, you'd better learn the difference between wrote and written!
As someone who has employed dozens of journos, when I see grammatical errors like that on a cover letter/resume, I then don't bother to read any further. As such, I haven't clicked on any of your links. It's harsh feedback but it's valuable too. Simple grammatical errors when applying for any journalism job ensure you will not get employed. You will not get an interview. Your resume will not even get read - merely added to the scrapheap. Media organisations across the country are implementing redundancies en masse, meaning competition for jobs is higher than ever and people without attention to detail will not get employed.
 

Spook

Norm Smith Medallist
Aug 19, 2003
7,566
4,372
Top of the pile looking down
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I'm not an expert, I found your articles read like forum posts. You seem to write like you would speak. If you really want to be a journo I would go to school. Sorry man, I just found your articles difficult to read in parts. Also, your points on players and teams seem to be anecdotal, provide some statistics or at least some more reasoning for your opinions. You don't really sway into believing your predictions could have any merit.

lol.... . Maybe "If you really want to be a decent and good journo I would go to school. If you want to be like the current crop, carry on"
 

wowlace

Norm Smith Medallist
Feb 15, 2010
5,936
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Kewarra Beach
AFL Club
Melbourne
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lol.... . Maybe "If you really want to be a decent and good journo I would go to school. If you want to be like the current crop, carry on"

Exactly. I never commented on the quality of sports writers currently featured in print.
 

swiftdog

Premiership Player
Sep 26, 2005
4,208
2,757
melbourne
AFL Club
Collingwood
I'll add my 2c but in saying that I'm not 100% sure of the conventions of journalism although my work does involve writing (although I do get lazy with grammar/proofreading etc on this forum).

1) One sentence paragraphs - Not sure if this is a norm for journalism but in general I've been told to steer clear of it.

2) Tense - you start off in past tense (i.e. "they were") and then move to present tense in the same sentence ("playing off"). I don't know, I could be wrong but it just doesn't read properly for me.

3) Don't start sentences with 'but'.

4) Proofread - paragraph 3. You've used a comma and then a capital letter. Same as paragraph 1 also, it's a one sentence paragraph and a pretty long-winded one at that. Also cut unnecessary words/terms. If ou were to say "..Nathan Buckley took over as head coach of the Pies.." everyone would know what you mean and it cuts down clutter in the form of extra words (i.e. "the role"). Clutter isn't a good thing and makes articles difficult to read. It also seems to bounce around between past and present tense again.

5) "His harsh actions towards... was an eye opener". Ok, two things here that you should probably address in the article. One - what were the harsh actions? Two - who was it an eye opener for? At the moment it reads as if the actions of Nathan Buckley towards the rat-pack was an eye-opener for Nathan Buckley but I don't think that was the point you were trying to get across.

6) Is it an opinion piece? If it is you might as well own it. Instead of saying "...what many called a bad year..." maybe you could say "what I and many others...". Instead of saying "finished outside the eight for the first time in a long time" I think you're better off just saying that it was the first time since 2005. Also, did Collingwood play the Lions in round 19? You should clear it up for the reader.

7) When talking about Collingwood's off-season trades you could probably tidy it up a little bit. You might as well add what Collingwood lost to gain Greenwood and Varcoe.

8) You mention "other big guys" and "two inexperienced guys". I think naming the players is a must, not everyone will know who the players are that you're referring to.

9) I'm not sure exactly what the convention is but I'm pretty sure it's either writing out numbers in words (eigth, eleventh, fourteenth) or as numerals (8th, 11th, 14th). I know the rule for scientific writing is 0-9 you write out as words and 10+ you use numerals. However, if you end up with a mixture of both then you just make a judgement call and use either one or the other, never both.


I'm no journalist (so I may be wrong in places) but these are the issues that stood out for me. Proofreading is essential and you can't make assumptions that your readers have background information on another team's list. Obviously being a Collingwood supporter I knew who you were referring to when you mentioned our key forwards/rucks and how we acquired Varcoe and Greenwood. However, would a GWS supporter new to the game have much of an idea of who you're talking about? Maybe try writing your articles as if you're writing for someone relatively new to the game (but obviously already knows the basics) and it might help out. In saying all this though the actual content and point of the article was fine by me (all you need is to go into more detail in some areas). Your over-arching message came through the article so that was good, everyone that reads it will know what your take is on Collingwood's list.
 

Schraderbrau

Cancelled
Oct 7, 2014
5,371
6,647
AFL Club
Collingwood
Hey guys!

I want to be a journalist and have wrote some articles. Would appreciate some feedback!

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/01/30/collingwoods-season-could-be-another-topsy-turvy-ride/

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/03/12/can-the-adelaide-crows-live-up-to-the-hype/

http://www.theroar.com.au/2015/03/16/2015-the-year-of-the-cats/

These are the ones I have wrote so far, do about one a week. would appreciate feedback!
I suggest you try to read as many books and articles over a wide variety of topics (including non sport stuff) as possible. That helped me a lot in improving my writing from what was a very low base.

The other thing to do is what you've already done which is to keeping putting your work out there for criticism. It's probably the best way of learning imo.

Good luck
 

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