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A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On top of blueberry hill."
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, "Where have you been? Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill." and the girl says, "No, I am blueberry hill."
 
Points to Ponder:

Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes make him a sandwich.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took drugs to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take antidepressants to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of chilli chutney. What you enjoy today might burn your ass tomorrow.

...and, as someone recently said to me: Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
 

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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, .......

"A Chihuahua ?o_O They gave me a far kin Chihuahua ?!":mad:
 
It was a practical experiment in a college psychology class. The professor brought out a large cage with a male rat in it. The rat was positioned in the middle of the cage.

The professor put a piece of cake on one side and added a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and put in some cheese. The male rat ran towards the cheese. This experiment went on with the professor changing the food and, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.

The professor said "This experiment shows that food is the most important attraction for males".

Then, one of the students from the back row said "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? She might be his wife".
 
At the store today, when the cashier said, "Strip down facing me" apparently she was referring to my credit card!
 

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A man woke up in the hospital bandaged from head to toe.

The doctor came in and said, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groaned, but the doctor went on, "You have $9000 in insurance
compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perked up.

"So," the doctor said, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I
understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agreed to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor came back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," said the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" said the man.

"Well, what's your decision?" asked the doctor.

"We're getting granite bench tops for the kitchen.":(
 
Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
 
Folks, I have written a book and am quite proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 15+ years of golfing experience.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 am

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 8 ) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

The book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY

Ø A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

Ø A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer

Ø A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

Ø A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

Ø A Cuban - needs one more revolution

Ø An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

Ø An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

Ø A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

Ø A Kate Moss - bit thin

Ø A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

Ø A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole

Ø A Rodney King - overclubbed

Ø An O. J. Simpson - got away with it

Ø A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

Ø A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

Ø A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

Ø An Elephant's arse - high and shitty

Ø A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good

Ø A Sister-in-law – you’re up there but you know you shouldn't be

I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out!

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise.
 
In 1970, Russell Jones, an Echuca mechanic, was called up for national service. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Russell a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Russell for 45 years.
 
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