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Doctors are baffled at what caused Joni Mitchell (singer of “Big Yellow Taxi”) to be hospitalised, saying they might not know what she's got 'til it's gone.
 

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My wife asked me what my plans are for Easter?

The same as Jesus', disappear Friday, show up Monday.

*****************************

It was R evealed today that Andreas Lubitz's severe depression was caused by having his pilot's application rejected by Air Malaysia.

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What were Jesus' last words to his disciples as he was nailed to the cross?

Nobody touch my Easter eggs, I'll be back on Sunday.

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"For f*ck's sake love, how long have we been together?" I said to my blonde girlfriend after she handed me my birthday card. "And you're STILL spelling my name with two L's."

"Oh f*ck off, you picky bastard." She snapped. "It's an easy mistake to make."

"Baby, my name’s Steve."

*****************************

I've been through the desert on a horse with no mane.

He suffers from alopecia.

*****************************

I bought a cheap pillow stuffed with feathers the other day.

You could tell it wasn't great workmanship though.

When I lay on it, it squawked.
 
According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine, right? Acountry where people are named Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

And yet, He managed to find 12 friends named John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Matthew, Andrew and Simon . . . who all drank wine!

Now that's what I call a bloody miracle!
 
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, "What the heck... I'll give her a treat!"

So they walked past it again...
 
abet said:
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?
Click to expand...
LOL
 
Teriyakicat said:
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "It smells absolutely incredible!"

Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought, "What the heck... I'll give her a treat!"

So they walked past it again...
Click to expand...
You sure he isn't Jewish?
 
Not that I condone animal abuse, but I thought this was rather funny....

John plays a round of golf with his mate Rob, who brings his Yorkshire terrier along. Every time Rob hits a good shot, his dog stands up on his hind paws and applauds. "Wow, that's pretty impressive" says John. "What does he do when you hit a poor shot though?" Rob replies "About two or three somersaults, depending on how hard I kick him."

On the subject of golf, I was playing a round the other day and was lining up a shot on the first tee, when someone yelled out from the clubhouse "Could the guy on the ladies tee please go back and tee off from the men's tee?" I just ignored him and had a few practice swings. A few seconds later the same voice yells out "Excuse me, could the gentleman on the ladies tee please go back to the men's tee?" I again ignored him and lined up my shot again. Again the same voice yelled out "For the last time, could the gentleman on the ladies tee please go back to the men's tee?" This time I got mad and yelled back "Could you please shut the hell up and let me play my second shot?" :p
 

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At an interview, I was asked to describe myself in five words.

I replied, "s**t at counting."

*****************


My girlfriend has been telling her friends that she has a pet pig at home.

Lying cow, I've never seen it in eighteen months of living with her.

*****************


I went for a job interview on Friday and was asked to describe myself in three words.

"Violent when disappointed," I replied.

I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.
 
News from a week on the stock market. Helium was up, but feathers were down. Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points. Lifts rose but escalators continued their slow decline. Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom. The raisin market has dried up. Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day. Sorbent tissues touched a new bottom.
 
Teriyakicat said:
At an interview, I was asked to describe myself in five words.

I replied, "s**t at counting."

*****************


My girlfriend has been telling her friends that she has a pet pig at home.

Lying cow, I've never seen it in eighteen months of living with her.

*****************


I went for a job interview on Friday and was asked to describe myself in three words.

"Violent when disappointed," I replied.

I hope to get the appointment letter on Monday.
Click to expand...
I like the middle joke :D:p
 
I've just bought the new Fleetwood Mac sat-nav.

It's useless. Just says "You can go your own way."

**********************


My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is.....purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
 
"Have you tidied up?" I asked my wife earlier.

"Of course I'VE f*cking tidied up." She snapped. "Who else does? Certainly not you, eh? No, definitely not you. Because YOU do f*ck all around here. You don't do any of the cleaning, don't go near the cooker or look after the kids at all. Jesus, I can't even get you to walk the f*cking dog, so yes, yes I've f*cking tidied up."

"Well in that case, have you seen a sheet of paper I'd left out?" I asked. "It's got some plans on it that I'd drawn up."

"Oh, riiiiight." She said, sarcastically. "Mr D I f*cking Y and his clever-arse ideas. No I haven't seen your stupid f*cking plans."

"Bloody hell." I groaned. "I was going to lay a patio in the garden."

"A f*cking patio?" She laughed. "Over my dead body."

"Oh, so you HAVE seen my plans?!"
 
A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT:


All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she’ll give me the other one next year.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?” I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

The sky already fell. Now what?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn’t see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you’re Shakespeare?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?” "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on dough bolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information.” I said, "I can't find my socks.” She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.” He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said, "Stephen, why haven’t you called me?” I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.” He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know...my calendar has no sevens on it."

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.


My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighbourhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
 
FredLeDeux said:
Very good, TYC.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Do you think he'd been reading Malazan?:D
Click to expand...
I haven't read that series yet Fred- it was on one of the recommended lists by someone here on BF. Did you like the books? I've just "discovered" Brent Weeks. :) Unputdownable!! ;)
 
I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.

Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

*************************


Female drivers:

The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street.
 
Teriyakicat said:
I haven't read that series yet Fred- it was on one of the recommended lists by someone here on BF. Did you like the books? I've just "discovered" Brent Weeks. :) Unputdownable!! ;)
Click to expand...

I have been chugging through it and am into Book 8 of the 10 books. The ereader says that's about 67%. It's very very long, 11,000+ pages. It's very good, but very complicated, especially early on (it is actually a lot easier if you read the Wiki entry first, which I didn't do - it makes it easier to understand some of the basic concepts, but doesn't really give any plot away). It's more enjoyable as it gets further along.

I have, since our earlier discussion, been catching up on my long backlog of fantasy series, and decided to tackle this one because most lists have it in the top 2 or 3.

Weeks is on the list. :p
 
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