MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE
Premiership Captain
FIRST QUARTER
Richard Colless was fast asleep in the comfort of his bed. He was awoken suddenly by a flash of hellfire. Out of the hellfire, there appeared a demon. Colless immediately recognised the demon's face - it was that of his former business partner, Roosy.
"Colless!" the demon roared
"Roosy? B-b-b-but I thought you were dead!" Colless stammered.
"I was dead, but then I was resurrected by the Dark Lord Jackson," Roosy explained "and I am now cursed to wander the earth in this form for the next 2 years, with the option for a 3rd".
"What are you doing here?" Colless asked.
"I'm here to help you restore the Bloods culture you destroyed with your greed. And what of my 'no dickheads' policy, Colless? You destroyed that too!" Roosy stated angrily.
"What can I do about it?" Colless grumbled.
"I come with a warning. You will be visited by 3 spirits this evening. If you do not heed their warnings and change your ways, you will suffer a fate worse than mine!" Roosy warned.
"What fate could be worse than coaching Melbourne?" Colless wondered aloud.
"You will find out, unless you restore the bloods culture I built with blokes like Kirky, Mummy, Goodesy, Pykey and Joey Kennedy - you've really got to take your hat off to them."
Roosy chortled and then disappeared in another flash of hellfire.
Colless extended his middle finger at the air and grumbled "Bah! Humbug to the Bloods culture!" as he drifted off back to sleep.
SECOND QUARTER
Colless was soon awoken by the smell of patchouli in the air. In front of him, was a ghost wearing what appeared to be an old South Melbourne guernsey. Colless recognised his form instantly.
"Kirky! What are you doing here?"
"I am the ghost of Sydney past and I am here to take you on a journey. We're going to engage with our minds, and our hearts. We're going to exchange ideas, thoughts and even our energy. You'll need to have courage, you'll need to be honest and authentic. I won't always get it right, and sometimes you're not going to agree with me. But that's okay, because just like you, I care. Just like you, I'm passionate about the club. So if you want to come along for the ride, join me."
Colless sat still with his jaw dropped, but then composed himself and said "Thanks Kirky".
The ghost continued "Firstly, I would like to show you this".
Colless found himself transported to a grandstand. He realised that he was in the member's Stand at the SCG.
"Where are all the fans?" Colless asked. Sure enough, save for a small cheersquad who had fallen asleep and the odd scattering of burly blokes in light blue rugby league jumpers, the stadium was empty. Gary Buckenara was in the coaches box, curled up into the foetal position while rocking back and forth.
"Right now, the Swans are in the middle of a 26 match losing streak. On a good day, the Swans could get 8000 fans to a match. It started when they tried to throw money at players like Healy, Capper and Williams to lure them and keep them here. As a Buddhist, I've learned that material things do not buy happiness. What you are seeing now is why the AFL stepped in to get 2 big names in Barassi and Lockett up here and started handing out the COLA".
The ghost returned Colless to his bedroom and stated "This was but a warning, for there are still 2 more ghosts to come" and then giggled until disappearing in a puff of sweet smelling smoke.
"Humbug to the no dickheads policy!" Colless called while again extending his middle finger to the air. He then drifted off back to sleep.
THIRD QUARTER
Colless was awoken by another ghost, who threw a crutch at full force and narrowly missed Richard's head.
"Who might you be?" Colless enquired.
Out of the shadows, a ghost built like the proverbial brick shithouse appeared, wearing a Sydney Swans guernsey with #46 on the back - unlike other nameless Swans recruits, nobody had wanted to swap their number to accommodate him. He had taken the form of Tony Lockett.
"G'day Dick!" the ghost greeted "I'm the ghost of Sydney present!"
"What is it you have to show me?" Colless asked.
The ghost transported Colless back to the surrounds of the SCG, which was still as empty as in the previous vision.
"I am here to show you the fickleness of the Sydney Swans fan in relation to team success" the ghost explained.
Colless and the ghost watched on as Sydney defender Peter Caven headbutted St Kilda's Tony Lockett in the elbow with full force. The handful of spectators booed loudly while calling Lockett every name under the sun and calling for him to be rubbed out for life.
The ghost took him to another scene, where a pig sporting Lockett's name and number had been let onto the ground. The crowd erupted into loud cheers, but lets face facts, they hadn't had much else to cheer about that day. Even Sandy Roberts call of "There's a pig at full forward!" could be heard clear as a bell. The ghost and Colless moved on after the pig was caught by Darren Holmes.
