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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.

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I promised my grandmother that I'd name my firstborn after her.
My son, Elizabeth, really hates his name.
 
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and, although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. He chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter. He chains her to another, even uglier man.
The third woman is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. He chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to YOU for all of eternity?" To which the stunner replies: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ....... so does she."
 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day ... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men .."
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
 
Teriyakicat said:
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Click to expand...
Lucky you, don't have to drive.. keep your in-law in the back yard :p
 
An Aussie stockman had just got married and he and his wife stopped at an outback
hotel on their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'Do you want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.."
 
CatMarie said:
An Aussie stockman had just got married and he and his wife stopped at an outback
hotel on their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'Do you want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.."
Click to expand...
Not gonna post it but reminded me of the joke about rodeo s*x.. :D
 
CatMarie said:
An Aussie stockman had just got married and he and his wife stopped at an outback
hotel on their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'Do you want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.."
Click to expand...
hahaha!! sfellow...
 

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My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is.....purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
 
I think I've posted a few of these before but, as they've come as a bunch, I don't think I will bother going through and weeding out the doubles.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked Automobile Club van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said, "I would like to come back as a cow". I said, "you're obviously not listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the coins from her purse out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
 
Teriyakicat said:
I think I've posted a few of these before but, as they've come as a bunch, I don't think I will bother going through and weeding out the doubles.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Click to expand...

1st bolded - I believe you have an inside source here :p

2nd bolded - My freakin neighbor was playing Sister Goldenhair on a continuous loop, didn't mind the song but when you hear it for 6 hours str8 the bagpipes would be so welcome!

3rd bolded - Went for my license on Christmas Eve, (in Geelong) after having 1 of my friends jump in front of the car @ the cnr of Moorabul & Malop, reversing was a breeze..
 
Shai said:
1st bolded - I believe you have an inside source here :p

2nd bolded - My freakin neighbor was playing Sister Goldenhair on a continuous loop, didn't mind the song but when you hear it for 6 hours str8 the bagpipes would be so welcome!

3rd bolded - Went for my license on Christmas Eve, (in Geelong) after having 1 of my friends jump in front of the car @ the cnr of Moorabul & Malop, reversing was a breeze..
Click to expand...
Lolling at you preferring bagpipes. ;) A neighbour in Kalgoorlie practised his bagpipes pretty much every week. I enjoyed listening to them though - probably because it wasn't really loud. I think I prefer them to kids practising on drums- though perhaps it would depend on what songs were being played on the pipes ;)

As for getting your licence- yes, I think that experience would make you feel as if you could do anything!!
 
Recently, when I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.”
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security crap, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors!!
Boy, I hate this getting older stuff


LOL Made me laugh
 
Mick and Sean fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money.
All together they had a staggering 50 cents between them.
Mick said 'Hang on I have got an idea' - he went next door to the
butchers shop and came out with one large sausage
Sean: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all!'
Mick: 'Don't worry - just follow me' - and went into the next pub
where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Vodka and tonic.
Sean: 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be
in - we haven't got any money!!'
Mick: 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers.'
So they had their drinks.
Mick said 'OK, I will now stick the sausage through my zip - you will
go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub after pub after pub, getting more
and more drunk - all for free.
At the 10th pub Sean said ' Jeesus - I don't think I can continue this
any longer - I'm pissed and my knees are killing me !'
Mick: 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub!!
 
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