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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his ass, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to s**t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
 

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philreich said:
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his ass, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate them!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to s**t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Click to expand...
Harry Reems thought you would like this one.
 
All of the ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table.

He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked...

Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?

Oh, no sir, positively not! Bob replied.

Are you absolutely sure? asked the chairman.

Honest, I never been close enough to even touch her!o_O

You swear to that?

Yes, I swear I never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.

Good, then you fire her !!!:drunk:
 
A woman enters the doctors surgery, in floods of tears
The doctor asks her " What the problem is?"
She shyly points to her crotch and says "its down there doctor, its not right! My husband wont even come near me!!"
The doc asks her to undress and get on the table for an examination
She does this and as the doctor approaches he instantly gags on the putrid smell, but continues into take a closer look
"What is it doctor, What the f*ck is it?" she screams
The doctor has now put cotton wool up his nose and goughs and chokes as he tries to speak
"Im not sure" he says "I think it could be a sever case of Stinkyfanny!", "Ive never treated it before, only heard about it in Med School"
"We will need to take some tests". The doc swabs away and finally gets the woman to close her legs and get dressed.
as he opens the windows he tells the lady that results will be back in 14 days.

14 days pass and the lady returns for the results
"I wont mess about here" says the Doc "its as I feared, its Stinkyfanny and Im afraid there is no known medical cure"
"No! No! No!" the woman shrieks "what am I going to do?"
The doctor asks her if she is religious at all?
"Yes Doctor, I am Catholic"
"well, Youd better get down to church asap and pray, pray, pray, as its your only hope, Im afraid"

In floods of tears, the woman makes her way to church. She goes inside, its empty and she makes her way down to the altar closes her eyes and begins to pray like she has never prayed before.

This goes on for 5 mins or so until she hears a sort of metalic chinking noise and as she opens her eyes she sees an old bent rusty nail lying on the floor between her kneeling legs.

She is puzzled as to why its there, did it fall out? If so she doesn't care how it got there, but she screams "hallelujah" and looks up to to thank God...

...only to see the crucifix on the wall, with Jesus using one hand to pinch his nose!
 
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." :mad:

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"o_O

"John," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, John?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible grunt in his voice, and without moving, John replied... "The balcony"
 
Clive: let's form a band!
Ulrika: what's shall we name it?
Neil: let's do what ABBA did!
Toni: bad idea
 
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Port Adelaide Police (PAP) report finding a man˙s body in the river near the Tavern.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family have been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap on dildo, purple lipstick and a Poort Paer T-shirt.

He also had a cucumber in his rectum.

The police removed the Poort Paer T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
 

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I was in the "Texas Rose" tavern last night at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me and slapped me on the arse:mad:.

She said, "Hey Sexy, I dig old guys, how about giving me your number?"

I looked at her and said, "Do you have a pen?"

"I sure do," she answered.

"Well," I said, "You better get back into it before the farmer notices that you're missing.":rolleyes:
 
A man walked out on the street and caught a taxi going past.

He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing, you’re just like Brian”

The passenger said “Who?”

Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. o_O He’s a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody”

Cabbie: “ Not Brian Sullivan, he was a terrific athlete, could have won the Grand Slam at tennis, he could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star...And you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy”.

Passenger: “ Sounds like he was something really special”.

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer, he remembered everybody’s birthday and he knew all about wine. Which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.

He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right”.

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then”.

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in the traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan”.

Passenger: “ An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m married to his far king widow”.:(
 
Just a reminder for any American friends on this forum...
As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.
The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky...and Monica blew it!:D
 
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Adelaide Airport Terminal. The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from South Australia. After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from SA commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from SA commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman went on, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the SA lady commented, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"

The first woman then asked, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the SA lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my Lord! What could they teach you??"

The SA lady responded, "Well as an example, instead of saying, "Who gives a ****?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that fantastic?"
 
A couple is watching a show about psychology. During a commercial break the man says to the woman, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that would make me happy and sad at the same time."

The woman thinks for a moment and then says quite deadpanned, "Sweetheart, your c*ck is bigger than that of all your friends."
 
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