They were now at the SCG, only this time there was a sea of red and white #4 jumpers, and nary an empty seat to be seen. Tony Lockett was out there, having just slotted his 10th goal against Richmond, much to the adulation of the crowd. They watched on and listened to the crowd handing out advice to the players.
"Hey #1, kick it to Lockett! Hey #14, kick it to Lockett! Hey #24, kick it to Lockett!"
They may have inadvertantly gotten Derek Kickett's name correct, but unfortunately for Paul Roos and Paul Kelly, a champion player with 300+ games experience and the reigning Brownlow Medallist couldn't get arrested in this town.
"So one minute, you're public enemy #1, next thing you're the second coming of Jesus" Plugger concluded.
He flashed a couple more images to Colless, who could hear people celebrating and one person calling out "HERE IT IS!" followed by another celebration and one person calling out "NEK MINIT!"
They returned to Colless's bedroom, where the ghost warned "There is still one more spirit", before disappearing in a cloud of flatulence.
"The COLA is a bunch of humbug, I say!" Colless cried out while again extending his middle finger. He then drifted off back to sleep.
FOURTH QUARTER
Colless switched the radio on and the DJ announced "Good morning, Sydney! This is Ryan 'Fitzy' Fitzgerald on NOVA FM brekky!"
Colless was relieved. The events of the night prior had all been a dream. Colless got out of bed, put on his gown and put his feet into his slippers. The voice on the radio continued, "Alright, I've got a shoutout to one of our listeners - Richard Colless - who is getting a visit from the ghost of Sydney Yet To Come!"
Colless froze on the spot. "Are you he? Why you?"
The DJ replied "I'll give ya the hot tip mate, I also played 10 games for the Swannies. I'm just a messenger".
A ghost appeared from the corner of the room and it had taken the form of Adam Goodes. Fitzy continued "The next ghost is that dark spectre..."
As soon as Fitzy had said 'dark', the ghost pointed at the radio and Fitzy protested "Settle down, ya peanut! it's just a name. As I was saying, he is the ghost of Sydney Yet To Come".
Colless asked "So why doesn't he speak?"
Fitzy explained "He's doing a silent protest, to represent his people not having a voice in this country, or some political bullshit like that. Okay mate, I'm gonna throw to a song and I'll be back after the break."
The ghost beckoned Colless to follow him. "Give me a minute, it's pitch black in here!" Colless cried.
This time the ghost pointed at Colless. "It's just an expression!" he protested.
The ghost transported Colless back to the SCG. But things were different this time. Every fan outside the ground were wearing charcoal and orange with Jeremy Cameron's #18 on the back. Goodes pointed at every GWS fan that went past.
"Get over yourself, Goodesy! Teams are allowed to have charcoal on their jumpers!" Colless scolded, but then realised what the ghost was trying to tell him - nobody was wearing a Swans jumper.
The ghost pointed to a statue that had been built outside the ground. The figure was that of Kevin Sheedy, with the inscription 'KEVIN SHEEDY - THE FATHER OF FOOTBALL IN NEW SOUTH WALES' and underneath in smaller letters 'Paid for by Mr K Sheedy'.
The ghost then pointed to 2 gravestones, 1 either side of the statue. Inscribed were 'RIP BLOODS CULTURE 2002-2014' and 'RIP COLA 1993-2015'.
"Why are you showing me this?" Colless cried "What went wrong?"
The ghost projected a video of Lance Franklin living it up in Sydney.
It was followed by news clips of team-mates punching on with each other, the COLA being phased out, Daniel Hannebery crashing a car, players moving to other clubs in search of more money, Longmire being sacked with Mark Neeld being the only coach to apply for the vacancy, wooden spoons and finally the Swans being relocated to Canberra due to fans either turncoating to the Giants or going to the rugby instead.
Colless cried "I'm sorry! I didn't mean for all this to happen! I deserve this torture about as much as you deserved to win Australian of the Year!"
THE POST-MATCH REVIEW
Colless woke up in a cold sweat. The entire thing had been a nightmare, and he was certain of that this time. He took a couple of minutes to lie in bed and contemplate the message within the dream.
Then he thought to himself "Bugger them, I'll be retiring at the end of the year. It's someone elses problem".
Colless switched the radio on and Fitzy's voice blared from it:
"Melbourne by 46 points".
