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Discussion in 'Humour Board' started by Hard Ball Get, Aug 29, 2010.
Q.What do you call a Mexican who had his car stolen?
A. Juan Carlos
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What do you do if you see a fireman?"
Put it out, man
.... OMG lol
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest,
biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today andI saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, 'Grandpa.......... Go home !!!'
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.
But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage "OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".
The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing.
"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "
What a female computer wears during that time of the month.
What do you call a lady standing in the middle of a tennis court?
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at thefront door, who do you let in first ?The dog, of course; it will shut up once you let it in.
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
A Glasgow policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup.
"What's the situation?"
"A big fat darkie is dancing on a car roof."
"You can't say that over the radio," replies the operator. "You have to use the politically correct terminology"
“OK" he says:
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.
When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.
Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman looked at each other ... suspicious of the claims.
"Did this actually happen to you,Paddy ?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
My mate, Bob, took an English exam on palindromes.
He wrote his name at the top of the paper...
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh . . . no pun in ten did.
Great Christmas gift-
Santa's Nut Sack - Twin Pack
Too salty for my liking haha
An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, the lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.
The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old bugger what his name is.'
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from thereindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. Iwould like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 forChristmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.Merry Christmas,Timmy Jones* *
Dear Timmy,Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are allfine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all thetime you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you toget fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring yousomething you can go outside and play with.Merry Christmas,Santa Claus* *
Mr. Claus,Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear togranting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn thisjoyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe atmy weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bittrite?Respectfully,Tim Jones* *
Mr. Jones,While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is ita guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have beenon retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will bemore than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise Ialluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your socialskills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like thebottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.Very Truly Yours,S Claus* *
Now look here Fat Man,I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I wasattempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friendsinto this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boysand we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!T-Bone* *
Listen Pizza Face,Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world onone night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got yourshit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt peoplethat if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza rollall over the carpet of your mum’s basement. You’re not getting what youasked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole inyou’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.S Clizzy* *
Dear Santa,Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.Timmy* *
Timmy,That’s what I thought you little bastard.Santa
It's in about 1989, and PM Hawke is visiting President Bush Sr in Washington. While he's there, he becomes pleasantly surprised at the high intellectual standard of Bush's staff.
"How do you always keep them on their toes, George?" the Silver Bodgie asks.
"Well, Bob, I just ask them to solve a riddle every day. I'll show you. Dan!"
Whereupon VP Quayle, since exposed as an idiot, comes bounding over.
"Dan, here's your daily riddle. Your mother has a child. It's not your sister nor your brother. Who could it be?"
"Well that's very simple, George. It's me."
"Good work, Dan" says the President with a pat on the head not dissimilar to the way to the way in which one pats a dog.
Hawke is amazed, and resolves to try it out back in Canberra with his loyal Treasurer, one P.J. Keating.
"Paul, I have a riddle for you. Your mother has a child. It's not your brother nor your sister. Who could it be?"
Keating is flabbergasted, and seeks the counsel of the smartest man in Parliament, the late Senator John Button.
"John! I need the answer to this riddle quickly! Your mother has a child. It's not your brother not your sister. Who on Earth could it be?"
Taking off his glasses slowly in his own trademark idiosyncratic style, with a voice full of stunned contempt, the reply comes back:
"Paul, you utter moron, it's me."
"I don't know why I didn't thank of that earlier. Thanks, John." Paul says gratefully, running back to the PM's office that will soon be his own.
"Bob, I've got the answer!"
Surveying him with condescending pity, Hawke sets the record straight.
"Don't be stupid, Paul. It's Dan Quayle."
What's the difference between Tony Abbott and Lance Armstrong?
One failed a dope test, the other's an American cyclist.
You lost me
2 snowmen in the field one turned to the the other and said i don't know about you but i can smell carrots
What did Rudolph the red nosed reindeer want for X-mas ?
A green light.
DREAM TEAM BUFF, was it my joke that lost you? I don't really blame you. It's one of the longer jokes in my repertoire. However, I shall commit the cardinal sin of joke-telling and explain the joke.
The gist of the joke is to satirise the perceived lack of intelligence on the part of our politicians.
PM Hawke goes to Washington, hears the riddle, and hears Dan Quayle answer correctly with "It's me".
Keating is also unable to solve this rather simple riddle, and seeks the counsel of John Button, who also answers correctly with "It's me".
The punchline is that both politicians now think that the answer to the riddle is the name of the person who they heard answering the riddle correctly with "It's me".
Hope that this clears things up a bit.
Darn it. Now even I don't find it funny anymore.
Araluenian i got yours i was just talking about Raskolnikov joke
I'm pretty sure "dope" is another word for popular or cool.