Media SFA Health and Safety Tribunal S19

[iBeng]

​

Welcome fellow Qooty professionals to the first ever official sitting of the SFA Health and Safety Tribunal. A bit of background on who we are and what we do: We are the last line of defence for your safety and that of your career. Qooty is a dangerous sport, you are forced to play against thugs, on mind fields and in volcanoes. So who is looking out for you, the player? Thats where we come in.

Previously we had approached the SFA Admin only to be rebuffed and told to go away. However changes in leadership brings new opportunities. Our first and primary goal is player safety. And we do this by analysing each match and highlighting passages of play that are just not on! Those we feel need to be taught a lesson will be TOLD OFF VERY STERNLY.

Without further ado, we have with us some very disturbing reports from the first round of the season:

Baghdad Bandits vs Fighting Furies at Abdu Prison

Apart from the disgusting conditions of the stadium and the very real risk of anything being explosive we kept our focus on the Qooty.

First Report:

1 : 12.52 {CHB} - With the ball is eth-dog.
1 : 12.56 {CHB} - Aussie Assault runs past and takes the handpass.
1 : 13 {CHB} - Someone call a dentist. Aussie Assault has run into Wacky Tiger and is hurting.

Our first fine for the season goes to a first gamer in Aussie Assault who ran without and regard for his own safety let alone the Furies captains! Very lucky they found his teeth. Or at least someones that matched.

Punishment: Slap on the wrist and told to do a better job next time.

Second Report:

2 : 15.51 {FB} - A wild handball - but luckily loopy_cam was well placed to clean up.
2 : 15.55 {lBP} - Sees JoshWoodenSpoon out of the corner of his eye.
2 : 16 {lBP} - Good grab JoshWoodenSpoon.
2 : 16.04 {lBP} - So JoshWoodenSpoon ... with a moment to digest his options.
2 : 16.08 {lBP} - Watch out! Oh! Nuffers has laid JoshWoodenSpoon out flat.

Now this shocked us, this was just plain uncalled for and we shouted angrily for Nuffers to be red carded. We were quickly told by the locals that we were white dogs, leading us to stay quiet for the remainder of the match.

Punishment: 10 minutes listening to fumbler explain his theory on how magnets work in microwaves.

Sin City Swamprats vs Geelong Wolves at Underground Stadium

Our second match inspection was at the new Underground Stadium of the Swamprats. Finished? No. Air con? Hardly! Rats?! So many damn RATS!

First Report:

2 : 14.53 {FB} - LukeParkerno1 sells the dummy and helps himself to a bounce.
2 : 15 {FB} - Gets a handpass away to i_dont_care.
2 : 15.04 {FB} - Someone call a dentist. I_Dont_Care has run into Hatchy1992 and is hurting.

It would appear the name i_dont_care is appropriate for this absolute loose cannon. Hatchy was lucky to get up after such a callous act! We were most disgusted.

Punishment: We glared at him when he came off for a drink, we dont think he saw us hopefully...

Second Report:

3 : 18.09 {C} - Gives the ball to Hatchy1992.
3 : 18.13 {C} - OOOOOOOooohh... i_dont_care has poleaxed Hatchy1992.

We suspected after this incident that there was some bad blood or possible spouse related concerns for these two. Hatchy was clearly dizzy after this and had to be escorted from the ground by the giant Wolf mascot.

Punishment: We decided that living in a rat infested underground health trap was good enough punishment for this dangerous individual.

 

[Nuffers]

Punishment: 10 minutes listening to fumbler explain his theory on how magnets work in microwaves.

Would lay him out again if he got in the way.

The punishment? After spending a season watching fumbler floss with his pre-worn g-string magnets and microwaves hold no fear.

 

[iBeng]

Las Vegas Bears vs East Side Hawks at The Stadium in the Sky

Next up we visited the match between these two sides held, could you believe it, in the SKY! Well, safe to say three of us had to stay behind as we were terrified of heights. When we found out it was just the name of the place we were embarrassed but enjoyed the strip club regardless.

First Report:

2 : 9.18 {FB} - Brought down by okeydoke7.
2 : 9.22 {FF} - okeydoke7 to send the ball forward.
2 : 9.26 {FF} - Great bump by FiveStrings. okeydoke7 has not moved.

We saw this particular incident from a mobile phone video and that was enough for us to see it was a horrible attempt to kill the SFA Admin. Clearly Fivestrings should have used more elbow and to a lower angle. That being said, he was naughty for doing it.

Punishment: If he ever wants to be Admin he can probably count out Okeys vote.

