The drunk tank

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Best Bond song that was never a Bond song:

 

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Bit of an overdue update here.

I had a friend's engagement party a couple weekends ago. It's fair to say there was a rude amount of booze available and it's fair to say I took full advantage.

Which leaves me to describe the drive home- the other half kept herself to two drinks so she drove. Apparently I was crapping on about my 2013 trip to the US, and tried to convince her that I'd spoken to the FBI and to the US Department of Homeland Security when I was either at LAX or, even more ridiculously, in the air. What reason I would have had for needing to do this, remains unclear to this day and in any case, the other half couldn't make any sense of what I was saying. I doubt the world's best interpreter or decipherer could have, to be honest.

Later, as we neared home and passed through the Napier/Fletcher/Mount Alexander Road roundabout in Essendon just south of Windy Hill, I kept insisting we were in Phoenix. As in Phoenix, Arizona.

The only possible subliminal explanation for it all was that I'd watched a bunch of Criminal Minds episodes in the preceding days.

The base point of the story, though- I talk lots of harmless s**t when I'm drunk.
 
Doss said:
Bit of an overdue update here.

I had a friend's engagement party a couple weekends ago. It's fair to say there was a rude amount of booze available and it's fair to say I took full advantage.

Which leaves me to describe the drive home- the other half kept herself to two drinks so she drove. Apparently I was crapping on about my 2013 trip to the US, and tried to convince her that I'd spoken to the FBI and to the US Department of Homeland Security when I was either at LAX or, even more ridiculously, in the air. What reason I would have had for needing to do this, remains unclear to this day and in any case, the other half couldn't make any sense of what I was saying. I doubt the world's best interpreter or decipherer could have, to be honest.

Later, as we neared home and passed through the Napier/Fletcher/Mount Alexander Road roundabout in Essendon just south of Windy Hill, I kept insisting we were in Phoenix. As in Phoenix, Arizona.

The only possible subliminal explanation for it all was that I'd watched a bunch of Criminal Minds episodes in the preceding days.

The base point of the story, though- I talk lots of harmless s**t when I'm drunk.
Click to expand...

This sounds like our entire Essendon mods thread. :D
 
Jab said:
This sounds like our entire Essendon mods thread. :D
Click to expand...
What, me talking utter drivel and everyone else just chuckling and feeling embarrassed for me?

Yeah...s'pose so!
 
I BURNED MY SHOULDERS I WAS WEARING A SHIRT SO UNFAIR

And you told me off for jeans. Well, my legs are having the last laugh now, aren't they.

I'm passing off the temple burns with a thin unburned-sunglass-temple-protected bit as tribal markings.

No racisto.
 
Lord Nicholson said:
I BURNED MY SHOULDERS I WAS WEARING A SHIRT SO UNFAIR

And you told me off for jeans. Well, my legs are having the last laugh now, aren't they.

I'm passing off the temple burns with a thin unburned-sunglass-temple-protected bit as tribal markings.

No racisto.
Click to expand...
I have about 2cms of burn on my right wrist. It is a solid line next to where my wrist band was. Other than that, I didn't burn at all. :thumbsu:
 

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While I'm here I might as well post two of my worst drunken misadventures:

I forgot my house keys when I went out one night when I was 18. I came home nicely imbibed in the wee hours and didn't realise I was lacking keys until the moment I arrived home.

Being not completely with it, I figured incurring the wrath of my mother if I rang the doorbell and woke her up would be exponentially worse than the potential problems with shoulder charging the door.

So I charged. First time, it didn't budge.

Second time, I charged a bit harder. Still didn't budge.

Third time, I gave it all my drunken little head had. I caught the door knob with the point of my shoulder but the door burst open with a crash- and then promptly fell off its hinges.

So in summary, I completely unsurprisingly woke my mother up with the racket I made regardless. I had a nasty gash on my shoulder that required many bandages. And I broke our front door.

Fair to say that was not my finest hour.
 
And also when I was 18, this time still in Year 12 too...

I may or may not have been slightly (very) intoxicated, I went out one Friday night, and it ended up being a large night. I intended on catching an Epping train from Parliament in the early hours of the morning (about 5am). I was living in Coburg at the time and could catch the Epping and walk home from Croxton or Thornbury stations in about twenty minutes.

Sadly, though, my drunken double vision mistook 'Eltham' for Epping on the train destination board, and next thing I know (would've been a good 45-50 minutes later), I'm being shaken awake by someone at Eltham as the train terminated there.

I saw a train in the other platform and hopped on that, assuming that was the city bound one. Before I realised my folly, I fell asleep again. Next thing I know, I woke up at Hurstbridge instead. Oh dear.

I then settled in for the trip back towards Clifton Hill where I could change over to the Epping line, and that time, managed to actually wake up in time. I then caught the next Epping but, despite Croxton being only four stops from Clifton Hill, I didn't manage to stay awake and thus missed my stop once again. I woke up between Lalor and Epping. So, figuring I may as well just stay on this train for its return journey, that's what I did.

This time I didn't fall asleep again, but unfortunately my excessive alcohol consumption caught up with me in another fashion and I was forced to alight the train in a terrible state at Regent station. Thankfully I was able to hold back the vomit just long enough to save the train from a very messy situation.

Then after that, I finally got myself together and back to Thornbury station on the next train and then home. I think I walked in the door at about 9:30 or 10am.

And then went straight to bed.


Hmm, 18 and alcohol mixed well for me.
 
I have a drunken story I'll compile this evening if I am free.

Short story, I woke up inside a cardboard box in Geelong.....................I started the night in Chapel St.
 
This is most of my nights out.




... Not really, I tend to remember everything when I drink... Unfortunately sometimes.
 
