Certified Legendary Thread The Cut

[Darksidepoints]

All jokes aside, Terlich and M Jones still have another season on the books, so we are paying them either way. Baring some unsightly miracle of form, they are both gone next year. Lets just hope there isnt a need to bring them in. Casey will do them just fine.

Guys like Trenners and Toumpas however.... they need to perform next year. Rough on Jack, but lets not beat around the bush - he was gone a year ago to the Tiges if it wasnt for his foot. And Jimmy... well, I dont think he will ever come on, but that horse is already beat. Grimes, Spencer.. the list goes on.

Overall, there are still another half dozen players that for one reason or another should be gone, but arent.

Clocks ticking.

 

[Bluelegs]

Thats the issue though! Who is/was he keeping out of the side?

Only midfielder who you could really argue for is Toumpas.

He'll appear less and less in future once Harmes, ANB, and Stretch cement their spots.

 

[Bluelegs]

Mods could we move this discusdion to another thread please

 

[Topkent]

He'll appear less and less in future once Harmes, ANB, and Stretch cement their spots.

Plus whether Michie and Newton can continue to step up like there last half a dozen games

 

[Canary]

All jokes aside

Wrong thread. The ratio of s**t posts to Simpsons jokes is becoming alarmingly high.

 

[Gysberts2Bate]

Trengove won a leadership award at this year's B&F, I don't think the club will force him out too readily.

 

[deeco]

Essendon: Dees, what if I were to tell you this Melksham keeps away tanking claims
Dees: Uh-huh, and how does it work?
Essendon: It doesn't work, it's just a stupid Melksham..
Dees: I see..
Essendon: But you don't see any tanking claims around do you?
Dees: Bombers, I'd like to buy your Melksham

 

[Gysberts2Bate]

Essendon: Dees, what if I were to tell you this Melksham keeps away tanking claims
Dees: Uh-huh, and how does it work?
Essendon: It doesn't work, it's just a stupid Melksham..
Dees: I see..
Essendon: But you don't see any tanking claims around do you?
Dees: Bombers, I'd like to buy your Melksham

Amazing.

 

[Cannon82]

Amazing.

No. Amazeballs.

 

[youngbear]

Finally back on topic...

 

[Topkent]

Essendon: Dees, what if I were to tell you this Melksham keeps away tanking claims
Dees: Uh-huh, and how does it work?
Essendon: It doesn't work, it's just a stupid Melksham..
Dees: I see..
Essendon: But you don't see any tanking claims around do you?
Dees: Bombers, I'd like to buy your Melksham

It's so much funnier when you have homers voice in your head

 

[Klyntonius]

Essendon - Melbourne we'll trade you this delicious* midfielder, Jake Melksham for your crumby old first round draft pick.

Melbourne - Done and done. Hehehe. D'oh!


*term delicious used under licence from Bruce McAvaney

 

[Gysberts2Bate]

The real story behind Jack Fitzpatrick's sacking:

*Meeting of the No Patricks Club*

Roosy: "Hey, Heritier, hey, Bernie, come on in. There's plenty of room. Sorry. Not you, Fitzpatrick."
Jack: "But you let in Patrick Dangerfield?"
Roosy: "It says "no Patricks". We're allowed to have one."

 

[LeverPuller]

From a pilot currently in front of producers:

Roos: Jesse.
Roos: JESSE.
Roos: JESSE!
Roos: JESSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Hogan: WHAT!
Roos: Dangerfield.

 

[Sellout Scully]

Jordie McKenzie trying to do whatever he can to get back into the club, approaches the club office pretending to be Cam Pederson who was just offered a new 1 year deal.

Jordie McKenzie: Hello. My name is Mr Pederson. I believe you have a contract for me.
Club Office (scrolling through contracts): Okay Mr Pederson, what's your first name?
Jordie McKenzie: (pauses)....I don't know.

 

[TheDarkDwarf]

ROOSEY and DAWES enter:

DAWES: Where are you taking me? Speak. I’m not going any farther.

ROOSEY: Listen to me.

DAWES: I don’t want to but I will.

ROOSEY: The hour has almost come when you have to return to the horrible flames of purgatory.

DAWES: Ah, poor me!

