Lame Jokes Part 2

[Damp Squarie]

Medical Fact:
If a woman drinks two glasses of wine per day, it increases the chance of a stroke.
If you let her finish the bottle she’ll probably suck it too.

 

[Damp Squarie]

While on the topic:

MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX.

1% LIKED THE WARMTH,

2% LIKED THE SENSATION,

3% LIKED THE EROTICISM,
94% JUST LIKED THE

PEACE & QUIET.

 

[laaazer]

How do you make a napkin dance?

Put a little boogie into it.

 

[4evablues]

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

 

[4evablues]

Why did the one handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand store.

 

[NM_Mitchell]

when is a door not a door?

when it's ajar.

no?
ok, sorry

 

[worbod]

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?

 

[worbod]

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

 

[4evablues]

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

It's got great food, but no atmosphere.

 

[philreich]

While on the topic:

MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL SEX.

1% LIKED THE WARMTH,

2% LIKED THE SENSATION,

3% LIKED THE EROTICISM,
94% JUST LIKED THE

PEACE & QUIET.

Reminds me of a survey conducted recently on the night habits of British men:

12% got up to go to the bathroom
9% got up to go to the toilet
79% got up to go home

 

[worbod]

There was this person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week.
No matter if it's oicy, rainin', snowin', hailin' . .. . why would they torture themselves like that?"
"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?".

"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"

 

[philreich]

Did you hear about the racing car driver who owned a dog with no legs?
He took it for a drag every morning.

 

[Walesy]

What did the hungry clock do?

Went back four seconds.

 

[Damp Squarie]

Two Kiwis are riding horses along the fence line of their property and find a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.
One bloke jumps off his horse and, of course as most Kiwis would, has his way with the sheep.
When he was finished he said to his mate: "Right, your turn!" His mate jumped off his horse and stuck his head in the fence.

 

[Damp Squarie]

John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says: "I've got good news and bad news.....
the bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"

John screams "What the * is the good news then!!?"
"Your prick is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"

 

[Damp Squarie]

A man is in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?"
The nurse raises his gown, holds his prick in one hand and his nuts in the other.
She takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thanks for that. It was lovely but listen very very carefully ... Are-my-test-results-back?!"

 

[Damp Squarie]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 near London. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all members of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Errrrm...roughly a litre."

 

[Damp Squarie]

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:-
Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.

Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)
.....
Three cheers for the number of this thread page
hip Pap..hooray
hip Pap..hooray
hip Pap..hooray

 

[ossie_21]

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

lol

 

[Damp Squarie]

“Oscar Pistorius should have blackened Reeva up with shoe polish to support his “intruder”claim…”
“That’s an extremely insensitive thing to say…”
“Yeah I suppose you’re right…”
“I mean really, why would he have a tin of shoe polish?”

 

[worbod]

Should I tell you a sodium pun?

Na.

 

[4evablues]

When you go into a bathroom, you're Australian.
When you leave the bathroom, you're Australian.
When you're in the bathroom, European.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

When you go into a bathroom, you're Australian.
When you leave the bathroom, you're Australian.
When you're in the bathroom, European.

First, you're Russian.
Then European.
Then you're Finnish.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'