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The seven dwarves are busy working in their mine when there's a massive landslide and the entrance to the mine is blocked. Snow White rushes down to the mine and helps try to clear the entrance of debris when the rescuers hear a faint voice singing "Freo heave ho! Freo heave ho!" "Oh good!" says Snow White, "It sounds like Dopey's still alive!"
 
50,000 Collingwood Fans meet at the MCG for a "Collingwood Fans Are Not Stupid" Convention.

Eddie says, "We are all here today to prove to all of Australia that Collingwood Fans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer."

Chris Tarrant gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Eddie asks him, "What is fifteen plus fifteen?"

After 15 or 20 seconds Chris says, "Eighteen!".

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then all 50,000 Collingwood Fans start chanting,
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Eddie says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the Australian press and broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."

So he asks, "What is seven plus seven?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Eddie is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened.

Chris starts crying and the 50,000 Collingwood Fans begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Eddie, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance."

What is two plus two?" Chris closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Collingwood fans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...


"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
 
Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of Jolimont Road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance.

Out of respect and propriety, the first Tigers fan took off his cap and placed it over one of the female's breasts.
The second Tigers fan took off his cap and placed it over her other breast.

Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.

The police arrived first and an officer began to conduct his investigation.

He lifted up the first Tigers cap, replaced it and made an entry in his notebook.

He lifted the next Tigers cap and replaced it; making more notes in his book.

Then the officer lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced it, lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time - shaking his head in disbelief.

The Collingwood fan was extremely annoyed and challenged him, "What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I'm a little surprised and confused. Normally, when you look under a Collingwood cap... you'll find an a-hole."
 

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The fire brigade arrive during the middle of the night at the burning house of a Collingwood supporter & find the squeezer sitting in the gutter crying his heart out.
One fireman gives him a cuddle & tries to console him.
"There, there. At least you're alive." he tells him.
"B-b-b-b-b-but I've....*sob*.....lost my entire......*sniffle*.....book collection" the Pies supporter whimpers "It took me years to build that collection. I had over one thousand books!"
"You can buy others" the fireman tells him.
The Pies supporter looks him in the eye "Yeah but who'll help me colour them in?"
 
I know, that's pretty much the only thing I remember from year 7 science. 1 litre of water = 1 kilo.
 
manboob said:
I know, that's pretty much the only thing I remember from year 7 science. 1 litre of water = 1 kilo.
Click to expand...
I carry watering cans of water around all the time- I wouldn't dare trying to lift too much more than a container that size above my head (especially if I was trying to direct the contents in a particular direction). Some of the containers used in that video were HUGE!!!
 
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Aussie said 'One!'
The manager groaned and asked, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64p, the young lad replied.
The manager choked and exclaimed, £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4x4.
The manager, incredulous, gasped, 'You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

The young lad answered, 'No, no, no.. he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
 
Found this old joke that came out after we won the 2009 Cup. Sigh... it's always great to remember the good ol' days, isn't it?

All associated with The Geelong Football Club would like to thank and acknowledge all participants of the AFL and associated affiliations for their contribution towards the 2009 AFL Season for, without this, the season just would not have been such a wonderful one. Most notably THANK YOU:

Thank you St Kilda
** For being so wise as to play "Muppets" R Clarke, McQuallter and Zac Dawson. Would not get a game for Deniliquin 4ths in Old Ammo's. Any more "specials" for 2010??
** For forgetting Steve Milne has a heart the size of a pea and only looks good against Port, Freo and Melb. Love a choker in big games.
** Unable to understand difference between a good player and a champion. NOTE Nick Riewoldt is a Good Player - not a champion. A champion:
- Kicks goals after siren to win games ( Stk v Ess ).
- Plays well on the BIG STAGE - Harry Taylor smashed him.
- Wins a Brownlow in a GF winning year.
** Rod Butters for negotiating the Etihad deal for StK in 2003 as we like St Kilda playing 12 games a year under a closed roof - nice and warm, flat firm grassy ground, no rain to get the hair wet or ruin the fake tan. Note - BIG FINALS are played in open with wind / breeze, rain, sun - it is called the MCG.

Thank you Collingwood
** Supporters for saying all August "Can not wait to get Geelong in Finals as they are soft..."
** For thinking they are better than they really are - very average football team.
** For providing a great entree to 2009 when they lost the Night GF as part of a Geelong Feb training drill.
** Having faith in Medhurst, Anthony, Rocca, Davis and Didak - Shannon Byrnes had more stats in 09 finals series than these five tragics combined.
** For not taking "Stevie J" with a second round draft pick in 2006 - THANK YOU!!
** Providing great TV for all watching Eddie and family sink into their seats during second half Prel smashing they received. BEETROOT HEADED BUFFOON.

Thank you Bulldogs
** Scott Clayton - imagine if you had selected Buddy at #3 and not the cry baby Ryan Griffen ???? You would now have your full forward and who knows ??? Thank you Scott.

Thank you Adelaide
** For allowing Coll to beat you by 2 points in final at G as it merely elevated their internal self opinion prior to meeting Cats in Prelim final.

