Certified Legendary Thread The Cut

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Blease: You're just a bunch of low-income nobodies!
M Jones: Uh, list lodgment in October, list lodgment in October.
Blease: What, again? This stupid club!
 

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Paul Roos: Hey Malceski! Hey Jaksch! Come on in. There's plenty of room.
Sorry, not you, Heretier.
Heritier Lumumba: Why not?
[Roos points to sign, "No Dickheads Club"]
Heritier Lumumba: But you let in Dean Terlich.
Dean Terlich: [pops head out window] Hyuck hyuck!
Paul Roos: It says no Dickheads. We're allowed to have one.
Heritier Lumumba: Oh...
 
In the bowels of the MCG, Paul Roos wears a back-pack with an air compressor in it. He pulls the chain to start it, and blows all the useless spuds on our list into a swirling vortex. Potatoes are strewn everywhere when he shuts it down and dusts his hands.

Roos: All done.

Jackson: You're not done. I want you to throw away these old dud draft picks and Casey regulars.

Roos: Are you mad, Peter? You never know when a Casey regular might come in handy. Sure, it's not likely much use now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these dud draft picks: [fondly] so many memories.

[opens one] "Blease upsets Mark Neeld"...oh, I'll never forget that episode.

[imagines]

Neeld: [annoyed] Sam!

Blease: Shazam!

Neeld: Sam!

Blease: Shazam!

Neeld: Sam!

Blease: Shazam!

Roos: Heh heh heh...Shazam...
 
TV Reporter: Mitch Clark has has just decided to nominate Geelong as his club of choice

[all the coaching staff gasp]

Paul Roos: I'm beginning to think there'll be no 'Clark, Dawes, Hogan' at all
 
AFL Media: Now, this fortnight we're going to be mapping a bunch of things that are right now completely fictional. It's my hope that they're not.

AFL Public: So what are we supposed to do exactly?

Media: Just follow our rambling guesses and hope they're true when we give them to you. Day one, hour one, minute one ... no story.

Public: Mm-hm.

Media: Day one, hour one minute two...no story.

Public: Mm-hm.

The scene fades to later.

Media: (excitedly) Day thee, hour five, minute seven! ...no sighting. Did you get that one everybody?

Public: Piss off.
 
Peter Jackson: "SO, you like trading for players, eh?"
Paul Roos: "Uh-huh."
Jackson: "Well trade for all the players in the world!!!"

(Roos goes after Garlett, Lumumba and Frost initially)

Roos: "More."
Jackson: "I don't understand it, Mark Neeld went mad in 15 minutes!"
 


[Soon after, James Frawley leaves for Hawthorn.]

Neeld: This is my fault. I tried to teach James about club pride,
but the power of my words filled him with a sort of madness.

Roos: Now, Mark, you can't blame all of James's problems on your one little speech. If anything turned him bad, it's that time you let him wear a bathing suit instead of football shorts. And let's not forget your little speech!
 
The Melbourne Football Club have finally released the details of the process to appoint Simon Goodwin as successor to Paul Roos.

roos manor.jpg

The search for a successor took place at Paul Roos' estate, with every prospective coach in the AFL there to audition, including Cameron Ling, Brian Royal, Barry Hall, and Simon Goodwin. In his private auditorium, Paul Roos sits in a row by himself, the illustrious Peter Jackson holding a clipboard behind him. First up on the tryout list is Royal.


Royal: I have nothing to offer you but my love.

Roos: I specifically said, no geeks!

Royal: But my mom says I'm cool...

Roos: Next!

Hall: Gimme the coaching gig or I'll pound your withered old face in!

Roos: Oh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

Cameron Ling: [walks out as music begins]

Clang, clang, clang went the trolley!

Ring, ring, ring went the bell!

Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings -- oof! [Hall belts him]

Roos: Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.


Peta Searle: [clears throat] I propose to you that your heir not need be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours…

Roos: Er, I don't know what phallocentric means, but no girls!

Royal: [offstage, in drag] So much for Plan B.


Next up is Goodwin.


James Hird: That's it, boy: you can do it.

Goodwin: Aw, I just don't want to be here, James. Besides, I started a supplements program this morning that I really should keep an eye on.


Mark Thompson tries to steel his courage by reminding him that he'll have his whole future provided for. In his imagination, Goodwin walks across the stage at Harvard to receive his diploma.Thompson watches proudly from the audience until Gary Ablett Jr approaches him and asks Thompson to come away with him. He readily agrees, and Ablett carries him in his arms and leaps bionically into the air. Back in reality,Thompson thinks he should stop fantasizing about Gary Jr, but says, "Ehh, one more."


Hird: OK, boy, I wrote down exactly what to say. Just read it and you're a shoo-in!

Goodwin: [walks onstage, squints at cue cards] Hello, Mr. ...Koos. I bad want – coaching job now. Me qualified.

Hird: Ooh, he card reads good.

Goodwin: So pick please me, Mr. Roos.

Hird: [calling from offstage] It's "Koos", stupid!

Thompson: No it's not!

Hird: {Disregard.}


Roos is so frustrated at Goodwin's incompetence that he orders everyone

out except for Goodwin, whom he orders one step to the left. Goodwin complies,

only to have Roos turn some giant wheels to manipulate a boot to kick

him. Hird can't contain his mirth -- "The boot kicked Simon! It kicked

him right in the butt!" he laughs.


As the candidates walk down the driveway afterwards, Thompson observes Goodwin and Searle's melancholy.


Thompson: I think Simon and Peta are feeling a little upset right now. Isn't there something you'd like to say?