Richard Colless was fast asleep in the comfort of his bed. He was awoken suddenly by a flash of hellfire. Out of the hellfire, there appeared a demon. Colless immediately recognised the demon's face - it was that of his former business partner, Roosy.
"Colless!" the demon roared
"Roosy? B-b-b-but I thought you were dead!" Colless stammered.
"I was dead, but then I was resurrected by the Dark Lord Jackson," Roosy explained "and I am now cursed to wander the earth in this form for the next 2 years, with the option for a 3rd".
"What are you doing here?" Colless asked.
"I'm here to help you restore the Bloods culture you destroyed with your greed. And what of my 'no dickheads' policy, Colless? You destroyed that too!" Roosy stated angrily.
"What can I do about it?" Colless grumbled.
"I come with a warning. You will be visited by 3 spirits this evening. If you do not heed their warnings and change your ways, you will suffer a fate worse than mine!" Roosy warned.
"What fate could be worse than coaching Melbourne?" Colless wondered aloud.
"You will find out, unless you restore the bloods culture I built with blokes like Kirky, Mummy, Goodesy, Pykey and Joey Kennedy - you've really got to take your hat off to them."
Roosy chortled and then disappeared in another flash of hellfire.
Colless extended his middle finger at the air and grumbled "Bah! Humbug to the Bloods culture!" as he drifted off back to sleep.
SECOND QUARTER
Colless was soon awoken by the smell of patchouli in the air. In front of him, was a ghost wearing what appeared to be an old South Melbourne guernsey. Colless recognised his form instantly.
"Kirky! What are you doing here?"
"I am the ghost of Sydney past and I am here to take you on a journey. We're going to engage with our minds, and our hearts. We're going to exchange ideas, thoughts and even our energy. You'll need to have courage, you'll need to be honest and authentic. I won't always get it right, and sometimes you're not going to agree with me. But that's okay, because just like you, I care. Just like you, I'm passionate about the club. So if you want to come along for the ride, join me."
Colless sat still with his jaw dropped, but then composed himself and said "Thanks Kirky".
The ghost continued "Firstly, I would like to show you this".
Colless found himself transported to a grandstand. He realised that he was in the member's Stand at the SCG.
"Where are all the fans?" Colless asked. Sure enough, save for a small cheersquad who had fallen asleep and the odd scattering of burly blokes in light blue rugby league jumpers, the stadium was empty. Gary Buckenara was in the coaches box, curled up into the foetal position while rocking back and forth.
"Right now, the Swans are in the middle of a 26 match losing streak. On a good day, the Swans could get 8000 fans to a match. It started when they tried to throw money at players like Healy, Capper and Williams to lure them and keep them here. As a Buddhist, I've learned that material things do not buy happiness. What you are seeing now is why the AFL stepped in to get 2 big names in Barassi and Lockett up here and started handing out the COLA".
The ghost returned Colless to his bedroom and stated "This was but a warning, for there are still 2 more ghosts to come" and then giggled until disappearing in a puff of sweet smelling smoke.
"Humbug to the no dickheads policy!" Colless called while again extending his middle finger to the air. He then drifted off back to sleep.
THIRD QUARTER
Colless was awoken by another ghost, who threw a crutch at full force and narrowly missed Richard's head.
"Who might you be?" Colless enquired.
Out of the shadows, a ghost built like the proverbial brick shithouse appeared, wearing a Sydney Swans guernsey with #46 on the back - unlike other nameless Swans recruits, nobody had wanted to swap their number to accommodate him. He had taken the form of Tony Lockett.
"G'day Dick!" the ghost greeted "I'm the ghost of Sydney present!"
"What is it you have to show me?" Colless asked.
The ghost transported Colless back to the surrounds of the SCG, which was still as empty as in the previous vision.
"I am here to show you the fickleness of the Sydney Swans fan in relation to team success" the ghost explained.
Colless and the ghost watched on as Sydney defender Peter Caven headbutted St Kilda's Tony Lockett in the elbow with full force. The handful of spectators booed loudly while calling Lockett every name under the sun and calling for him to be rubbed out for life.
The ghost took him to another scene, where a pig sporting Lockett's name and number had been let onto the ground. The crowd erupted into loud cheers, but lets face facts, they hadn't had much else to cheer about that day. Even Sandy Roberts call of "There's a pig at full forward!" could be heard clear as a bell. The ghost and Colless moved on after the pig was caught by Darren Holmes.