Thank you Brisbane
** Thank you for allowing Carlton to get 30 points up in the last quarter on an otherwise dreary Sat night, only to then go bang, bang, bang and leave them stranded as LOSERS. One of the best Sat night movies we have watched in years.

Thank you Carlton
** "They know We are Coming" ...still waiting.
** One player does not make a team - keep playing Cloke, Fev, Bentick and Stevens - puts a smile on all our faces.
** For thinking playing Fev will get you a flag. More chance with Barb from the cheer squad.

Thank you Essendon
** For putting Haw in their rightful place - out of the eight in R22. Memories of "Sooky Jeff Kennett" in the stand with hands on head will linger for many years to come.
** Providing a memorable Anzac Day for those enjoying a day of relaxation - beating Coll feral in last minute - thank you.
** For not imposing too much pressure on Adel in final One. This meant Adel were fresh to play Coll and stretch them so they were spent before Prelim final.

Thank you Hawthorn
** For being the most arrogant, self centred, rude, self indulgent Premiership Team the AFL has ever witnessed.
** Jeff Kennett for having the audacity to question Geelong's "Mental Fragility" in March 2009 - not bad for a team who can not even make the eight as defending premier.
** For having the nastiest and most aggressive little "runt" of a coach - wonder why Todd Viney and Hardwick left with more to follow.
** For thinking Buddy and Roughead would take to glory again - understand two players do not make a team.
** For playing fat / overweight / unfit "Porky Pig" - Stu "give me a tub of pasta and ice-cream" Dew. Really Clarko...
** For being so gracious and accepting of Buddy suspension for smashing of Cousins in R21 - karma boys re Ess game one week later.
** For the continuous squealing re injuries - Geelong were lucky they had no injuries in 2009 !!!!!

Thank you North Melbourne
** Leigh Colbert...draft picks resulting in Corey Enright and Cam Mooney. Sometimes it pays to be loyal, hey Leigh ???? Cam may send you a photo of the Cup if you're lucky. If not - join the queue.

Thank you Richmond
** Thank you for Brad Ottens and the annual 8 premiership points.

Thank you Melbourne
** For giving StKilda a nice "feel" round 22 of the MCG.
** For giving Geelong pick 8 for Brent Maloney in 2006 - resulted in Brad Ottens arrival to Cattery.
** Clint Bizzell for pick 17 - James Kelly to Cattery.

Thank you Freo, West Cost, Syd and Port
** Thankyou for the frequent flier points - these will come in handy for end of season trips.

SPECIAL MENTIONS
** Grant " I am not jealous" Thomas - every Monday Night 10pm Footy Classifieds, you built up St Kilda all year - teamwork, determination, spirit, skill....always said you could never coach you overrated whale.
** Jeff Kennett - where is your stupid Brown and Yellow jacket now ????
** Shayne Crawford - for each week on Footy Show just continually reminding us all what a real dickhead you are always are and were - weak for not playing 2010.
** Joffa - did not see you much in finals - oh forgot...Coll have to win a final for you to wear the Gold Jacket.
** Carlton, Melbourne, North, Essendon, Port, Freo - for letting Joel Selwood slip through to pick #7 2006 draft.


Enjoy your copies of 2009 GF DVD ......bring on 2010.
 
The bloke who invented the time machine has died.

RIP Dave Jones. 1974 - 1746.

*************************


Life's too short to worry about infinite time travel possibilities....

...you could get hit by a bus last week....

*************************


Don't put all my eggs in one basket?

Nice try, basket industry.
 
Didn't want to post this in the thread on the cats board where I mentioned it... but here is Monty Python's Killer Bunny- our new centre clearance specialist!! :)

you pick one - the size of the rabbit doesn't matter, when he's a Killer Bunny!!! :D

 
Last edited:

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Shai said:
Who best fills the foul tempered, vile rodent role in your opinion..? :D Hope all our midfield goes 4 the throat from now on!
Click to expand...
lol- Crowley? Mitchell? Or their respective coaches... I can think of a few ideal people for that role ;)

EDIT- just remembered that Mitchell attacked Taylor Hunt's throat. I think SquishyKitty would agree with me here if I nominate him!
 
images


Aliens are coming to Earth on Friday and their mission is to abduct all the good looking and sexy people.

You will be safe, but I just figured I'd post here now to say goodbye. I'll be busy packing for the next day or so.
 
After the 2003 Grand Final debacle a Collingwood supporter has finally had a gut full.
"Stuff this!" he tells his long suffering wife "I'm gunna have an operation & become a Caaaaarlton supporter!"
With that he heads into town. After getting quotes from a number of quacks he settles on one who agrees to remove half his brain for just $50.
Two hours later he wakes up to see a look of horror on the doctor's face.
"What's wrong doc?" the bloke asks.
"Errrrr we had a slight problem" the doc explains "Instead of half your brain I ended up having to remove the whole brain...........ummm, sorry!"
"Arrrrrrr no worries doc" the man replies "Carn the Tiges!"
 