Second Report:

3 : 5.35 {rW} - Clint Beastwood made that tackle look worse than it was - free kick.
3 : 5.39 {lW} - Nobody's checking Clint Beastwood.
3 : 5.43 {lW} - No-look handpass to Itsmyshow.
3 : 5.48 {lW} - Great bump by pantskyle. Itsmyshow has not moved.

We bailed from the strip club after we realised most of the girls were over 30. We snuck past the snoozing gate guard for the start of the third quarter. Shocking time it turned out, as we saw Bears captain pantskyle hardly bump Itsmyshow out of the contest and out of his senses. Im not sure what kind of person enjoys this kind of show, but clearly the crowd did, the cheering was deafening!

Punishment: After some investigation on the Bears and their previous season we agreed that Pants had been punished enough. For now.


West Coast Wonders vs Coney Island Warriors at The Colosseum

We left the strip of the strippers with a few strips of cash and dignity as we made our way to the Wonders fortress. Or so we were told its called, we were also informed they were a bunch of thugs. Not surprising at all for us, but we were interested more in this so called Warriors and what disregard they had for safety.

First Report:

2 : 22.33 {CHB} - Norm Landrover can't mark but is able to bring the ball to ground.
2 : 22.37 {CHB} - Norm Landrover slowing down the play.
2 : 22.42 {CHB} - Norm Landrover dummy's the handpass and then takes a bounce.
2 : 22.43 {CHB} - Watch out! Oh! LicoriceAllsorts has laid Norm Landrover out flat.

It was pretty obvious that Norm was in Allsorts after this feirce and concerning hit. Remember those ads where someone would walk across the road looking at the phone and the car hit them out of no where? Imagine that but with more of a thud and less of a point to it. It was as if he was HIT by a Landrover.

Punishment: There was enough pun-ishment for us all in that last sentence, so we have let Licorice off.

Second Report:

3 : 17.05 {C} - croweater 41 takes them on.
3 : 17.09 {C} - Someone call a dentist. croweater 41 has run into Les Norton and is hurting.

Strangely some of the Tribunal members actually cheered this hit from croweater on Les. Not sure why, perhaps some history there. Either way it was completely negligent of crow to not at least try to change his direction. Instead poor Les was looking less a Qooty player and more a Collingwood fan. Still, thats a Warrior life for you.

Punishment: We have organised for a state certified dentist to remove one of Crows teeth and give it to Les. We believe it could be the first ever tooth transplant. Groundbreaking!

 

[Aussie Assault]

Jokes on them... I didn't have teeth to begin with.

 

[iBeng]

Dragons FFC vs Mount Buller Demons at Dragon Island

After getting confirmation that there were no ACTUAL Dragons on the home of the Dragons FFC we embarked on the ferry from the mainland. We were particuarly excited about this match, as we were told the Dragons had recruited some real hard hitters and that the Demons were snowbunnies. Whatever they are.

First Report:

1 : 17.4 {rHFF} - But the kick goes straight to LP04.
1 : 17.45 {lHBF} - With the ball is LP04.
1 : 17.46 {lHBF} - Smashed by @HARPSichord.

Remember those games you used to play that were labelled "Scary" and "Terrifying" when really they were just jump scares? Something came out of no where? Well, HARPS was channelling that plus an old 1800s steam locomotive. We were sure we heard a crunch at the very least. LP04 got up afterwards, which was great for him, but left us more concerned about his mental health.

Punishment: HARPS will be forced to remain in a side where he is about 15th in the pecking order to eat at the Dragons Feeding Trough that The Filth Wizard has installed.

Second Report:

4 : 18.3 {rW} - Flicks it to Hate.
4 : 18.34 {lW} - jenny61_99 on the end of this.
4 : 18.38 {lW} - Someone call an ambulance for jenny61_99. stewie griffen lined him up and did the job well.

This incident drew gasps from our female members. For several reasons, as we watched stewie line up poor jenny and deliver a brutal hit. However I believe they were more distressed at the commentators referring to jenny as a "him".

Punishment: I think he got it pretty quickly after thanks to a lightning left knee from jenny to stewies little stewie.


Gold City Royals vs Roys FFC at The Throne

At last, after witnessing five matches of brutal brutality and vicious viciousness we arrived at Gold City for the final game. Most of us were disillusioned by this stage as to the impact we could possibly have to help these poor souls. Yet we pushed on regardless, despite our concern at a lack of a wheel chair ramp for the Roys players.