They were now at the SCG, only this time there was a sea of red and white #4 jumpers, and nary an empty seat to be seen. Tony Lockett was out there, having just slotted his 10th goal against Richmond, much to the adulation of the crowd. They watched on and listened to the crowd handing out advice to the players.
"Hey #1, kick it to Lockett! Hey #14, kick it to Lockett! Hey #24, kick it to Lockett!"
They may have inadvertantly gotten Derek Kickett's name correct, but unfortunately for Paul Roos and Paul Kelly, a champion player with 300+ games experience and the reigning Brownlow Medallist couldn't get arrested in this town.
"So one minute, you're public enemy #1, next thing you're the second coming of Jesus" Plugger concluded.
He flashed a couple more images to Colless, who could hear people celebrating and one person calling out "HERE IT IS!" followed by another celebration and one person calling out "NEK MINIT!"
They returned to Colless's bedroom, where the ghost warned "There is still one more spirit", before disappearing in a cloud of flatulence.
"The COLA is a bunch of humbug, I say!" Colless cried out while again extending his middle finger. He then drifted off back to sleep.
FOURTH QUARTER
Colless switched the radio on and the DJ announced "Good morning, Sydney! This is Ryan 'Fitzy' Fitzgerald on NOVA FM brekky!"
Colless was relieved. The events of the night prior had all been a dream. Colless got out of bed, put on his gown and put his feet into his slippers. The voice on the radio continued, "Alright, I've got a shoutout to one of our listeners - Richard Colless - who is getting a visit from the ghost of Sydney Yet To Come!"
Colless froze on the spot. "Are you he? Why you?"
The DJ replied "I'll give ya the hot tip mate, I also played 10 games for the Swannies. I'm just a messenger".
A ghost appeared from the corner of the room and it had taken the form of Adam Goodes. Fitzy continued "The next ghost is that dark spectre..."
As soon as Fitzy had said 'dark', the ghost pointed at the radio and Fitzy protested "Settle down, ya peanut! it's just a name. As I was saying, he is the ghost of Sydney Yet To Come".
Colless asked "So why doesn't he speak?"
Fitzy explained "He's doing a silent protest, to represent his people not having a voice in this country, or some political bullshit like that. Okay mate, I'm gonna throw to a song and I'll be back after the break."
The ghost beckoned Colless to follow him. "Give me a minute, it's pitch black in here!" Colless cried.
This time the ghost pointed at Colless. "It's just an expression!" he protested.
The ghost transported Colless back to the SCG. But things were different this time. Every fan outside the ground were wearing charcoal and orange with Jeremy Cameron's #18 on the back. Goodes pointed at every GWS fan that went past.
"Get over yourself, Goodesy! Teams are allowed to have charcoal on their jumpers!" Colless scolded, but then realised what the ghost was trying to tell him - nobody was wearing a Swans jumper.
The ghost pointed to a statue that had been built outside the ground. The figure was that of Kevin Sheedy, with the inscription 'KEVIN SHEEDY - THE FATHER OF FOOTBALL IN NEW SOUTH WALES' and underneath in smaller letters 'Paid for by Mr K Sheedy'.
The ghost then pointed to 2 gravestones, 1 either side of the statue. Inscribed were 'RIP BLOODS CULTURE 2002-2014' and 'RIP COLA 1993-2015'.
"Why are you showing me this?" Colless cried "What went wrong?"
The ghost projected a video of Lance Franklin living it up in Sydney.
It was followed by news clips of team-mates punching on with each other, the COLA being phased out, Daniel Hannebery crashing a car, players moving to other clubs in search of more money, Longmire being sacked with Mark Neeld being the only coach to apply for the vacancy, wooden spoons and finally the Swans being relocated to Canberra due to fans either turncoating to the Giants or going to the rugby instead.
Colless cried "I'm sorry! I didn't mean for all this to happen! I deserve this torture about as much as you deserved to win Australian of the Year!"
THE POST-MATCH REVIEW
Colless woke up in a cold sweat. The entire thing had been a nightmare, and he was certain of that this time. He took a couple of minutes to lie in bed and contemplate the message within the dream.
Then he thought to himself "Bugger them, I'll be retiring at the end of the year. It's someone elses problem".
Colless switched the radio on and Fitzy's voice blared from it:
"Melbourne by 46 points".