Hot footy news.

South Melbourne moved to Sydney and became the Sydney Swans. Fitzroy moved to Brisbane and became the Brisbane Bears.

Secret talks are now under way to make the game international. The word is that Collingwood will relocate to the Phillipines next year.

The new club will be named the Manila Folders.
 
Two guys from Freo die and wake up in hell.

The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them sunbaking by the fire.

The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from WA, the Golden State, the land of sunshine. We love the heat."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still lazily kicking back, sucking away on a couple of stubbies of Emu Bitter.

The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"

Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from WA, the Golden State, the land of sunshine. We love the heat."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The other people in hell are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Fremantle and finds them kicking back in board shorts and thongs, drinking EB and cooking a barbie.

The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery but you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Freo lads reply, "Well, ya know, it kind of reminds us of home when the weather's THIS nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat, so the devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Freo boys. He gets there and finds them rugged up in their swannies, mittens and beanies. NOW they are stamping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!

The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"

The Freo lads look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know?" If hell freezes over, it must mean that the Dockers have won the AFL Grand Final!!"
 
Two American businessmen in New York were sitting down for a break in their soon-to be, new, store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Australian walked to the window, had a peek and, in a broad Australian accent, asked, 'What are you selling here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Australian said, 'You're doing well ... Only two left!'

Americans - God bless them - should not mess with Australians!
 
87707221_5750a66081.jpg


30 Facts about Boonie:


1. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Boonie’s Gray Nicholls.

2. Boonie’s tears don’t cure cancer, but they do cure a hard earned thirst as they are 6.2% alcohol.

3. Boonie doesn’t shave; his beard is too scared of his mo. The only thing that isn’t scared of Boonie’s mo is Boonie - and possibly Merv.

4. When Boonie was born, he never cried. He just rearranged his box, then got on with the business of growing his mo.

5. Boonie sold his soul to the devil for his mo and unparalleled batting ability. “Fielding at Short Leg” ability was his own doing. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Boonie swung his mighty Gray Nicholls at the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play back yard cricket every second Wednesday of the month, even in the winter.

6. Boonie does not sleep. He waits. For your shout.

7. Boonie once cover drove someone so hard that his Gray Nicholls broke the speed of light, went back in time, and smashed Charles Kingsford Smith while he was flying over the Tasman

8. Boonie built a time machine and went back in time to stop Harold Holt going for a swim. As a shark came near him, Boonie’s mo strangled the shark. Holt died of amazement and floated out to sea. Boonie then drank a case.

9. Boonie does not drink like a horse… horses drink like Boonie

10. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Then he found out about Boonie drinking 52 cans of Full Strength beer on a flight between London and Sydney, and Chuck Norris’ cancer came back, but this time it had a bigger mo.

11. The chief export of Boonie comes in keg form.

12. Boonie is currently suing Slim Dusty’s estate, claiming “The Pub With No Beer” is something that just shouldn’t be joked about.

13. Boonie won ‘Jumanji’ without ever saying the word. He simply smashed the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him to the fence with his Gray Nicholls, and the game forfeited.

14. Boonie drank his first stubbie before his dad did.

15. Boonie was the fourth Wise Man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “brew”. Unfortunately, the trip along the desert following that star was a long one, and none of the 12 cases of beer made it, hence why he was left out of the bible.

16. If you can see Boonie, it is your shout. If you can’t see Boonie you may be only seconds away from a shout.

17. Boonie doesn’t read books. He drinks in front of them until they pass out. Then Boonie shakes their hand, rearranges his box and gets on with business.

18. When Boonie sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready at short leg. Boonie has not had to pay taxes ever.

19. Boonie can make a woman climax by simply pointing at his mo.

20. Boonie once ate four 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes hitting boundaries.

21. Playing in England for the ashes, Boonie brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged mo rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Boonie out-drank the animal, breaking its non-iron guts, to remind the crowd once more that Boonie giveth, and the good Boonie taketh away.

22. When Boonie plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather alcohol poisoning. He also requires no wagon, since the family is carried on the drinks cart. He always makes it to Oregon before you, then rearranges his box and gets on with business.

23. After little debate, Australian Prime Ministers have always decided that we do need to have armed forces instead of Boonie. The reasoning? It is more “humane”, and Boonie sometimes likes to go home to Tasmania instead of touring.

24. Boonie once shot a British plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Howzat!”

25. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Boonie–more than meets the eye, Boonie–robot in disguise,” and starred Boonie as a Test Cricketer who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a keg. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided into the “Transformers” and the “Talking Boonie”.

26. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact leg glanced to death by Boonie.

27. Boonie recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Budweiser. Boonie won’t drink it either.

28. There are no retired bowlers. Only bowlers who have met Boonie.

29. When Boonie’s wife burned the snags one Boxing Day Test, Boonie never got upset. He just got out his Gray Nicholls, and then belted the burnt off all the snags. He got Man of the Match that day.

30. If you ask Boonie what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he sweeps your nads for four. Then he rearranges his box, and gets on with business.
 
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