Lame Jokes Part 2

[worbod]

A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke mister, I think it's only fair that you should know five things. First, the bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat. Second, the bouncer is also a blonde woman. Third, I'm a blonde with a black belt in karate. Fourth, the woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional boxer. Fifth, the lady to your right is a blonde and a decorated war veteran."
She puts her hand on the blind man's arm and says, "Now think about it seriously buddy. Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man thinks for a moment, shakes his head and mutters," Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five bloody times."

 

[Damp Squarie]

Porter bangs on the toilet door on a train
'Tickets please'
Passenger replies 'I'm having a s**t'
Porter says 'I don't believe you pass it under the door'
Passenger replies ' The yellow bits are sweet corn'

 

[I bleed Blue]

I met the man who invented window sills.

What a ledge!

 

[4evablues]

I met the man who invented window sills.

What a ledge!

hahaha.....hilarious!!!

 

[4evablues]

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?"
The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."

 

[4evablues]

This eight-year-old kid says to his dad, “When I grow up, I want to be a musician.”

The dad says, “I'm sorry, son -- you can’t have it both ways.”

 

[I bleed Blue]

These ones are better when told rather than read.


I'll tell you what is a dangerous insect. That Hepatitis Bee!

I'll tell you where is a really dangerous place to swim. That Hepatitis sea!

 

[worbod]

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says," Hey!"
The horse says, "Sure."

 

[RedmanWasHere]

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says," Hey!"
The horse says, "Sure."

Not sure what's better.

Your jokes or your stats gems.

Both are awesome.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

So the person who's been arrested for stealing luggage was found in the quickest time ever.

Must've been a briefcase.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

 

[worbod]

A brain walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at him and says, "Sorry I can't serve you. You're already out of your head."

 

[worbod]

Two cannibals were eating together. The first one says, "Man, I hate my mother-in-law."
The second replies, "So, try the potatoes."

 

[4evablues]

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says," Hey!"
The horse says, "Sure."

That's the best...so simple, so lame and so hilarious

 

[4evablues]

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.

One asked, "Do you know this guy?"

The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.

The same two guys walk by.

The first asks, "Do you know him?"

The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

 

[RedmanWasHere]

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.

One asked, "Do you know this guy?"

The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.

The same two guys walk by.

The first asks, "Do you know him?"

The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."

DAAAAAAAAAAAAD!

 

[KennyK]

Whilst driving, a blonde gets pulled over by the police for speeding.

"Ma'am, I'll have to ask you to identify yourself," the officer says.

The blonde reaches into her purse, pulls out a mirror and looks into it.

"Yep, it's me!"

 

[worbod]

A man who had always had a fear of someone being under his bed at night went to a psychiatrist. He tells the shrink, “I've got a problem; every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” the man said.
Six months later, the psychiatrist met the man on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, eighty dollars a visit three times a week for a year is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.”
“Is that so?” said the shrink, with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

 

[RedmanWasHere]

A man who had always had a fear of someone being under his bed at night went to a psychiatrist. He tells the shrink, “I've got a problem; every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” the man said.
Six months later, the psychiatrist met the man on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, eighty dollars a visit three times a week for a year is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new car.”
“Is that so?” said the shrink, with a bit of an attitude. “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

.

 

[KennyK]

A blonde was tired of all the abuse she received because she was blonde so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.

A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her and asked, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the abuse anymore."

The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck?"

She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."

 

[4evablues]

Two elephants fell over a cliff

Boom, boom

 

[4evablues]

 

[4evablues]

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!

 

[RedmanWasHere]

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror!

Is that a good reflection of you?

 

[worbod]

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.