-
LIVE: Richmond v Melbourne - 7:25PM Wed
Squiggle tips Demons at 77% chance -- What's your tip? -- Team line-ups »
Just Kitten
- Thread starter Teriyakicat
- Start date
- Tagged users None
Hello Kitty
Miss Kitty
Good for you. I used to work in one for an insurance company. A woman rang to advise her husband had died + wanted to claim his life insurance, asking how long it would take. I asked if she'd lodged his death certificate, she said no, how do I get a death certificate, I explained. How do I get a death certificate, she asked, how long does it take to get it + once lodged with the insurance company when could she have the payout. I asked if a doctor confirmed his death, no. Did an ambulance take him to hospital to be pronounced dead, or did a funeral director remove his body from hospital or nursing home, as they would issue the death certificate. No, she said, he's still here.
I asked when he died, she answered "About ten minutes ago. Look, I've booked a flight to Surfers Paradise + I need to get his insurance money today!"
winty
Moderator
- Moderator
- #678
Good for you. I used to work in one for an insurance company. A woman rang to advise her husband had died + wanted to claim his life insurance, asking how long it would take. I asked if she'd lodged his death certificate, she said no, how do I get a death certificate, I explained. How do I get a death certificate, she asked, how long does it take to get it + once lodged with the insurance company when could she have the payout. I asked if a doctor confirmed his death, no. Did an ambulance take him to hospital to be pronounced dead, or did a funeral director remove his body from hospital or nursing home, as they would issue the death certificate. No, she said, he's still here.
I asked when he died, she answered "About ten minutes ago. Look, I've booked a flight to Surfers Paradise + I need to get his insurance money today!"
Sounds like she might've knocked him off herself.
You just shake your head at some customers though. Had one guy call up about 6.15pm one night saying he just got the keys to his new place and wanted to have the power connected that day. Had another lady threaten to go to A Current Affair if I didn't help her. The best one though was someone who called about 10 minutes before we closed who just ranted and raved, and by the time I got to ascertain exactly what their problem was, I couldn't transfer them to the department I needed to as everyone had gone home and they needed to call back the next day.
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #679
Good for you. I used to work in one for an insurance company. A woman rang to advise her husband had died + wanted to claim his life insurance, asking how long it would take. I asked if she'd lodged his death certificate, she said no, how do I get a death certificate, I explained. How do I get a death certificate, she asked, how long does it take to get it + once lodged with the insurance company when could she have the payout. I asked if a doctor confirmed his death, no. Did an ambulance take him to hospital to be pronounced dead, or did a funeral director remove his body from hospital or nursing home, as they would issue the death certificate. No, she said, he's still here.
I asked when he died, she answered "About ten minutes ago. Look, I've booked a flight to Surfers Paradise + I need to get his insurance money today!"
I hope you got her details. You might have been an accessory.
.... like a handbag or something.
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #680
Hmmm... that MIGHT have been me..Sounds like she might've knocked him off herself.
You just shake your head at some customers though. Had one guy call up about 6.15pm one night saying he just got the keys to his new place and wanted to have the power connected that day. Had another lady threaten to go to A Current Affair if I didn't help her. The best one though was someone who called about 10 minutes before we closed who just ranted and raved, and by the time I got to ascertain exactly what their problem was, I couldn't transfer them to the department I needed to as everyone had gone home and they needed to call back the next day.
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #682
I often don't remember to make calls until 10 mins prior to knockoff.
I don't abuse people, though, so I guess the lady who rang you couldn't have been me.
Hello Kitty
Miss Kitty
I only worked for the insurance call centre for a short time until they employed staff + then transferred to the merchant banking division of the company. We had one guy ring, who insisted he speak to a manager, we didn't have managers or even team leaders because it was so new. I'd worked in the HQ of the owning company in Property Development + then looked after the company's shareholders. So the call was transferred to a female colleague, we decided to hold me as a big gun, because I had the most experience lol. My colleague took the call + he said I wanted to speak to a manager, she said she was a manager + he said, NO a MALE manager lmao He asked to be transferred to a more senior manager, she said we only have female managers. She put him through to me + he was ranting!Sounds like she might've knocked him off herself.
You just shake your head at some customers though. Had one guy call up about 6.15pm one night saying he just got the keys to his new place and wanted to have the power connected that day. Had another lady threaten to go to A Current Affair if I didn't help her. The best one though was someone who called about 10 minutes before we closed who just ranted and raved, and by the time I got to ascertain exactly what their problem was, I couldn't transfer them to the department I needed to as everyone had gone home and they needed to call back the next day.