ROOSEY: Don’t pity yourself. Just listen carefully to what I have to tell you.

DAWES: Speak. I’m ready to hear you.

ROOSEY: You must be ready for revenge, when you hear me out.

DAWES: What?

ROOSEY: I’m the ghost of your previous coach, doomed for a certain period of time to walk the football fields at night, while during the day I’m trapped in the fires of purgatory until you have done penance for your past sins. If I weren’t forbidden to tell you the secrets of how to mark the ball, I could tell you stories that would slice through your soul, freeze your blood, make your eyes jump out of their sockets, and your hair stand on end like porcupine quills. But mortals like you aren’t allowed to hear this description of the trials and tribulations of our supporters Listen, listen! If you ever loved our negative and downtrodden supporters—


DAWES: Oh God!

ROOSEY: Take revenge for this horrible murder, the crime against all our supporters.

DAWES: Crime, what Crime?

ROOSEY: That most horrible murder. Murder’s always horrible, but this is especially horrible, weird, and unnatural.

DAWES: Hurry and tell me about it, so I can take revenge right away, faster than Proper Gander drinks a can of Coopers.

ROOSEY: I’m glad you’re eager. You’d have to be as lazy as a person who resides at the Lexus centre not to get riled up here. Now listen, Dawsie. Everyone was told that someone from Boral interposed themselves in your dreams whilst you were sleeping in the Lexus Centre. But in fact, that’s a lie that’s fooled us all here in the land of the Demons. You should know, my dropsy son, the real incubus that invaded your dreams and gave you concrete hands - was Eddie!

DAWES: I knew it! It was Eddie that created my concrete hands.

 

[Sellout Scully]

Jake Melksham putting on his pants in his room after resigning himself to the fact that he's going to have to stay at Essendon* for another 2 years. He sits in hope that the pants may draw the attention of former Essendon* assistants now at new clubs.

Jake Melsksham: Oooo I hate these Essendon Spud pants
(opens door, a flood of money comes through the door from Melbourne)
Jake Melksham: Hey, they're working. My wallets are soaked with money but my ability is still totally sh***. Everything's coming up Milksham!

 

[PhatHQ]

All jokes aside, Terlich and M Jones still have another season on the books, so we are paying them either way. Baring some unsightly miracle of form, they are both gone next year. Lets just hope there isnt a need to bring them in. Casey will do them just fine.

Guys like Trenners and Toumpas however.... they need to perform next year. Rough on Jack, but lets not beat around the bush - he was gone a year ago to the Tiges if it wasnt for his foot. And Jimmy... well, I dont think he will ever come on, but that horse is already beat. Grimes, Spencer.. the list goes on.

Overall, there are still another half dozen players that for one reason or another should be gone, but arent.

Clocks ticking.

Watts?

 

[Canary]

All this talk of reject players from other clubs made me think of - oddly enough - Assassins, which naturally led to this.

To the tune of 'Everybody's Got the Right' from Assassins by Stephen Sondheim



FADE IN

[The Melbourne Football Club theme song - ‘A Grand Old Flag’ – is playing over the loudspeaker in a dilapidated carnival. Attractions such as the ‘Ron Barassi Premiership Parade,’ ‘Neeld’s House of Horrors’ and ‘Dean Bailey’s Wax Museum’ have all seen better days.

The music changes to a sinister vamp.

PAUL ROOS appears with the smile of a salesman and an armful of footballs.]

BEN NEWTON walks in determinedly.]

ROOS: Hey, pal – what ya say?
Don’t know where to play?
Hey, pal -
Come this way-
Yeah, c’mere and play for Melbourne.

No games, playing for Port?
Not your, kind of sport?
You’re our kind of sort-
You wanna play for Melbourne?
C’mon and play for Melbourne!

Some guys
Think they can be winners
Premierships often go to rank beginners

[NEWTON takes a football and starts kicking around his body from obscene angles

JEFF GARLETT enters wearing a suit, looking confused. He has clearly come straight from court. Roos approaches with a football]

ROOS: Hey, kid, under arrest?
Carlton unimpressed?
Show them you’re not a pest-
If you play for Melbourne.