First Report:

3 : 14.33 {lHFF} - A quick handpass to Reardo.
3 : 14.37 {lFP} - Gets a handpass away to fitzroybulldog.
3 : 14.41 {lFP} - Great bump by Son of God. fitzroybulldog has not moved.

I recall when I was younger my father telling me to respect my elders. They were wise, experienced and needed respect. No one told Son of God this and the Roys captain fitzroy found out the hard way. Quite honestly we were impressed at how fast he recovered from the hit, using his frame to absorb most of the blow.

Punishment: Guess who has to take the Roys bus to the early bird special on Saturday afternoon? Drive safe Son of God!

Second Report:

4 : 10.19 {C} - A measured kick in the direction of Mooch.
4 : 10.23 {C} - All up but nobody can take the mark.
4 : 10.28 {C} - Tommycash wants to get on with proceedings.
4 : 10.3 {C} - Someone call a dentist. Tommycash has run into Mooch and is hurting.

We have requested the Royals screen ALL their players eyes after this. Although Mooch is as much to blame, the concern here is that Tommy just didnt appear to SEE him. He ran straight into him! When he finally regained his senses he immediately marched off the field and into the stands, taking a seat in the third row. We do have to report negligence on behalf of Mooch however, who really should have waved his arms or something.

Punishment: Both players will now be using Seeing Eye Dogs in future matches, who will bark when the ball is near and attack opposition players.

 

[pantskyle]

I endorse this thread.

 

[ClarkeM]

Good work Beng!

 

[fitzroybowiedog]

Son of God the bus will pick you up around 1:30ish. I hope you've got your chewing teeth ready.

 

[Jhye Clark 13]

Son of God the bus will pick you up around 1:30ish. I hope you've got your chewing teeth ready.

What bus?

 

[I Dont Care]

Ah, nothing a good swig of MP's special homebrew while a getting good rub-down from Shazza can't fix

 

[fitzroybowiedog]

What bus?

The Roys bus to the early bird special.
Read up stupid.

 

[Wise Guy Sam]

The Roys bus to the early bird special.
Read up stupid.

I think you've got this all backwards.

 

[fitzroybowiedog]

I think you've got this all backwards.

.diputs pu daeR
.laiceps drib ylrae eht ot sub syoR ehT

 

[Marlowe]

.diputs pu daeR
.laiceps drib ylrae eht ot sub syoR ehT

Hey, everyone's religion is their own, but please take your occultist, Satan worshipping jive elsewhere. This is hardly the platform or forum for it. Try the Polls board.

 

[Wise Guy Sam]

.diputs pu daeR
.laiceps drib ylrae eht ot sub syoR ehT

But SoG is driving - "drive safe Son of God"

Not passenger safe Son of God, which would be the correct well wish response if you team was supplying the geriatric driver.

Son of God the bus will pick you up around 1:30ish. I hope you've got your chewing teeth ready.

His punishment is to deliver you to the banquet and witness you and your kind slurp your food after the high knock he inflicted.

I'm surprised the bump is dead and you are not.

 

[fitzroybowiedog]

But SoG is driving - "drive safe Son of God"

Not passenger safe Son of God, which would be the correct well wish response if you team was supplying the geriatric driver.



His punishment is to deliver you to the banquet and witness you and your kind slurp your food after the high knock he inflicted.

I'm surprised the bump is dead and you are not.

We've got to get the bus to him somehow.

 

[croweater 41]

I'm taking my case to the Supreme Court. I am innocent.

 

[Chezzalenko Reborn]

Awesome thread Fitzy!

 

[iBeng]

I'm taking my case to the Supreme Court. I am innocent.

We'll let you off this once if you keep her the hell away from our Court please.

 

[This Is Anfield]

I'm taking my case to the Supreme Court. I am innocent.

Maybe, but you are pieces of cattle.

 

[croweater 41]

We'll let you off this once if you keep her the hell away from our Court please.

Done. My lawyer is happy with this outcome.

 

[iBeng]

A reminder to all Qooty players in todays games: THINK ABOUT EACH OTHER! Teeth dont grow on trees! Concussions are not cool! Clotheslines are for clothes, not for opposition heads!

Match incident and reports will be up post matches!​

 

[okeydoke7]

"Recognised and endorsed" - Some guy.

 

[iBeng]

"Recognised and endorsed" - Some guy.

 

[Smartys Power]

A reminder to all Qooty players in todays games: THINK ABOUT EACH OTHER! Teeth dont grow on trees! Concussions are not cool! Clotheslines are for clothes, not for opposition heads!

Match incident and reports will be up post matches!​

I may possibly do all of the above to you Beng!