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An Aussie, a Texan and a New Zealander are standing round a barbie whilst the Aussie turns the snags.

The Texan says " In Texas, we have the biggest steers in the world, a Sirloin steak off them is so big, you need a forklift to put it on a BBQ"

The New Zealander not to be outdone says "Churr bro, back home we have the biggest sheep in the world, they are so big that it takes three men all day just to shear it" (and yes obviously they take turns shearing it :) )

The Aussie turns the snags again, looks at his two friends and says " in Australia, our women have the biggest vaginas in the world, they are this big" he says as he extends his arms out as far as he can.

The Texan and the New Zealander looked stunned and say " so how do you have sex then"

The Aussie looks at them, shrugs and says " they stretch"
 

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A mother and 10 year old son are driving behind a garbage truck when suddenly a big black dildo flys off the truck and smacks into the cars windscreen.
The son turns to his mum and asked "what was that?"
His mum, shocked says " um um, it's an insect"
"An insect?" The son replies.
"Yes" says the mum.
"But how does in get off the ground?" Asks the son.
"What do you mean?" Asks the mum.
The son replies " did you see the utensil on that thing?"
 
An Irishman named Dave is tragically killed in a house fire. His body is taken to the morgue, where two of his mates show up to identify him. The first one goes in, has a look, and says, "It could be him, but could you please turn him over?" The mortician rolls the body onto its stomach, and the man says immediately, "Nope that definitely isn't Dave."

Then the second mate goes in, has a good look at the body, and says, "It could be him, but could you please turn him over?" Again, the mortician rolls the body onto its stomach, and the man says immediately, "Nope that definitely isn't Dave."

The mortician is puzzled, "Why do you guys keep asking me to roll him onto his stomach?"

The man replies, "Simple - when he was alive, people would point at Dave and say, 'There goes Dave with those two bums.'"
 
Two kids, one aged 7, the other aged 5 are talking before breakfast.
The 7yo says:
"I reckon we're old enough,I'm gonna start swearing."
5yo replies: "Right.I'm with ya."
They go downstairs for breakfast.
Mum asks the 7yo: "What would you like for breakfast ?"
7yo says: "Just give me bloody Corn Flakes bitch."
Mum hits him over the head so hard, he runs off crying.
Then looks at the 5yo and says: "What do you want for breakfast ?"
To which he says:
"Well, by the way you hit that campaigner, it won't be *in' Corn Flakes"
 
I was picking up my 4 year old son, James, from daycare but he was late out. I saw his classmate Sophie standing with her mother and thought I would just ask her how long he would be.

As I said her name she looked up at me, teary eyed, and I asked what was wrong. She replied "My mummy is selling my pussy because we need money".

"Really?" I asked in response as I looked at her mum, she showed a look of guilt. I said to her "How much for one night?"

Apparently there was some misunderstanding...
 
Catatonic Shock said:
Probably why it's a joke thread and not a "real life story" thread?
Click to expand...

Yes, but he told it as though happening to him, Rodney Dangerfield "so I ask the cab driver to take me somewhere fun, he takes me to my place!" style.

If you don't want yourself to be the character in the joke you use the tried and true "a guy does this, does that".
 
Duritz said:
Yes, but he told it as though happening to him, Rodney Dangerfield "so I ask the cab driver to take me somewhere fun, he takes me to my place!" style.

If you don't want yourself to be the character in the joke you use the tried and true "a guy does this, does that".
Click to expand...

That requires effort!
Can't have that...
But you are correct, I dare say most are copy pastes.
 

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Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Kevin said: 'Shingles.'

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had ....

Kevin said, 'Shingles.'

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.'

So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'o_O
 
Moishe had a wife named Gitel, who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning until night (and sometimes later), for the 65 years they had been married, Gitel was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out buying and selling junk and scrap metal with his old mule. Consequently, he was away from home 'very' often.

One day, when Moishe was negotiating a deal with another junk dealer, Gitel brought him lunch. Moishe drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately after saying his 'broches' (blessings), Gitel began nagging him again.
Complain, gripe, nag, nag; it was just never ending.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet and caught Gitel smack in the back of the head, killing her dead on the spot.
At the funeral the next day, one of the Rabbi's noticed something rather odd.
When a female mourner approached Moishe, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the Rabbi decided to ask him about it. After the funeral, the Rabbi spoke to Moishe and asked his old and dear friend why he nodded his head in agreement with all the women, but always shook his head in disagreement with the men.
Moishe said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about what a good person my wife was, or how she was such a good cook or devoted wife, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the Rabbi asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.";)
 
Wallaby said:
A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer. After the barman serves him, he says 'It's funny - we've got a drink named after you'.

The grasshopper said 'What? You've got a drink called Kevin?'
Click to expand...

That joke's older than your Mum.
 
A couple realise they are spending too much and decide to go through the bills together.

"Look at this," demands the wife, "$50 on beer."
The husband replies, "Well, what about this? $50 on make up?"
The wife looks at him with a smile and says, "Darling, I have to have the make up so I can look young and attractive for you."
The husband shouts back, "That's what the fecking beer was for!"
 
So a lady too her pet schnauzer to the vet and tells him: "He's always been such an obedient dog but now he won't do a thing I tell him."
The vet has a look and says: "It's because he can't hear you. Look at all that fur growing in his ears."
So he trims away the fur in the dog's ears and the lady gives the usual commands and the dog obeys perfectly.
"Now,"says the vet. "On your way home, drop into the chemist and get some of that hair removal cream and dab a bit inside the dog's ears from time to time. That'll fix it."
So the lady goes into the chemist and asks for the cream. The chemist says: "Yes, now this cream must be used carefully in case it causes irritation, do you understand?
And the lady says: "That's all right. I'm only going to use it on my schnauzer."
 
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