You can get the prize
With a bunch of good guys
(Watts - he only cries
When he’s playing the ‘Pies)

Everybody’s
Got the right
To play football
Don’t be mad
We’re not as bad
As it seems

If you keep the
Goals in sight,

We can give a
Decent fight
Everybody’s
Got the right
To play ball

[VIV MICHIE walks in]

ROOS: Hey fella,
Feel like you’re a failure?
Dockers wanna sale, your
Price is down for good.
Hey, fella, feel misunderstood?
C’mere and play for Melbourne.

[MICHIE accepts a football as HERITIER LUMUMBA walks in from the other side of the stage]

ROOS: What’s da wrong boy?
Bucks da treat you crummy?
Someone call you mummy?
We won’t da call you a f**
Here, give
Some Grand da Old da Flag.

[LUMUMBA takes a football and starts galloping away]

ROOS: Everybody’s
Got the right
To play football
Even though
We never make
The GF
Aim for what you
Want a lot-
Everybody
Gets a shot
Everybody’s
Got the right
To play ball-

[BERNIE VINCE walks in]

ROOS: Yo, Bernie!
Looking for a thrill?
The Hawthorn Hawks are that way.
No, Bernie,
We don’t require skill-
You sure you wanna give us a try?

[VINCE tries to take a football but is clutching a pint. For some reason he then takes off his pants and starts parading around.

JAKE MELKSHAM walks in and starts headbutting the other players. ROOS looks uncomfortable]

ROOS: Jeez, Jakey
Don’t be such a dick,
Goodwin’s over that way.
Jeez, Jakey
Don’t forget you know how to kick.

[The music suddenly lowers to a whisper as JESSE HOGAN walks in. ROOS is reverent]

ROOS: Hey gang,
Look who’s here.
There’s our
Reason to cheer
Hey, Hoges
Loud and clear!

HOGAN: Everybody’s
Got the right
To play football

[The team starts kick to kick]

That’s the stuff
It’s not as tough
As it seems

Don’t be scared
We won’t prevail
Melbourne has been
Known to fail
We're never gonna lift the veil
With our team

[THE ENTIRE TEAM and ADMINISTRATION walk in, as well as members of the BigFooty board]

The Demons!

CYNICAL FAN: Means our dreams won’t come true

[PETER JACKSON looks resignedly at the fan]

JACKSON: Be a member?

CYNICAL FAN: Play in September.

ROOS, HOGAN: The Demons!

JOSH MAHONEY: Means no-one listens to you

HOGAN: Scream and holler!

VINEY: Grab ‘em by the collar

ROOS: The Demons!

HOWE: Means you don’t have to sit

ROOS: That’s it!

HOWE: And put up with the s**t

[HOWE leaves immediately. ROOS is despondant]

ALL: Everybody’s
Got the right
To play football

HOGAN: Everybody!

ALL: Not the cup
But maybe
Finals one day?
Maybe one day?

Fringe men, poor men
Just alright
Pick your player

HOGAN: They’re all shite

ROOS: Hawthorn’s
Holding very tight
To the cup

ALL: Everybody’s
Got the right
To play ball.

 

[Proper Gander]

All this talk of reject players from other clubs made me think of - oddly enough - Assassins, which naturally led to this.

To the tune of 'Everybody's Got the Right' from Assassins by Stephen Sondheim



FADE IN

[The Melbourne Football Club theme song - ‘A Grand Old Flag’ – is playing over the loudspeaker in a dilapidated carnival. Attractions such as the ‘Ron Barassi Premiership Parade,’ ‘Neeld’s House of Horrors’ and ‘Dean Bailey’s Wax Museum’ have all seen better days.

The music changes to a sinister vamp.

PAUL ROOS appears with the smile of a salesman and an armful of footballs.]

BEN NEWTON walks in determinedly.]

ROOS: Hey, pal – what ya say?
Don’t know where to play?
Hey, pal -
Come this way-
Yeah, c’mere and play for Melbourne.

No games, playing for Port?
Not your, kind of sport?
You’re our kind of sort-
You wanna play for Melbourne?
C’mon and play for Melbourne!