Some people are completely unable to communicate when they're angry! I love it when call centre people ring + you know they have a script, so you ask them questions that aren't on their script!
Had a guy call my Mum's, who wanted to quote for a new security system. They'd acquired Mum's phone number from the council, when she'd lodged a DA for renovations. I said we didn't need any additional security + hung up. Five minutes later the guy's boss rang, said he'd spoken to my father + he was very interested in them quoting. I asked what number he rang to speak to my Dad, he said this one, I asked if he was sure + that I really wanted the phone number he used to speak to my Dad, as he'd died 18 months ago + I just love to speak to him. He hung up! roflmao So much for him teaching the other guy how it was done!
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #684
A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #685
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds!
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!'
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds!
And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!'
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #686
An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.
Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police.
Panicking, the inflatable boy pulls out his knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:
"You've let me down; you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down".
Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police.
Panicking, the inflatable boy pulls out his knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster gravely intones:
"You've let me down; you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've let yourself down".
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #687
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horribly sunburnt. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The Doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"
The Doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #688
History
For those that don't know about Australian history, here is a condensed version:
Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers.
They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter.
The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Labor
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Labor movement.
Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.
Modern Laborites and Union leaders drink imported beer and they like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare.
Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, government workers - state and federal- personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff and group therapists are Laborites.
Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX.
They eat red meat (rare), and still provide for their women.
Liberals are police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, business owners, farmers, Doctors and Nurses and generally anyone who works productively.
Liberals who own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.
Laborites produce little or nothing.
They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
That is why most of the laborites created the business of trying to get more for nothing - and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.
Here ends today's lesson in Australian history.
It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Liberal will simply laugh, and be so convinced of the absolute truth of history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Laborites –
---just to piss them off.
And there you have it.
For those that don't know about Australian history, here is a condensed version:
Australians originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters and gatherers.
They lived on kangaroos on the plains during the summer and would then go to the coast and live on fish and mussels in the winter.
The two most important events in all Aussie history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern Aussie civilisation and together were the catalyst for the splitting of Australians into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Labor
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented so while our early Aussies were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night, while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Liberal movement
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Liberals by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Labor movement.
Some noteworthy Labor achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the Liberals provided.
Modern Laborites and Union leaders drink imported beer and they like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu and French food are standard Labor fare.
Another interesting, evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, government workers - state and federal- personal injury lawyers, journalists (especially at The Age), ABC staff and group therapists are Laborites.
Liberals drink domestic beer, mostly Carlton or XXXX.
They eat red meat (rare), and still provide for their women.
Liberals are police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots, business owners, farmers, Doctors and Nurses and generally anyone who works productively.
Liberals who own companies, hire other Liberals who want to work for a living.
Laborites produce little or nothing.
They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
That is why most of the laborites created the business of trying to get more for nothing - and usually plead for government money to fund their unproductive, parasitical activities.
Here ends today's lesson in Australian history.
It should be noted that a Laborite may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Liberal will simply laugh, and be so convinced of the absolute truth of history, that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more Laborites –
---just to piss them off.
And there you have it.
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #689
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #690
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #691
Dang, you got me TC. Even now I'm having difficulty lowering my left eyebrow. Absolute Truth of history, eh?
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #693
I was a bit worried about posting that joke because the humour in it could easily get masked by the political message underlying it. Thought it was worth persevering with- people who get offended by jokes probably shouldn't read them. ;
My favourite bit about that joke was the bit about the two most important inventions being the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel- the wheel being invented to get man to the beer.
You could get picky and say neither of these were invented in Australia or you could just have a laugh at the humour.
I reckon if you ever were examined on Australian History and paraphrased the joke above, you'd be gunning for an A+
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #695
Lol- I've only see the same old Hitler scene, which gets a bit tired after the 10th time.
This one's new to me, so I had a good laugh.
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #696
Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item.
"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.
"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.
The third criminal looks proud of himself. "I brought a car door, so when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.
"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.
The third criminal looks proud of himself. "I brought a car door, so when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #697
A teacher asks the new student her name. The girl replies, "Happy Butt."
The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."
The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"
The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."
The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt."
The principal calls the girl's mother to get the truth. After getting off the phone, he says, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl exclaims, "Glad Ass -- Happy Butt -- what's the difference?"
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #698
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March....."
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March....."
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #699
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What is in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade."
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What is in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade."
- Mar 6, 2014
- 41,562
- 39,805
- AFL Club
- Geelong
- Thread starter
- #700
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