Never truer words spoken Doss though 19 isn't any smarter

My daughter at 19 has the war wounds to prove it
 
Doss said:
While I'm here I might as well post two of my worst drunken misadventures:

I forgot my house keys when I went out one night when I was 18. I came home nicely imbibed in the wee hours and didn't realise I was lacking keys until the moment I arrived home.

Being not completely with it, I figured incurring the wrath of my mother if I rang the doorbell and woke her up would be exponentially worse than the potential problems with shoulder charging the door.

So I charged. First time, it didn't budge.

Second time, I charged a bit harder. Still didn't budge.

Third time, I gave it all my drunken little head had. I caught the door knob with the point of my shoulder but the door burst open with a crash- and then promptly fell off its hinges.

So in summary, I completely unsurprisingly woke my mother up with the racket I made regardless. I had a nasty gash on my shoulder that required many bandages. And I broke our front door.

Fair to say that was not my finest hour.
Click to expand...

 
Doss said:
While I'm here I might as well post two of my worst drunken misadventures:

I forgot my house keys when I went out one night when I was 18. I came home nicely imbibed in the wee hours and didn't realise I was lacking keys until the moment I arrived home.

Being not completely with it, I figured incurring the wrath of my mother if I rang the doorbell and woke her up would be exponentially worse than the potential problems with shoulder charging the door.

So I charged. First time, it didn't budge.

Second time, I charged a bit harder. Still didn't budge.

Third time, I gave it all my drunken little head had. I caught the door knob with the point of my shoulder but the door burst open with a crash- and then promptly fell off its hinges.

So in summary, I completely unsurprisingly woke my mother up with the racket I made regardless. I had a nasty gash on my shoulder that required many bandages. And I broke our front door.

Fair to say that was not my finest hour.
Click to expand...
Gotta love the quiet entrance.

I was visiting my hometown many moons ago and went for a night out on the turps with my mates. Got home and couldnt get the key in the keyhole.

"No worries" says I, "I always keep my swag in the car.That'll do me tonight."

So I proceed to try unlock the boot of my car when in unison some dickheads house alarm goes off. Only issue is that the "some dickhead" was myself and the house alarm was actually the car alarm of my sisters car which I was trying to break into with my house keys to get my swag out of when it was actually in my car.

The old man charged outside, let the neighbourhood know what he thought of my antics before telling me to "get your ass inside right now before i kick it in there for you".

I am possibly one of very few (then) 26 year old blokes who's father has threatened to kick his ass but at least I had a nice, warm, comfy sleep (with a not so comfy head the next day)
 
Alright,

This happened over 10 years ago, so some of the story is a little hazy but hopefully I remember the gist of it.

Was catching up with some mates one Saturday for some arvo beer garden drinks at Windsor Castle. About 3 hours into the session another mate calls and says he's heading to Torquay Pub as he has some birds he wants to "catch up" with. Says I should come along and if things don't go to plan we'll crash at his folks holiday caravan in Ocean Grove.

I'm already a little tipsy so I think it's a great idea to travel 2 hours from home with no worries in sight. We arrive at the pub around 8ish or 9ish from memory, mate catches the girls and we continue to drink and have a great time. Time goes on and soon it's closing time, not yet satisfied with the evening and wanting to kick on me and mate decide to leave the girls and catch a cab into Geelong to hit up some nightclubs.

Arrive in geelong and head into some shithole of a joint, can't remember it's name but it started with a T, up a long staircase. Continue to drink and be merry and by now I am fairly plastered on booze various substances.

*Mate filled in these blanks for me, so told in third person*

Says we were at the bar and I got into a conversation with some black basketballer from the States about racism in Australia twas the era of Pauline Hanson after all) He left me too it, I was there an hour later still babbling on about the same s**t as when he left me.

Soon enough it's time for this joint to close, around 3-4ish am. We head down the staircase and are standing out the front when all of a sudden we see this girl take a tumble down the stairs, mate being the kind and considerate bloke he is breaks out into laughter and points at her pissing himself. girl gets up walks over and starts berating him for being a jerk, he calms her down and next thing you know she's invited us back to her house where she has more friends still partying.

We rock up, house in complete darkness open the door and nobody is there. I get freaked out thinking shes wanting extra fun so I say thanks and bail. Mate goes inside with her. So i'm walking the streets in the middle of * knows where, when I come across a discarded fridge box. This is where I think to myself "I'll just plant myself in here and go get mate in the morning" So I open it up, crawl inside and snuggle in my hoodie and go to sleep.

Get woken up around 8am by some bloke thinking he's found a discarded body in his discarded fridge box, I crawl out to a look of shock on his face give him the "mornin champ" and walk off into the direction of the house I think I left my mate at.

I get completely lost, and have no credit on my phone so just keep wandering until I found anything that resembles where I could be. Soon enough i stumble across Kardinia Park and piss myself laughing as I had forgotten I was in geelong.

Kept walking the main road until I hailed a cab, ask him to drive me to ocean grove and hopefully mate hasn't left yet. Get to his caravan, locked but car still parked. So I jump on his car and nap until he rocks up.

Few hours later he walks down the path pissing himself, more out of "thank *, you're here" than anything else.

We try and piece the night together, go for a swim at the beach to sober up and make our way back to Melbs.

Side story: Mate says he got inside, girl went to bed told him to sleep on couch. Pretty funny payback by her I say.
 
I can't believe I'm not hungover. I definitely should be.
 
I have a bender planned for this arvo/evening, and like the dickhead I am have agreed to play golf at 8am tomorrow.

Tomorrow already hurts and I haven't even cracked my first beer yet.
 
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