Lame Jokes Part 2

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When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:
"I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

And Hillary did so promise.

Through the entire 30 years of their marriage, Hillary had never looked.
But, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of
her.. She lifted the lid and peeked inside.

Inside the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious
as to why there was such a box, and with those contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my
promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However,
today the temptation was too much and I gave in. And now I need
to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put
an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to
do it again.

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica.
I'm disappointed and saddened by your behaviour; however, since
you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen, and I guess 3 times
is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and
made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that
money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans,
I took them to the recycling centre." :D
 

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I was in the six item express lane at Coles quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,

"So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.*

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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'o_O"

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A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.:D

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Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!;)

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Valentine's Day: Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

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Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England.o_O

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If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

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They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

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A wealthy Jewish husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. “Ours is prettier," she replies.

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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woolies. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.:drunk:

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Police stop an aboriginal in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".:D

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63 Pakistanis died on Christmas Island this morning. It was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed in the detention centre collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA :).
 
worbod said:
Last night I saw a man at the pub chatting up three women whilst covered in mashed-up fruit. I thought to myself, "Wow, he's a smoothie."
Click to expand...


Their personalities must've blended.
 
A vegan, an atheist and a crossfitter walk into a bar.

I only know cause they told everyone within a minute.
 

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Let's raise the standards here with some toilet humour

1) A drunk man is standing at the urinal doing his business. Suddenly the door bursts open and a flustered-looking man comes rushing in. He frantically unzips himself, pulls out a HUGE utensil, and lets out an audible sigh. "Phew! I just made it".

The drunk guy stares at the man's massive member. "Could you make one like that for me too?"


2) An American and a Russian walk up to the urinal. The American unzips himself, and whips out a massive utensil. It's such a magnificent specimen, the Russian can't help but stare.

The American sees this, grins broadly, and gestures proudly to his member and says "Made in Texas!"

The Russian unzips himself........and whips out TWO massive utensils! The American is gobsmacked and stares open-mouthed.

The Russian grins broadly, gestures, and says......."Made in Chernobyl!!"
 
An old priest lay dying in a hospital in Canberra. He had served the people of the nation’s capital for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
“Yes father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I die” whispered the priest.
“I will see what I can do” said the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a response.
Soon and answer came back; Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital Turnbull commented to Shorten “I don’t know why this old priest wants to see us,
but it certainly will help our images and may even help our re-election prospects”.
Shorten agreed it was a good thing.

When the arrived at the priest’s room the priest took Turnbull’s hand in his right hand and Shorten’s hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest’s face.
Finally Shorten spoke “Father of all people you could have chosen, why did you chose us to be with you at this time
when your end is so near?”

The old priest slowly replied “I have always tried to pattern my life and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.”
“Amen” said Turnbull.
“Amen” said Shorten.
The old priest continued “Jesus Christ our saviour died between two lying thieving bastards and I would like to do the same”:(
 
I was on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On my right side was a sharp fall. On my left side was an elephant travelling at the same speed as me. Directly in front of me was a galloping kangaroo and my horse was unable to overtake it. Behind me was a lion running at the same speed as me and the kangaroo. There was only one thing I could do to get out of this highly dangerous situation:


I quickly got off the merry-go-round and went home.
 
Today I told my doctor that my body hurts all over.
“Show me,” says the doctor.
So I poked my forearm and screamed in pain. Then I touched my thigh and screamed again. I then poked my toe and screamed.
“I think I know what the problem is,” he says. “You have a broken finger.”:)
 
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