Some guys
Think they can be winners
Premierships often go to rank beginners

[NEWTON takes a football and starts kicking around his body from obscene angles

JEFF GARLETT enters wearing a suit, looking confused. He has clearly come straight from court. Roos approaches with a football]

ROOS: Hey, kid, under arrest?
Carlton unimpressed?
Show them you’re not a pest-
If you play for Melbourne.

You can get the prize
With a bunch of good guys
(Watts - he only cries
When he’s playing the ‘Pies)

Everybody’s
Got the right
To play football
Don’t be mad
We’re not as bad
As it seems

If you keep the
Goals in sight,

We can give a
Decent fight
Everybody’s
Got the right
To play ball

[VIV MICHIE walks in]

ROOS: Hey fella,
Feel like you’re a failure?
Dockers wanna sale, your
Price is down for good.
Hey, fella, feel misunderstood?
C’mere and play for Melbourne.

[MICHIE accepts a football as HERITIER LUMUMBA walks in from the other side of the stage]

ROOS: What’s da wrong boy?
Bucks da treat you crummy?
Someone call you mummy?
We won’t da call you a f**
Here, give
Some Grand da Old da Flag.

[LUMUMBA takes a football and starts galloping away]

ROOS: Everybody’s
Got the right
To play football
Even though
We never make
The GF
Aim for what you
Want a lot-
Everybody
Gets a shot
Everybody’s
Got the right
To play ball-

[BERNIE VINCE walks in]

ROOS: Yo, Bernie!
Looking for a thrill?
The Hawthorn Hawks are that way.
No, Bernie,
We don’t require skill-
You sure you wanna give us a try?

[VINCE tries to take a football but is clutching a pint. For some reason he then takes off his pants and starts parading around.

JAKE MELKSHAM walks in and starts headbutting the other players. ROOS looks uncomfortable]

ROOS: Jeez, Jakey
Don’t be such a dick,
Goodwin’s over that way.
Jeez, Jakey
Don’t forget you know how to kick.

[The music suddenly lowers to a whisper as JESSE HOGAN walks in. ROOS is reverent]

ROOS: Hey gang,
Look who’s here.
There’s our
Reason to cheer
Hey, Hoges
Loud and clear!

HOGAN: Everybody’s
Got the right
To play football

[The team starts kick to kick]

That’s the stuff
It’s not as tough
As it seems

Don’t be scared
We won’t prevail
Melbourne has been
Known to fail
We're never gonna lift the veil
With our team

[THE ENTIRE TEAM and ADMINISTRATION walk in, as well as members of the BigFooty board]

The Demons!

CYNICAL FAN: Means our dreams won’t come true

[ROOS looks resignedly at the fan]

HOGAN: Be a member

PETER JACKSON: Give us a dollar

ROOS, HOGAN: The Demons!

JOSH MAHONEY: Means no-one listens to you

HOGAN: Scream and holler!

VINEY: Grab ‘em by the collar

ROOS: The Demons!

HOWE: Means you don’t have to sit

ROOS: That’s it!

HOWE: And put up with the s**t

[HOWE leaves immediately. ROOS is despondant]

ALL: Everybody’s
Got the right
To play football

HOGAN: Everybody!

ALL: Not the cup
But maybe
Finals one day?
Maybe one day?

Fringe men, poor men
Just alright
Pick your player

HOGAN: They’re all shite

ROOS: Hawthorn’s
Holding very tight
To the cup

ALL: Everybody’s
Got the right
To play ball.

I seek permission to send this directly to a producer.

 

[Canary]

I seek permission to send this directly to a producer.

I want 10% and the animation rights

 

[Proper Gander]

I want 10% and the animation rights

Done. It is the song that someone had to write. And the fact that you did it at 3:32AM confirms it as genius.

 

[Canary]

Done. It is the song that someone had to write. And the fact that you did it at 3:32AM confirms it as genius.

Is it cheating if I'm from Perth and I was doing while watching the rugby?

 

[The Professor]

When Port, Collingwood and Adelaide see you'll do anything they say,
They'll bound to respect you.

 

[Gysberts2Bate]

Is it cheating if I'm from Perth and I was doing while watching the rugby?

How did you take your eyes off that game?! I spent the entire 80 minutes on edge and in horror.