Just Kitten

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Sydney. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
 

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One hot summer day, Barry came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade
of a tree, and headed into the pub for a cold one..

Twenty minutes later, a cop entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog
tied under that tree outside?"

Barry called out, " It's mine, mate."

"Your dog seems to be in heat" the cop said.

Barry replied, "No way.. She's cool as, 'cause she's tied up under that shade
tree."

The cop said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred."

"No way," said Barry. "That dog don't need no bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I
fed 'er this mornin'."

The exasperated cop said, "NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have
sex!"

Barry looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police
dog...
 
 
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.”

Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?”

Bill: “No, but my sister has.”
 

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.

“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
 
Yesterday, when I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said,

“Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for us oldies.


I hate this getting older stuff.
 
What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

Fire.

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On Star Trek, Klingons get promoted by killing the man above them.


I explained this to HR but they still won't let me back in the building.

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Two scientists walk into a bar, and decide to have a drinking contest.

The first walks up to the barmaid and says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, please."

The second scientist says, "I'll have a glass of H2O, too."

Needless to say, the first scientist won.
 
An 80yr old couple were seen shagging furiously up against a fence. For 40 mins they shagged like Bastards.
Arms and legs going everywhere until they fell to the floor. Christ she said “you didn't eff me like that 50yrs ago! To which the old man replied “50 yrs ago that fence wasn't effen electric!
 
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