Hird: There sure is. Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, cheat. Heh heh heh -- right in the butt. That was great.


Roos, too, is dejected. He sits in his office to mull things over.


Roos: It's no use. I guess I'll have to leave the coaching job to an already failed coach. Experienced coaches have gotten quite a bad rap lately, you know, Jackson.

[A football crashes through the window]

Ooh, look! A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

Jackson: I think it's a football, sir.

Roos: We'll see what the lab has to say about that.


Another petrified bird joins the first. The two men go over to the window to look for the flock, but instead they see Goodwin smashing windows with reckless abandon. "Why, that rapscallion is breaking all my windows!" observes Roos. And that's not all --Goodwin wraps a loop of hose around some statues' heads, puts the nozzle in a car, and turns the water on, thereby popping the heads right off _and_ flooding the car.

To add insult to injury, Goodwin removes the "No Journalists" sign from Roos' gate; the results are immediate.


Roos: Heh heh, look, Jackson -- a creature of pure malevolence. He's the perfect one to suckle at my proverbial teat. [opens window] You there, boy! What day is this?

Boy: [cockney accent] Today? Sir, why, it's Christmas Day!

Roos: I was talking to him. You! What day is this?

Goodwin: Huh?

Roos: I'll tell you what day this is: today is the day you become my heir!

[Goodwin kicks a football which hits Jackson in the head]

Ooh, I like him a lot.
 


Melbourne supporter 1: We won! I feel so full of...what's the opposite of shame?

Melbourne supporter 2: Pride?

Melbourne supporter 1: No, not that far from shame.

Melbourne supporter 3: Less shame?

Melbourne supporter 1: Yeah.
 

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Hard for even the most staunch supporters of Bail, Matt Jones, McKenzie, Fitzpatrick or Terlich to suggest they will be on our list in 2016. That's a very easy cut of players there. Hunt, Spencer(not sure if contracted for 2016?), Pederson and Riley need to improve greatly as well to keep a spot. With pending retirements of Cross(could play another year) and Jamar as well, there is 11 players who I feel could or should be gone by the start of next season. Still a lot of spuds to get rid of.
 
Crusty Demon said:
Hard for even the most staunch supporters of Bail, Matt Jones, McKenzie, Fitzpatrick or Terlich to suggest they will be on our list in 2016. That's a very easy cut of players there. Hunt, Spencer(not sure if contracted for 2016?), Pederson and Riley need to improve greatly as well to keep a spot. With pending retirements of Cross(could play another year) and Jamar as well, there is 11 players who I feel could or should be gone by the start of next season. Still a lot of spuds to get rid of.
Click to expand...
Which Simpsons episode was this?
 
Crusty Demon said:
Hard for even the most staunch supporters of Bail, Matt Jones, McKenzie, Fitzpatrick or Terlich to suggest they will be on our list in 2016. That's a very easy cut of players there. Hunt, Spencer(not sure if contracted for 2016?), Pederson and Riley need to improve greatly as well to keep a spot. With pending retirements of Cross(could play another year) and Jamar as well, there is 11 players who I feel could or should be gone by the start of next season. Still a lot of spuds to get rid of.
Click to expand...

Hard to justify Jones being there next year.. unless you're the MFC who gave him a contract extension until the end of 2016 in January last year before he'd even played a practice match under Roos. Did they think he was going to end up the subject of a bidding war?

Worst contract extension since Schwab (either time).
 
Theseventhhamster said:
Spencer has 2 years too.
Click to expand...

With Jamar about to get lumped on the scrap heap, you can kind of justify keeping Spencil on. Matt Jones and Terlich on the other hand... I would love to have sat in on that list management discussion.

"What if, like... zombies?"
deep-thoughts.jpg

"Yes, okay, two more years."
 
Roos: I've decided to bring in a few ringers. Professional footballers. We'll give them token contracts at the club and have them play on our football team. Gordon Coventry, Jock McHale, Edward 'Carji' Greeves...
Goodwin: Sir?
Roos: What is it, Goodwin
Goodwin: I'm afraid all those players have retired...passed on. In fact your Centre has been dead for 57 years!
Roos: Damnation! Alright, find me some good players. LIVING players. Scour the professional and semi-professional ranks. The AFL, The WAFL, The NEAFL, The Women's League!

----------------------------------------

Roos: Gawn! I though I told you to trim those sideburns. GO HOME! You're off the team, FOR GOOD!
Gawn: Fine! (to himself) I still like him better than Neeld.

----------------------------------------

Roos: All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits. You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved Kent, Viney, Frost, Jetta and Petracca, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring things that someone else may have told you in the course of your lives and go out there and win.

*All cheer as M. Jones, Bail, Grimes, McKenzie and Spencer run on the field. Dean Terlich jumps up to join them*

Roos: Not so fast, Terlich. The man who plays your position is still here.

*Christian Salem smiles*

Roos: Hit the pine

[partial credit to Ashley Warner from AFL related Simpsons quotes from Facebook.]
 
Supermercado said:
I've got no time for a humorous post, just simply to say that Pedersen and Rodan can be put in the same burlap sack as Gillies and pushed out to sea.
Click to expand...

I would like to officially admit (about a year late) that I was wrong on Pedersen. Assuming neither of the other two would have changed my mind.
 
Supermercado said:
I would like to officially admit (about a year late) that I was wrong on Pedersen. Assuming neither of the other two would have changed my mind.
Click to expand...

Don't give up too early mate. He's still got time to prove you right.
 
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