Lame Jokes Part 2

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May 20, 2001
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51,394
Kufa, Iraq
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Adelaide
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Banhammer Big House Under 70s
An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

"But a man is sitting on the well!"
 

worbod

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 26, 2008
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Bendigo
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A bunch of bears were in need of some cash to put away before they went into their six months hibernation. They journeyed through their forest and marched into the nearest council office where they were promptly given jobs working on the roads.
On their first day, the foreman told them to grab a pick and shovel each, and start filling holes along the road.
Two months later, upon turning up for work one morning, the bears became very upset and went to see the foreman.
"What's the matter?" the foreman asked.
"Someone's taken all our picks," said one of the bears.
"That’s right!" said the foreman, bursting into song, “because - today's the day the Teddy Bears get their picks nicked".
 

worbod

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 26, 2008
5,886
7,507
Bendigo
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Liverpool
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at a saloon drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?"
The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"
The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves Silver into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't any breeze, so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.
Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back to the bar and orders another whiskey.
After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?"
Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"
"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."
 

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worbod

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 26, 2008
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7,507
Bendigo
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Liverpool
A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention.

"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?", he asks.

"What does he look like?", asks one of the cowboys at the bar.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket. And he rode into town, sittin' on a brown paper saddle."

"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin' ".
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
"Well,” snarled the naval officer to the bewildered sailor, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.”

“Not me, sir!” the sailor replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!”:p
 

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rayven

Norm Smith Medallist
Jun 26, 2005
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Sluts are like haunted mansions. They're nice to look at from afar; but its never a good idea to go in. That shits haunted
 

worbod

Norm Smith Medallist
Oct 26, 2008
5,886
7,507
Bendigo
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Liverpool
A man is driving along a quiet country road, when his car begins making a strange noise. Next, it starts to wobble slightly, and after a few more seconds, one of the wheels comes off, causing the man to come to a complete stop on the side of the road. The man gets out of his car and, knowing he does not have a spare tyre in the boot, decides to walk until he gets to somewhere he can make a phone call for help. After walking for half an hour, he sees a large building in the near distance. As he gets closer to the building, he sees a large gate at the entrance and notices another man standing near the gate. Upon getting closer he sees a sign out the front of the building which states it is the local insane asylum. The man by the gate is dressed in plain white clothing, giving him the appearance of being an inmate. Keen to simply go inside and make his phone call, the man decides to walk past the fellow by the gate and enter the main building. As he attempts to do this, the other man says hello to him. Sensing the man is indeed an inmate, he politely says hello back to him, and attempts to keep walking. Then the other man calls out to him, “Hey mate, do you want to see something interesting?”
Not wanting to make the inmate angry in any way, the stranded man decides he had better respond and thus asks the inmate to show him what he has.
“Take a look in my hand here, mate,” he is instructed.
The inmate opens his hand and reveals he is holding a small beetle.
“Now, watch this,” the inmate says, and begins talking to the beetle.
“Beetle, go to my wrist,” says the inmate, and the beetle crawls to his wrist.
“Beetle, go to my thumb,” and the beetle crawls to his thumb.
“Beetle, go to my pinkie,” is the next request, and the beetle again obliges.
“Now, watch this,” says the inmate, upon which, he pulls off all the beetle’s legs. He then raises his voice and shouts, “Beetle! Go to my wrist!” The beetle of course, does not move.
“Beetle! Go to my thumb!” he yells, but the beetle does not go.
“Beetle! Go to my pinkie!” shouts the inmate, but once more the beetle cannot move.
Then, taking a step closer to the man, the inmate informs him, “You see, when you pull all their legs off, they go deaf.”
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.

If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump west of Coles Bridge in Central Park."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
 

Double the Fist

i wull eet yur fayce karnt
Dec 16, 2008
25,378
20,400
On the edge....
AFL Club
West Coast
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting."

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job.

If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000.

He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is.

The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump west of Coles Bridge in Central Park."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
awesome. I actually look forward to work on wednesday now mate:D
 
May 20, 2001
39,274
51,394
Kufa, Iraq
AFL Club
Adelaide
Other Teams
Banhammer Big House Under 70s
In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3," rather than,
"I've just @#$% a fourteen year old escort."
The police still haven't seen the funny side of it and they've confiscated my laptop.
However, the news isn't all bad.
The wife has gone to stay with her mother.
 

rayven

Norm Smith Medallist
Jun 26, 2005
9,955
1,749
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PC racing
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is
that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
little piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
 

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