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Mar 6, 2014
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Mar 6, 2014
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A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant. One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?"

The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000."

The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?"

"Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is less because it has been used."
 
Mar 6, 2014
41,562
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Here's one for you, allrighty !

Male or Female Nouns

Certain nouns in the English language should be considered male or female. Here are some and why...

SWISS ARMY KNIFE
Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS
Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TYRE
Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON
Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES
Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE
Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE
Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER
Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS
Male, because they hold everything in but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS
Female because, over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER
Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL
Female...Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider- it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it and, while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
 
Jun 5, 2007
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Bono has today apologised for the U2 album that was released free on ITunes.
OK, Bono. Apologise for the previous 12 as well, then we'll talk.
I stopped liking them after Sunday Bloody Sunday (?).

There's an old joke that goes like this.

Q: What's the difference between Bono and God?

A: God doesn't walk around Dublin thinking he's Bono.

 
Jun 30, 2013
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This guy would b gr8 as a pard in anagrams.. :cool:

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Little Johnny: "Homework!"

----------------------------------------------

Three guys go to a ski lodge and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
 
Mar 6, 2014
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This guy would b gr8 as a pard in anagrams.. :cool:

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Little Johnny: "Homework!"

----------------------------------------------

Three guys go to a ski lodge and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Very good, Shai ;)

(I especially loved the little Johnny joke!)
 
Mar 6, 2014
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"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon.

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.
 
Joan Rivers - great one liners

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio”

"I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked"

“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly”

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds"

"I don't exercise. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor"

“At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass”

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on”

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police”

“All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window”

“Joan Collins told a reporter that she hadn’t had plastic surgery; come on… she’s had more tucks than a motel bed sheet”

“She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends”

“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress”

“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, 'Pick up, I know you’re there'”

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware"

"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, 'Get the hell off my property'"

"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I'd visit him every day"

"Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller"

"I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry"

"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it is missing and what's there stinks"

"My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there, but they don't want to visit"

"My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark"

"I said to my husband, 'My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything'"

"Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty"

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television"

"No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card"
 
Mar 6, 2014
41,562
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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.
Joan Rivers - great one liners

“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio”

"I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked"

“If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly”

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds"

"I don't exercise. If God wanted us to bend over, he'd put diamonds on the floor"

“At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass”

“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on”

“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police”

“All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window”

“Joan Collins told a reporter that she hadn’t had plastic surgery; come on… she’s had more tucks than a motel bed sheet”

“She’s so fat, she’s my two best friends”

“Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress”

“My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, 'Pick up, I know you’re there'”

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware"

"I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house and she said, 'Get the hell off my property'"

"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus — that way, I'd visit him every day"

"Before we make love, my husband takes a painkiller"

"I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry"

"My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it is missing and what's there stinks"

"My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there, but they don't want to visit"

"My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark"

"I said to my husband, 'My boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything'"

"Looking fifty is great – if you're sixty"

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television"

"No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card"
Lol- very good, Kitty!!
 

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Mar 6, 2014
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Partridge might like this one :D

A stranger was seated next to Little Tommy on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"
 
Mar 6, 2014
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Parents of boys will appreciate this... (and parents of girls will appreciate the fact that they don't have boys!)

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke- and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
 
Mar 6, 2014
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This one is for everyone who

a) has kids

b) had kids

c) was a kid

d) knows a kid

e) is going to have kids


I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
 
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