Certified Legendary Thread Pearlers Only

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Duritz said:
A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet. He got lost at C.
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Once, there was a calf whose mother had passed away while birthing. So the farmer, being a good man and not wanting to lose the calf, decided to handraise it, and keep it as the family pet. The calf slept inside, on an old baby mattress that they had used when their children were young. They no longer needed it because their children were grown and had families of their own. The farmer and his wife didn't see their children as much as they'd like, and as such the calf took on a special place in their hearts. They would not admit it, but raising the calf again was bringing up the old parental emotions. As they were older now this was an unexpected joy for both of them.

So, as the calf grew to a young cow the farmer and his wife realised they needed to let the young cow graze outside during the day time. Still, every night the cow would come back up and moo at the back door. They had converted one of the kids bedrooms into a pen for the cow. It had a lot of straw, it was warm, safe, secure; everything a parent should provide, and the cow would sleep their each night.

Every night after dinner the cow would sit on the loungeroom floor as the farmer and his wife watched television. They realised after a time that the cow liked movies most of all. So, in time, they fell into a nightly post-dinner routine of sitting down in the loungeroom and putting on a movie. As more time went on, the farmer and his wife realised that the cow particularly liked romance movies. She sat up with great attention one night as they watched Gone with the Wind. So, as more time went on, they tailored their movie watching around these types of films.

One night, the cow was especially moved by a film. The farmer had suggested they watch Casablanca. Whether it was because the film was in black and white, whether it was the actors, or the musical score, the farmer and his wife did not know, but the cow was clearly emotionally stirred by the film. She let out a long, sorrowful, lowing moo as the film reached it's conclusion. The farmer and his wife were very touched by this cow's seemingly very human side.

"What do you think it's all about?" the farmer's wife asked.

"I don't really know," replied the farmer, "it's a strange one, but clearly she found that film very moooooving."
 
Duritz said:
A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet. He got lost at C.
Click to expand...
Duritz said:
Once, there was a calf whose mother had passed away while birthing. So the farmer, being a good man and not wanting to lose the calf, decided to handraise it, and keep it as the family pet. The calf slept inside, on an old baby mattress that they had used when their children were young. They no longer needed it because their children were grown and had families of their own. The farmer and his wife didn't see their children as much as they'd like, and as such the calf took on a special place in their hearts. They would not admit it, but raising the calf again was bringing up the old parental emotions. As they were older now this was an unexpected joy for both of them.

So, as the calf grew to a young cow the farmer and his wife realised they needed to let the young cow graze outside during the day time. Still, every night the cow would come back up and moo at the back door. They had converted one of the kids bedrooms into a pen for the cow. It had a lot of straw, it was warm, safe, secure; everything a parent should provide, and the cow would sleep their each night.

Every night after dinner the cow would sit on the loungeroom floor as the farmer and his wife watched television. They realised after a time that the cow liked movies most of all. So, in time, they fell into a nightly post-dinner routine of sitting down in the loungeroom and putting on a movie. As more time went on, the farmer and his wife realised that the cow particularly liked romance movies. She sat up with great attention one night as they watched Gone with the Wind. So, as more time went on, they tailored their movie watching around these types of films.

One night, the cow was especially moved by a film. The farmer had suggested they watch Casablanca. Whether it was because the film was in black and white, whether it was the actors, or the musical score, the farmer and his wife did not know, but the cow was clearly emotionally stirred by the film. She let out a long, sorrowful, lowing moo as the film reached it's conclusion. The farmer and his wife were very touched by this cow's seemingly very human side.

"What do you think it's all about?" the farmer's wife asked.

"I don't really know," replied the farmer, "it's a strange one, but clearly she found that film very moooooving."
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"Pearlers only" thread needs a three strikes policy.....
 
The recession has hit everybody really hard.

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
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This Chinese guy goes into a bank to change some currency.
After receiving his money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."
 
philreich said:
The recession has hit everybody really hard.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call-center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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Very funny.:thumbsu:
 
The bartender at a local bar in Broken Hill was so sure that he was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops would win the money. Many people tried over the years . . . weightlifters, miners bikers, dock workers, etc., but nobody was able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came into the bar. He ordered a glassof draft and started looking around the bar. After reading the sign about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said. "OK." He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it . . . then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon . . . and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked the little man: "Do you mind if I ask what do you do for a living? Are you a trucker, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for The Australian Taxation Office."
 
Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel *ing great!!!'
 
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a BP petrol station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only petrol tin he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with juice and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with fuel, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring it into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!!':)
 
A class of 7 year olds has just returned to the classroom after lunch, and their teacher is going around the room, asking the kids what they did for lunch. She starts with Johnny, "What did you do for lunch today?"

Johnny says, "Mrs. Patterson: I played cars in the sandpit."

Mrs. Patterson says, "That sounds like fun, Johnny. OK - if you can spell CARS for me you can go home early."

Excitedly, Johnny says, "C-A-R-S."

The teacher says, "Well done. OK - we'll see you tomorrow."So Johnny is out the door faster than Usain Bolt.

Then the teacher asks Jenny, "What did you do for lunch today?"

Jenny says proudly, "Mrs. Patterson - I played cars in the sandpit with Johnny."

The teacher replies, "That's great, Jenny. OK: if you can spell SAND for me, you can go home early as well."

Without hesitating, the little girl says, "S-A-N-D."

Mrs. Patterson says, "Well done - see you tomorrow."

So Jenny exits the building faster than a Mitchell Starc yorker.

Then Mrs. Patterson says to Jimmy, "What did you do for lunch today?"

Jimmy puts on his sad face and says, "Mrs. Patterson: I wanted to play cars in the sandpit with Johnny and Jenny, but they wouldn't let me."

The teacher says, "OK Jimmy. If you can spell RACIAL DISCRIMINATION for me, you can go home early."
 
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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was scratching his nuts, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.:mad:

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his schlong hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said,

'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school:eek:.
 
A mother finds a pile of fetish and bondage magazines under her teenage son's bed. "What are we going to do?" she asks the husband. The husband replies ' "Well, whatever you do, don't ******* spank him".
 
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